


I'd fall anywhere with you (I'm by your side)

by pocketpastel



Series: the only one to find my smile (was you) [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkwardness, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, SeokSoo, Slow Build, Slow Burn, but mingyu is the entire circus, clowns to lovers, hmmm seokmin's in love, seokmin is a clown, someone has the brain cell and it's definitely not joshua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 72,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23012407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketpastel/pseuds/pocketpastel
Summary: “What are you guys talking about?” Hansol cuts in and Joshua tries his best to subtly walk slower so that he could be close enough to clearly listen in on the conversation. So what if he’s trying to scoop out gossip? Being best friends with Jeonghan for years can really do a number on a guy.But all he manages to hear is “Hansol, we’ve gone over this!” and an “Ohhhh…Yes. This thing” in response.Chan is probably shaking his head now. “Yeah, how long has it been? Almost a year? How has no one told Joshua-hyung yet?”
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Seokmin | DK, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: the only one to find my smile (was you) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696870
Comments: 242
Kudos: 401





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> for seoksoo, because they are so so cute and so it's what they deserve.
> 
> title from he is we's I wouldn't mind

Joshua darts agilely through the maze of the laser tag arena, almost tripping over someone crouching down in the process (he thinks it’s Hansol) and swiftly aims his gun at the nearest target from the opposing team- the blue team. He almost hits Junhui, a member of his team- the red team- and unfortunately, his aim doesn’t take out the intended target either. Jeonghan is too swift, too quick to dive out of the way instantaneously when he spots his best friend appear in front of him, laser gun ready in hand.

The obnoxious chortle from Jeonghan’s mouth echoes through the arena as Joshua blinks and is nearly caught off-guard by Minghao’s leaping down from the floor above. The Chinese man lands on both feet perfectly and shoots at Joshua, a nonchalant, almost bored expression decorating his features. Joshua immediately jumps into a crouching position and the infrared beam flies over his head.

“Fuck!“ Minghao curses loudly and Joshua watches as he redirects his attention towards a new target. Soonyoung trips over his own feet and is struck by Minghao’s hit on the hexagonal target on the front of his vest. The familiar _pew pew_ sound effect that signals the elimination of a team member rings from Joshua’s own rental vest, which reeks of some awful combination of his own sweat and the sweat from players who had used the vest earlier in the day. _Ew._

During the frenzy that was Soonyoung’s elimination from the game and Minghao’s subsequent sprint up the stairs before another red team member could take him out, Joshua manages to duck behind one of the larger walls by the corner. Hiding might be the defensive method he should stick to for now. At least until the end of the ongoing round. 

He inhales softly, preparing a sigh of relief but his exhale is abruptly cut off by the sudden motion of a hand wrapping around his elbow, pulling him down to the ground.

“Hey, what the-“ 

Joshua whips his head around and locks eyes with the perpetrator. Seokmin smiles sheepishly back at him, fingers still curled around Joshua’s arm. A red crest decorates both sides of his vest and Joshua lets out the breath he was holding.

“This was my hiding spot but I guess we can share,” Seokmin laughs, his usual sunny disposition bouncing off of the tight space between them. Joshua turns around so that he is facing out of the corner and away from the younger man.

“Uh, thanks Seokmin.”

This is the closest he’s been to Seokmin in the last few weeks. The other man had suddenly started behaving strangely distant towards Joshua and Joshua only. It was a bizarre shift from the affection Joshua had gotten all too used to being showered with and he had hoped to figure out the reason for this today, when all thirteen members of the friend group met up to play laser tag together.

“So, I haven’t seen you in a while...” Joshua starts, and Seokmin pouts in return, as if he wasn’t directly responsible for that fact.

“I know right? It certainly has been a hot minute,” he says and honestly _who talks like that?_ _A hot minute?_ Joshua huffs and he opens his mouth to retaliate, to scold his dongsaeng for playing dumb, but he is interrupted again.

“I’ve missed Shua-hyung!” 

_What the fuck?_ Joshua turns back around and stares incredulously at the younger, who is still pouting and looking like he really did miss Joshua. “What are you talking about? In the last three weeks, I’m the one whose texts have been getting left unopened!”

“In my defense, I really-”

“And I’ve been getting suspicious of the way _somebody_ would somehow always get ‘sick’ before every group gathering we planned. And yet if I told the group chat I couldn’t make it to an event, that same _somebody_ would _immediately_ feel completely better!”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry hyung!” Seokmin cries out and throws his arms around Joshua, his vest banging clumsily against Joshua’s own and he’s _sweaty_ and _gross_ but so is Joshua who is so _confused_ and _this round is taking forever to end and-_

“I just don’t understand why you-“

“I-I can’t tell you why,” Seokmin mumbles so quickly that Joshua almost doesn’t catch what he says. Seokmin pulls away from him. “I’m really really _really_ sorry but I can’t, uh- I’m not ready to talk about it yet, hyung.”

In the distance, Seungkwan screeches with faux agony and two audible _pew pews_ ping out- one from Joshua’s vest and the other from Seokmin’s vest.

Seokmin sighs and Joshua continues to stare at him with disbelief. “Well uh, okay? I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything I did. Wait- _was_ it anything I did?”

“Nononono _no way_. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re perfect,” Seokmin hums and Joshua doesn’t notice the way his voice falters on the last two words. Seokmin sounds so genuine that it honestly makes Joshua too exhausted to pry further. He just wants things to go back to the way they were before. He misses all the times when Seokmin would drag him outside at two in the morning, and they would do absolutely nothing but they would be doing absolutely nothing _together_. Seokmin would send him the stupidest memes, insisting that only Joshua would understand humour of _this_ _high quality_ (surprisingly, Seungkwan would not).

Seokmin would cling onto him and gaze at him with the fondest, most starry eyes and Joshua doesn’t understand why he does that, but for reasons unknown to even himself, he’s okay with it.

And Seokmin is clinging onto him the same way right now. Except he looks so sad and apologetic and maybe Joshua should just give up on a battle he knows he’s going to lose.

“I forgive you-“

“Oh thank you thank you thank you hyung! I promise I won’t do it again,” Seokmin sniffles and hugs Joshua again. The elder relaxes in his embrace and sighs, still a little apprehensive.

“But- will you ever tell me why you’ve been ignoring me though? Like, eventually?” he asks. Seokmin leans back, his nose barely grazing Joshua's and his hand gently slides onto Joshua’s knee. 

Another yell from their friends echoes in the distance. Joshua’s breath hitches as he looks at Seokmin and the wobbly smile on his face. The younger seems to be considering his words carefully before opening his mouth again.

“Well, I-“

_“There_ you guys are!”

Wonwoo’s groggy voice cuts in from out of nowhere. Joshua and Seokmin look up and Wonwoo immediately shoots both of them on the front of their vests.

  
  
  
  


“Betrayed! By! The one l loved the most!” Seungkwan complains for ten minutes straight, upset by the outcome of the final round. Everyone just grumbles in response and Joshua blames Hansol, the one who took Seungkwan out of the last game. Beside Seungkwan, Mingyu starts to whine about being hungry and Jihoon looks like he wants to start a fight, but he can’t help but agree with the taller man. Seungcheol suggests they spend their evening at the summer night market so they could eat and shop with a cheap cost. None of them argue with that and Jeonghan immediately pesters his boyfriend to look up the directions. 

As the couple argue about the reliability of Seungcheol’s outdated geography application (“Cheollie, I bet you fifty cents that I can find Yugoslavia on this map!”), Joshua finds himself walking a few metres ahead of Chan and Seungkwan. Despite the physical distance, his two younger friends are whispering loudly enough that Joshua can’t help but overhear their conversation.

“-And he wants to confess? I told him not to do it, especially so soon after, well, _you know_ -” 

“Yeah, I know, _I know,_ ”Joshua can almost hear Chan rolling his eyes. What could they be talking about? Who wants to confess about what?

“What are you guys talking about?” Hansol cuts in and Joshua tries his best to subtly walk slower so that he could be close enough to listen clearly in on the conversation. So what if he’s trying to scoop out gossip? Being best friends with Jeonghan for years can really do a number on a guy.

But all he manages to hear is “Hansol, we’ve gone over _this_ !” and an “ _Ohhhh_ …Yes. This thing,” in response.

Chan is probably shaking his head now. “Yeah, how long has it been? Almost a year? How has no one told Joshua-hyung yet?”

“What?” Joshua breaks his stride and whips his head around so fast he almost tumbles onto the sidewalk. The trio halt and Seungkwan clamps a hand over Chan’s mouth. “What has no one told me?”

“Hyung, it’s nothing!” Hansol laughs nervously and takes a cautious step towards Joshua, spinning him around and pushing him forward again. “Don’t worry about it, seriously.”

“If you guys were talking about me, and something I should have found out by now then I absolutely have the right to know.”

“Well, you see-”

“Can you guys _please_ just keep walking?” Jihoon snaps from behind the four of them. Seungkwan lets out a visible sigh of relief and quickly pushes past Joshua, pulling Hansol and Chan along with him. Joshua reluctantly drops the topic for now. But he doesn’t miss the way Jihoon picks up his own stride, like he also knows something Joshua doesn’t.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh the elusive background summaries sprinkled in

_“So is this it?”_

_He sounds more disappointed than Joshua thought he would be. “You- you want this too, don’t you? You know why we can’t work.”_

_“I-I think it’s the best thing for us, but that doesn’t mean I want to break up, Josh,” he answers, rubbing the back of his neck with a sigh. “But if this is what you want…”_

_He trails off, not bothering to hide the hope in his expression. Hope that Joshua will say that_ no, it’s not what he wants _. And there’s a part of Joshua that wants to say that but it’s not the truth._

_“I’m sorry…” Joshua says, his voice unsteady. “And I understand if you don’t want to be friends with me right now.”_

_Another sigh. “Yeah, I’m not ready for that. Straight-up. I can’t- I’ll be in denial that it’s over if I’m seeing you and talking to you. At least in a one-on-one setting. But-”_

_He pauses and swallows harshly. “I want to be friends again. Eventually.”_

_“Okay.” Joshua whispers softly. “I’m sorry-”_

_“It’s fine, Josh.”_

  
  
  
  


It’s only when they arrive at the market that Joshua realizes it has been exactly one month since that day. Things are better, or at least he hopes they are. _It would be nice to talk to him_ , he thinks but he tries his best not to dwell on it. The constant chatter from the rest of his friends quickly dispels his thoughts. 

“You’re disgusting,” Wonwoo mutters hushedly as he looks at Mingyu with disgust because Mingyu is doing something disgusting. Something disgusting like not wiping all the sauce off of his mouth from the five skewers he ate earlier. Joshua sighs and hands Mingyu a wet wipe.

He isn’t quite sure about the nature of Wonwoo and Mingyu’s relationship. Maybe some _really, really_ _good friends_ really do spend that much time together but he’s not sure this is the case for the two of them. Sometimes Wonwoo will say things like “That’s gross, Mingyu” with the stupidest, most adoring grin on his face.

“That’s gross, Mingyu.” Wonwoo says as he smiles dumbly and predictably.

_Classic._

“Hey, so-” Joshua pauses as Mingyu takes the wet wipe and thanks him with a mouth full of chicken. “-Do you two know anything about something I should know?”

“Something you should know?” Wonwoo echoes. Mingyu shakes his head, perplexed.

“Yeah. I overheard the maknaes talking earlier about how they can’t believe ‘no one has told Joshua-hyung something yet’.” Joshua makes air quotes with his fingers for the appropriate parts of the statement. “Something about confessing, too.”

Wonwoo quickly looks down at what’s remaining in his bowl of ramen but Mingyu’s eyes widen in recognition. “Ohhhh, _well_ yes I’ve heard about this!” 

Mingyu has suddenly become Joshua’s favourite person. “They must have been talking about, uh, your surprise birthday party coming up!”

_Great._ Mingyu’s reign as Joshua’s favourite person is now over. “Gyu, my birthday’s in December.”

“And what about it?”

“It’s literally July. We should be planning a party for Wonwoo, not me!”

“Well, obviously not right now, hyung!” Mingyu bends down to whisper loudly into his ear. “Wonu is right here! But get in touch with me later, alright?”

_Yeah, okay. Maybe Soonyoung knows what’s going on._

  
  
  
  


_His eyes are shut tight as he awaits the answer to the question he’s been working up the nerve to ask for months. For what seems like an eternity, he’s met with only the cold, stale sound of silence. Finally, the other man speaks._

_“Wait, you like me too?”_

_“Well, yeah. That’s what I said?” Joshua fails to hide the rush to his heart at the words “like me too”, his face burning with not embarrassment but rather delight._

_“I don’t know, Josh. I could never tell with you. Like, when we were all together you’ve never been very showy?”_

_“But when-”_

_“But when it’s just us, I always thought there was vibing?” the other man pauses and Joshua can tell he still wants reassurance. “If that’s the case, I’m uh, really down for this, well...development. Of being more than friends.”_

_Joshua smiles back at him. “Yeah, I’m uh, vibing with this. Wow, don’t we sound like Hansol here?”_

_“Well, let’s not. I’m into Joshua, not Hansol.” Joshua’s new more-than-a-friend winks at him like he’s not nervous about this change at all._

  
  
  
  


It doesn’t take long for Joshua to find who he’s looking for. Pushing the events from six months prior out of his head, he makes his way towards Soonyoung, Seokmin, and Seungkwan. The three of them are visibly clowning around at the taiyaki booth near a corner of the market. Seokmin is waving around two of the fish-shaped cakes and Seungkwan is already doubled over with laughter.

“Hello Jihoonie! I love you!” Seokmin holds up the larger fish, his voice climbing a few octaves in an exaggerated fashion. He’s too absorbed in his pantomime to notice Joshua approaching them.

“Oh, Soonyoungie! Kiss me!” Joshua stifles a laugh as Seokmin gestures to the smaller fish and tilts it towards the bigger one so that their lips touch. He starts making kissing noises and Seungkwan is practically on the floor while Soonyoung looks rather unbothered.

“Hey, at least _I_ embrace my feelings for Jihoon. You talk a big talk about being brave and shit but we all know you aren’t even gonna-”

“Joshua-hyung!” Seungkwan screeches more loudly than usual and it’s almost as if he’s panicking. “Hello! You. Are here!”

Soonyoung looks equally panicked when he spots Joshua, while Seokmin somehow seems even more jumpy than the other two. _So they must all know what’s going on_.

“Soonyoung, what’s everyone hiding from me?” Joshua asks the oldest of the three, not bothering to hide the slight threat in his tone. Soonyoung has always been one of the worst at hiding things out of all of them.

The dancer exchanges a pitiful look with Seungkwan and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Joshua or Seokmin. Seungkwan clears his throat awkwardly. “So uh- speaking of Jihoon! Hyung, I think I see him over there. Why don’t you go bother him-”

“Bye hyung!” Soonyoung doesn’t look at Joshua as he plucks the two taiyaki out of Seokmin’s hands and speedwalks away from them, eyes only on Jihoon who looks bored out of his mind watching Seungcheol trying to eat a large piece of squid in one bite.

Joshua turns back to the other two and Seokmin’s face has turned nearly white while Seungkwan just rolls his eyes, exasperated. “Seokmin, can you take care of this?”

“But I-” Seokmin opens his mouth to protest.

“Great, bye!” Before anyone else can say a word, Seungkwan walks away too, leaving Joshua alone with Seokmin.

_“So.”_ Joshua crosses his arms in front of his chest, trying to look bothered.

_“So.”_ Seokmin looks anywhere but at him. “What did you want to ask us?”

“I know everyone’s been keeping this huge secret from me! And I wasn’t supposed to find out.” 

Seokmin gulps and Joshua continues to stare at him intensely. “Why is this such a big deal- _wait.”_

And then it clicks. He gasps. “Does this have to do with why you were avoiding me?”

“...Maybe?” is all the younger can squeak out.

“So that’s a yes, then.”

“I told you hyung, I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“But when will you be ready? You were gonna say something earlier, during laser tag and then Wonwoo took us out. I don’t underst-hey!”

Out of nowhere, a figure crashes into Joshua, knocking him over. “Shua-hyung!” Seokmin immediately jumps down to help him up. 

“Are you okay?” he asks frantically at the same time the perpetuator exclaims, “Shit! I’m so sorry!”

“I’m good.” He doesn’t bruise easily, anyway. “And it’s okay- _oh_.”

_“Oh,_ uh hey, Joshua.”

And he shouldn’t be shocked yet here he is. He really didn’t mean to avoid him the whole day; it just became quite easy with eleven of their other friends surrounding them. Seokmin is still holding his arm and Joshua doesn’t know if it’s because he just had the wind knocked out of him or not but he feels Seokmin’s grip tighten around the crook of his elbow.

"Do you want to uh, talk?" Junhui has both thumbs jabbed into the belt loops of his jeans. He lets out a huff, shifting his weight back and forth from each foot. Minghao stands a few steps behind him, evident concern on his usually unperturbed expression.

"Sure."

  
  
  
  


_“You’re-what? You guys are dating? Since when?”_

_“This afternoon? I mean, we’ve discussed starting something up. You know, it’s different when you’re going out with someone you’re already friends with,”Joshua replies, playing with a string on a cushion. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys first.”_

_“Josh, that’s great! I’m really happy for you.” Seungcheol flashes him a genuine smile and squeezes Jeonghan’s hand. “Isn’t that great news, Hannie?”_

_“Yes...I suppose it is.” Jeonghan seems to be choosing his words carefully. “I’m just kind of shocked- you’ve never mentioned anything to us. To me.“_

_He’s frowning and fidgeting and Joshua can’t think of any reason why he should be. Jeonghan gets jokingly mad when Joshua doesn’t tell him things but not nervous, like the way he’s acting now._

_“And you said we’re the first to know?”_

_“That’s what I said. Don’t worry, I may not have told you but I haven’t told anyone else either!”_

_“So am I allowed to tell anyone?” Jeonghan blurts out, words jumbled up in a mess._

_Seungcheol shakes his head good-naturedly. “We know you’ll spill to the whole gang anyway.”_

He’s not wrong _, Joshua thinks._ Everyone who cares, plus Jihoon, will know by the end of the day. _Still, this was positive news he had hoped to share with the others directly._

_“Uh, I’ll see Hansol later tonight so he’ll hear about it then. I honestly want to tell the others myself too. Unless they’ve already heard through Jun-”_

_“Okay, but what if-”_

_“Jeonghan. I’m telling them myself.”_

_“Fine,” his best friend huffs in response._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> evidently, some things will get slowly revealed as the story unfolds


	3. Three

Lee Seokmin thinks too much.

He’s not Jihoon, who thinks hard and a lot and all the time. Nor is he Mingyu, who does not think nearly enough, or even Soonyoung, who thinks too much too but about all the wrong things.

Seokmin just thinks too much about all the _right_ things- about a certain cat-eyed boy with a wobbly smile and a patient composure. And as obnoxiously cliche as it sounds, Seokmin doesn’t think he’s ever thought so deeply about anyone this way. Sure, he supposes Wonwoo is good-looking and he might have had a fleeting attraction to Mingyu for the two seconds before he opened his mouth when they first met back in high school.

But it had always been Joshua’s quiet jokes Seokmin would laugh a little too loudly at. It had always been Joshua’s casual hugs that were dissected and overanalyzed again and again until Soonyoung would hang up on the video call without warning. Every brief interaction with his perfect, beloved hyung was scrutinized to a bizarrely great degree according to Jihoon, who was always trusted to give an honest opinion.

“Holy shit, Seokmin. Stop being so obsessed with hyung. It makes you look desperate and unattractive.” The composer rolled his eyes after Seokmin visibly whimpered one day the second Joshua left the group study session with Jeonghan and Seungcheol. 

“Jihoon-hyung, what you’re forgetting is that Minnie _is_ desperate. Which in turn makes him unattractive,” Seungkwan remarked. He got a textbook to the face for that comment.

  
  
  


And maybe it’s stupid but maybe he’s liked Joshua from the moment they met. Maybe it was all Mingyu’s fault, because historically, blaming things on Mingyu has worked out for everyone. The summer before Seokmin’s second year of university, Mingyu had been working at the bowling alley near campus. As a result, Seokmin and Minghao spent a lot of time at said bowling alley.

Additionally, Minghao became really _really_ good at bowling. So good that he managed to piss off one of the regulars at the alley. Yoon Jeonghan had snarked about Minghao treading on what he deemed ‘his territory’ and challenged the Chinese man to a match.

Never one to back down from a challenge (which was really more of a threat), Minghao agreed and demanded that Jeonghan meet him on a Tuesday night, the alley’s least-busy night, for the showdown. Mingyu had to pry the two grown men away from each other’s throats before someone got physically hurt.

Naturally, Minghao wanted Seokmin and Mingyu to be present for the match. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world, Hao.” Seokmin clapped his friend on the back and Mingyu nodded enthusiastically like he wasn’t disappointed about having to show up on a day he didn’t usually work shifts.

Seokmin arrived early on the day of the match, leaving Hansol to deal with their appointment with the exterminator alone (the ant farm his roommate had ordered online had arrived at their apartment three days prior). He took a seat at Lane 8, where Minghao and Jeonghan had agreed to compete. His friends and the automatic enemy were nowhere to be found so Seokmin sat alone, poking at the buttons on the screen to set a stupid nickname for Minghao before he arrived.

He was attempting to change the language settings on the system when a sudden swerving motion to his left interrupted him. Seokmin glanced up and caught the gaze of a tall, floppy-haired stranger with soft eyes and a perplexed expression.

And as far as Seokmin remembered, he didn’t hear a choir of angels singing over harp music in the background but _something_ clicked in his head. The stranger was, well, pretty. Pretty and delicate. _Like a flower or something_.

“Hi, uh- you don’t happen to be Xu Minghao, do you?” the stranger asked. 

“Ah, no. I’m just a friend of his,” Seokmin answered. He shouldn’t have gulped like that.

“Oh, I see. My best friend is supposed to play against Minghao and he dragged me here. I thought I was lost but I’m pretty sure he said to go to the eighth lane.”

“Explains why I’ve never seen you here before,” Seokmin blurted out without thinking. He’d seen Jeonghan hanging around with a rather muscular man with long lashes, who would either be sitting down and smiling at Jeonghan all night or playing a few rounds with him. 

But he’d never seen this stranger here until tonight. _If I’d seen you here before, I would have remembered._

If the stranger noticed Seokmin’s unintentionally flirtatious tone, he didn’t comment. “Yeah, Jeonghan tried to get me to come to his games, except I knew it was just him gloating when he defeats his boyfriend so there wouldn’t be much to see,” he laughed and Seokmin laughed with him.

“You could have played with him? Maybe?” he suggested. The stranger tilted his head a little and it was cute. _He was cute._

“Well, I didn’t want to drop the ball on my fingers. I play the guitar so that would have been bad,” he giggled.

“Really? I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the guitar!” Seokmin exclaims. And it _was_ true, he did always want to learn how to play the guitar. 

The stranger smiled sweetly at him and Seokmin’s breath hitched. “Hey, if Jeonghan and Minghao don’t end up killing each other at the end of the night, I’ll give you a lesson. If you want, of course. We did just meet, after all.”

“I’d like that- that, uh, sounds like a plan,” Seokmin agreed, trying to keep his voice even.

“Cool! Oh, they’re here. Finally.” The stranger looked past Seokmin towards the entrance. Seokmin turned to see Minghao and Jeonghan glaring at each other while Jeonghan’s muscular boyfriend chatted with Mingyu behind them.

The stranger stood up to greet them and Seokmin followed him. “I’m Seokmin, by the way,” he shouted a bit too loudly. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Joshua,” replied the stranger, smiling wider and Seokmin grinned back.

“It’s nice to meet you.”

  
  
  
  


(Minghao and Jeonghan ended up tying their scores and Seokmin gained three new friends that night, including Mr. Muscle Man, whose name he learned was Seungcheol. Jeonghan had decided an hour into their newfound friendship that Seokmin was one of his new children. Joshua stayed quiet throughout the night, compared to his friends, but he met Seokmin’s eyes from across the table a few times, like they already shared an unspoken inside joke, leaving Seokmin’s head a little lighter and his heart a little tighter by the time Joshua left with his friends.)

  
  
  
  


It was only when Jeonghan figured out that Seokmin had a very adoring and _not at all frightening_ crush on his best friend that things started to spiral out of control (not that anything was ever really under control with the likes of Soonyoung, Seungkwan, and even Jihoon around as Seokmin’s only confidantes).

“Why are you obsessed with Joshua?” Jeonghan questioned innocently five minutes before Seokmin’s Calculus III midterm. Seokmin had sputtered and almost crashed into the door to his lecture hall.

“I’m not-I’m not obsessed with him! Who told you that?” he demanded to know as Jeonghan just cackled and held the door open for him.

“It’s been kind of obvious. Also, I bribed Jihoon to tell me everything he knows.”

“Seriously?!” Seokmin was shocked that Jihoon would accept a bribe. And from Jeonghan, of all people. “What did you do, hyung?”

“Oh, just threatened to reveal to the whole university who _Woozi_ is,” The older man hummed. Seokmin gasped. Jihoon’s friends knew how much he wanted to keep his double identity as the university’s elusive radio star and producer under wraps.

“Hyung, you know Soonyoung still hasn’t figured out who Woozi is,” Seokmin lowered his voice. Nobody had argued with Minghao when he cracked a joke about nobody telling Soonyoung just to see how long it would take him to figure it out.

“Yeah, he’s a clown. Even Channie knows Woozi is Jihoon and he doesn’t even go to this fucking school yet. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that-” Jeonghan paused, his voice turning serious. “Look, Seokmin- Josh has rejected plenty of guys.”

“Oh. So?” Seokmin tried not to show his deflation at Jeonghan’s words. The TAs started to distribute the exams around the room. 

Jeonghan sighed. “I’m just saying- you should know that the people who’ve confessed to him in the past tended to put him on this, well, _pedestal_. Like he’s this perfect gentleman who can do no wrong.”

“Well, I-”

“And you know what happens when Josh catches wind of that kind of vibe? He turns them down. Nicely, but still. Just something to think about.”

A bark from the professor reminded Jeonghan that he shouldn’t be in the lecture hall and he hurried away, leaving Seokmin to ponder his words until the exam started.

  
  
  
  


He doesn’t remember how he does on the exam but what he does remember is running into Joshua immediately after the midterm. He looked uncharacteristically frazzled and dazed.

“Are you alright, hyung?” Seokmin asked, worried. Joshua managed a smile and nodded reassuringly.

“Yeah, I’m just thinking about the exam I just took. But it’s over, so no use dwelling on it now I guess.”

“Your immunology exam?” Seokmin inquired a little too quickly. He hoped Joshua wouldn’t notice how-

“You really pay attention to the things I talk about huh? I’m pretty sure I only mentioned that once,” Joshua teased.

Seokmin felt the tips of his ears heat up and prayed it wasn’t obvious. “Well, yeah,” he mumbled back, his voice small. “Of course I do.”

To his delight, his precious hyung reached up and ruffled his hair, the soft smile Seokmin loved so much adorning his face. “That’s sweet. You’re sweet, Minnie.”

If this was a dream, Seokmin never wanted to wake up. Joshua brought his hand down from Seokmin’s hair to his shoulder and gave it a squeeze and Seokmin wanted to scream. “I was gonna get lunch at the ramen place off-campus today. Wanna come with me?”

Seokmin agreed all too happily. Jeonghan’s warnings echoed in his head but Seokmin shoved them away. Feeling brave, he latched onto his hyung’s arm, heart already in Joshua’s grasp.


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating has gone up fyi
> 
> I'm also working on a jeongcheol prequel one-shot (that will likely turn into a three-shot or something) that will be posted at some point.

_ If there’s anything Joshua hates, it’s seeing Hansol like this. The younger boy has puffy eyes and a nose as red as the Christmas decorations Jeonghan refuses to take down from their shared apartment. Joshua had chosen the wrong time to share his good news with him but in hindsight, how was he supposed to know that while he himself had been enjoying the post-confession glow of shy smiles and relief of mutual feelings, Hansol had gotten his heart ripped out of his chest and stomped on in the same afternoon- in other words, the exact opposite of Joshua’s situation. _

_ “He said I was his best friend, hyung,” The younger man whimpered into Joshua’s shoulder. “And then I said, ‘What about Mingyu?’ And then he was all, ‘Well, Gyu is my best friend that I also want to punch in the face’.” _

_ “Oh, I see-” _

_ “Can you believe it, Josh? I’ve been relegated to the title of ‘Best Friend Whose Face He Does  _ Not _ Want to Punch’! I just don’t understand...” _

_ “I’m so sorry to hear this, I really am,” Joshua sighs. Hansol sniffles and turns away to blow his nose into a tissue. Loudly. The two of them are sitting on a creaky bench in a public park, cicadas chirping in darkness behind them. _

_ “Thanks for listening, by the way,” Hansol continues. “I’ve been trying to talk to Seungkwan about it but he’s been acting like he just, well, I don’t know...like he really doesn’t want to hear it? And I don’t want to burden him, you know? But it’s really unlike him to be like this...” _

_ “I know, I understand.” The unsaid  _ you know that Seungkwan likes you, right?  _ hangs in the air melancholically. As much as Joshua would like to play matchmaker here, he knows that it’s not really his place.  _

_ “And you’re welcome, of course,” he adds. “I’m sorry I bombarded you with the news of me and Jun. You looked really down today from the start and I should have been more sensitive.” _

_ “It’s okay, hyung. You were excited. And honestly-” Hansol pauses to blow his nose again. “-Honestly, you telling me this made me a little bit relieved.” _

_ Joshua frowns, not understanding.“What do you mean?” _

_ “Like, I wondered if maybe I had gotten rejected ‘cause he wanted to be with Jun. But if Jun’s dating you, then he won’t be able to- I mean- argh!” Hansol lets out a half-yell of exasperation. “I didn’t mean- I didn’t mean that he’s trying to go for Jun! Especially now, I just-” _

_ “It’s fine, Hansol- I think I get what you’re saying.” _

_ And he does. Everyone always thought it was a matter of time before Junhui and Minghao got together. They had always been the type of friends who got mistaken as a couple by strangers or even acquaintances. Joshua quickly pushes away the prickle of insecurity creeping up on him. If this was meant to work out, it would. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So? What’s up?” Joshua stands with his arms uncrossed, trying his best to look Junhui in the eye. “Did you have anything in particular you-”

“You  _ know _ what we’re gonna talk about,” Junhui huffs, but he has the remnants of a small smile on his face. “Look Josh- I meant what I said about wanting to be friends again.”

“Is that what you want right now?” Joshua asks him. He wants Junhui to be certain that he’s at the point where he feels comfortable falling back into the friendship they had before any feelings got involved and their relationship had changed irrevocably. 

“Yes,” Junhui says a little too quickly and Joshua is dubious but he’s honestly sick and tired of avoiding his ex-boyfriend. Tentatively, he places a hand on Junhui’s shoulder and the taller man sighs but he doesn’t make an attempt to brush off the gesture.

“I’m gonna do my best to...get things back to the way they were,” he states, and Joshua knows his determination is genuine.

He looks past Junhui’s shoulder and catches Minghao’s eye. From a distance, the younger looks taken back, eyes wide. Seokmin, who is standing in front of Minghao, turns around to see what caused his friend’s panic. 

If Joshua didn’t know any better, he’d think that Seokmin looks almost annoyed. He can’t think of any reason why, though. Junhui follows his stare and the four of them lock gazes for a brief moment, before Minghao breaks eye contact and Junhui turns back around again too.

“Are you two…?” Joshua trails off, his question obvious. 

Junhui turns red almost immediately. “Hao and I have always been close.” he falters. 

_ I know. We all know  _ Joshua thinks. He knows Junhui isn’t telling him the full story but maybe Joshua doesn’t have the right to know right now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin watches with amusement as Minghao starts staring at Joshua and Junhui again. He looks almost terrified and it’s  _ almost _ funny. Not particularly keen on watching his hyungs talk either, Seokmin throws an arm around Minghao’s shoulders, steering them both away from Joshua and Junhui and toward one of the drink stalls. Hansol and Seungkwan are standing there already, sharing a lemonade.

“You two look grim,” Hansol comments matter-of-factly while Seungkwan shoots them a sympathetic glance.

“Did you guys say something to Joshua-hyung earlier?” Seokmin asks, not caring how dramatically demanding he sounds.

“About what?” Seungkwan raises an eyebrow while Hansol lets out a nervous laugh and tightens his grip around Seungkwan’s waist.

“You  _ know _ what.”

Minghao rolls his eyes. “Dude, you looked so fucking pissed just now. Just chill- they’re not getting back together and you can still pretend you’re gonna make a move like you’ve talked about doing since  _ forever _ .”

“Oh, shut up,” Seokmin retorts, flicking Minghao’s shoulder. “I looked pissed, but you looked horrified. Do you even believe the words coming out of your mouth? We’ve all asked you before but- you and Jun-hyung really-”

“You’ve always liked him.“ Hansol interrupts, unfazed. 

Minghao just shrugs. “I do believe the words coming out of my mouth, yeah,” he says, and they leave it at that.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “What’s on your mind, hyung?” Seokmin breaks the silence as they sit side by side on the swing set. Joshua bites down on the tip of his popsicle, his lips and tongue turning blue as he contemplates telling Seokmin what happened.  _

_ “Jihoon- well, he said something the other day...” he starts. “And it kind of hurt my feelings?” _

_ “He did? What did he say to you?” Seokmin’s jaw drops and he suddenly looks so genuinely mad that it’s comical. “I’ll- I’ll fight him! I’ll probably lose but still I-” _

_ “Hey, hey it’s okay,” Joshua tries to reassure him. He twists his swing around to face the younger, the metal chains winding with an uneasy creaking sound. Seokmin’s frown softens. _

_ Joshua takes a deep breath before continuing. “Jihoon said that I don’t notice when I’m hurting people? I don’t know, I-” _

_ “What-what was the context of this?” Seokmin questions, sucking on the tip of his popsicle like he’s too afraid to bite down on it. _

_ “Cheol and Jeonghan- they were talking about how they’ve been together so long, you know? Like I’ve known Han since we were both tiny and dumb- I was around when he met Seungcheol.” _

_ “And? What does this have to do with Jihoon-hyung?” _

_ “Well, they were talking about how they’ve seen me reject a lot of people, I guess? Like during all this time they’ve been together. Then Jihoon chimed in about how he thought that I should have been more aware of how people felt so I wouldn’t end up hurting their feelings.” _

_ He always had the mindset not to assume the feelings of others in that regard. Jihoon’s statement had taken him completely by surprise and Joshua didn’t really think it was correct at all. He had tried to figure out whether the other person was trying to drop hints of romantic feelings towards him but it was difficult to deduce this when it was himself on the receiving end of such signals. _

_ “I don’t know...Like, I’m just really bad at acknowledging these supposed hints that someone likes me? I just assume they’re being nice because I don’t want to be this arrogant person who thinks everyone who looks their way is into them, you know?” _

_ Seokmin hums a little and looks away towards the dimming sunset. He bites his lip, like he wants to say something. _

_ “Shua-hyung, do you...like anybody right now?” _

_ Joshua thinks for a second. His mind wanders to Junhui; the two of them are making progress in their developing friendship. but maybe it’s too soon for Joshua to tell if he actually likes him that way. He hasn’t told anybody that he’s even considering the idea of himself and Junhui, not wanting to make a big deal out of something that probably won’t even happen. _

_ “Not really,” he decides. “I guess I’m just waiting for the right person. I don’t know if I agree with what Jihoon said. I know I have some personality traits I should, uh, improve? Like everybody else does, I guess. But I know I deserve someone that will make me happy and I don’t want to hurt anybody else in the process- I really don’t mean to...” _

_ “I think Joshua-hyung deserves the best too,” Seokmin agrees, simply.  _

_ Silence fills the air between them once more. Joshua is about to change the topic when Seokmin speaks up again. _

_ “You know hyung, maybe you should just date me.” Seokmin mumbles. He’s looking down at the gravel, kicking the pebbles with a quiet pout.  _

_ And he looks and sounds so serious, but Joshua knows he’s kidding. Seokmin just likes to joke around with everyone and it’s one of the things Joshua loves about his friend.  _

_ “I-I’m just saying,” Seokmin stammers, his voice wavering a little while Joshua wonders if he should be laughing at his joke. “I’d be a good boyfriend to you. I’d treat you like a prince if we were together.”  _

_ His voice cracks on the last syllable and he visibly swallows hard. Joshua realizes that Seokmin must be attempting to cheer him up. He smiles brightly at the younger, trying to make his appreciation apparent. _

_ “You’re so kind, Seokminnie.” he says softly. “Seriously, I’ve never met anyone more considerate than you. You’re always thinking of everyone’s feelings and that’s very admirable,” Joshua chuckles a little. “So apparently I should be more like you, according to Jihoon.” _

_ He glances at Seokmin, who just grimaces and lets out a small laugh. It looks and sounds forced and Joshua wonders if his own jokes really are that terrible. _


	5. Five

Everything is pink.

Seokmin floats on a cotton candy cloud, a distant roaring of a roller coaster practically muted by someone’s screams (it sounds like Soonyoung but he can never be sure). He can spot the tallest wave swinger he’s ever seen next to a drop tower of equal height. But both pale in comparison to the ferris wheel, which stands proudly below Seokmin and his pink cloud bed.

All of a sudden, rose petals begin to rain down from the sky. They don’t flutter down softly- rather, they pelt down like hail. Seokmin covers his head with his hands- he’s lived this dream enough times to know what happens next.

The cloud dissipates and Seokmin falls through the roze quartz sky. He lands swiftly into the seat of one of the carriages in the ferris wheel. The ride is rotating slowly and smoothly and Seokmin immediately turns to look at the other person in the carriage.

“Hi,” Joshua smiles sweetly at him and Seokmin just grins back, not caring how stupid the expression on his face looks.

Joshua pouts at him- _so cute_ \- and moves closer to Seokmin. “Where were you? I’ve been waiting for you for so long.”

“I’m here now,” Seokmin replies breathlessly. He’s not really sure where he was before he ended up on the cloud, anyway.

“Do you have something to tell me?” Joshua hums. It’s pink-haired Joshua- one of Seokmin’s favourite versions of Dream Joshua. Sometimes it’s blue-haired Joshua who shows up, and on occasion it’s blond-haired Joshua. It’s never black-haired Joshua though, and that makes Seokmin sad because he recognizes that it’s probably an indication that Real Joshua, who also has black hair, will never reciprocate his feelings.

He sinks into the carriage, recalling the first time he had tried to confess to Joshua. He had worked himself up to believe it was a good idea when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Luckily, Seokmin’s futile attempt had not concluded with him embarrassing himself as much as he could have.

“I really like you,” Seokmin blurts out, and wishes he could be this brave in real life. “And I have for a long time. And I tried to tell you before but- everything kinda fell apart before I could and-”

He pauses and reaches for Joshua’s hand. “I like you so much that it hurts really, _really_ bad just being around you.”

“Even now that I’m not dating Jun anymore?” Joshua asks quietly.

Seokmin nods sadly. “Trust me, I know that just ‘cause you’re not dating anyone doesn’t mean you’ll ever feel the same way. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you since you two broke up-”

“What do you mean?”

“-Because I don’t want to delude myself into thinking I have a chance. But it’s probably too late and I’m still hoping that somehow you’ll start to feel the same way.”

Seokmin feels tears pooling at his eyes and tries to blink them away. Joshua shifts closer to him and cups his cheek, swiping Seokmin’s tears away with his thumb.

“But what if I like you too? Like, a lot.”

Seokmin sniffles, not meeting his gaze. “Do you?”

“Yeah,” Joshua swallows. “I do.”

And like all those times before, Seokmin lets himself believe that it’s true. Maybe if he believes hard enough, he can transform his dreams into reality.

“Can I... _you know_?” Seokmin glances bashfully at Joshua’s pretty pink lips and the older giggles and nods shyly before he leans in, eyes closed and lips parted. Excited, Seokmin inches closer and plants the softest, sweetest kiss he can manage on Joshua’s patient lips, arms circling around his hyung’s waist. Seokmin holds onto him tightly, like maybe it would be enough to make this all real.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Okay, okay- that’s enough.” Seungcheol grabs the back of Wonwoo’s collar lightly to pry him off of Mingyu. “I dared you to kiss him, not inhale his mouth to the moon and back.”

“What does that even mean?” Chan wonders aloud to nobody in particular. They’re hanging out in the small and cramped living room of Hansol and Seokmin’s small and cramped apartment; the latter is asleep in his room while Hansol plays host by himself.

Wonwoo sits back down and wipes his lips exaggeratedly with faux disgust. “Wow, Cheol- I can’t believe you would make me kiss _Mingyu_ of all people. I’m scarred _for life_ now. Hope you don’t make me do it ag-”

“Do it again,” Chan commands proudly like he has any sort of authority.

“Oh, _alright._ You know I can _never_ say no to Chan!” Wonwoo rolls his eyes, biting back a smile like anybody in the room actually believes that he’s truly repulsed by Mingyu. Mingyu just grins widely and pulls Wonwoo back onto his lap for another kiss.

From a few metres away, Hansol blows a puff of flavoured smoke into Joshua’s face. Joshua coughs in banana nut bread and wafts the fumes back to him. 

Hansol just laughs. “Chill, Josh. You’ve done this too. Many times and with me, in fact.”

“With all of us,” Seungcheol adds. He takes a hit of his own vape, a raspberry cloud filling the air around them. “Except Chan because he’s a child.”

“I’m not a child!”

“Yes you are. Your turn.” Hansol tosses him his vape pen and Chan peers at it like he’s never seen one before. 

“I thought we were playing Truth or Dare,” Joshua intervenes, not particularly wanting Chan to be peer-pressured into smoking with them.

Seungcheol side-eyes Wonwoo and Mingyu, who haven’t broken apart from each other. Mingyu has both hands on Wonwoo’s waist as the other grinds on his lap. 

“Yeah, I thought we were too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“Where have you three been?”_

_Joshua looks up from his textbook and watches as Jeonghan screeches at Wonwoo, Seokmin, and Hansol. Their younger friends look tired and groggy. Wonwoo’s hair is a nasty shade of bright orange and Seokmin is wearing his flannel inside-out. Hansol runs up to Joshua while rolling up his sleeve with a grin._

_Joshua almost faints at the sight of what looks like blood running down Hansol’s leg but the younger just waves his wrist in Joshua’s face._

_“Look at my cool new tattoo, hyung!” he yells uncharacteristically. A tiny black eighth-note looks like it was drawn on his wrist with a Sharpie._

_Jeonghan leans over to get a better look at Hansol’s “tattoo” and Joshua just sighs._

_“Where- where were you guys? We haven’t heard from any of you for the past, like five days. None of us have even seen you in class.”_

_“Nowhere,” Seokmin replies quickly and Hansol nods insistingly as he rolls his sleeve back up._

_“We were just all very very sick!” he grins, giving them a thumbs-up._

_Jeonghan narrows his eyes with suspicion. “Sick enough to get a tattoo?”_

_“Okay, goodbye!” Wonwoo pulls Hansol by the sleeve and drags him away. Seokmin starts to follow them but Joshua grabs his hand before he can leave. Seokmin lets out a little huff but stays put._

_“We just wanted to know if you guys were safe.” Joshua keeps his voice soft. “We were all worried.”_

_Seokmin doesn’t look him in the eye and just swallows hard, his other hand balled into a fist._

_“We-we’re all fine, hyung,” he responds after what feels like an eternity. Dropping Joshua’s hand, he takes off after Wonwoo and Hansol. Joshua sighs and sinks into his seat while Jeonghan quickly looks back down at his notes._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Truth or Dare.” Chan points Hansol’s vape pen at Wonwoo, who has finally pulled himself off of Mingyu.

Wonwoo clicks his tongue and takes the vape from him. “Truth.”

“Okay.” Chan pretends to think for a bit. “Where did you go near the start of the second semester? Like, when you, Hansol-hyung, and Seokmin-hyung all disappeared for almost a week.”

Joshua doesn’t miss the pointed look Hansol directs at Wonwoo upon hearing Chan’s question. He’s also very curious; their three friends who had vanished in the middle of January had never spoken of where they were and what they were doing. Even Jeonghan, who had a tendency to successfully force information out of others, didn’t manage to find out anything.

Wonwoo just laughs nervously. “I don’t know why you guys keep asking us this. It doesn’t matter where we went.”

“Yeah, I told you we were sick,” Hansol adds hastily.

Joshua and Seungcheol exchange exasperated looks. “No one believed that lie for a second, Hansol,” Seungcheol scoffs as he blows a small puff in Hansol’s direction.

“Yeah, you guys were all clearly doing something together in the same place.” Mingyu states with confidence.

It is right then and there when Joshua realizes something else. “You guys never tell me anything,” he exclaims. “Not just about your weird disappearance but also why Seokmin was ignoring me for the past month up until we all played laser tag last week.”

“Okay, well I don’t know why he was ignoring you,” Wonwoo retorts too quickly and Hansol nods again like he’s a robot following all of Wonwoo’s actions.

“Yeah, that’s something Seokmin needs to tell you himself.”

“I need to tell who about what?”

Joshua and his friends jump a little as the door to Seokmin’s room creaks open and Seokmin shuts it behind him as he makes his way to the living room to take a seat between Chan and Seungcheol.

“What are we talking about?”

“Just how you have something to tell me that you keep putting off telling me,” Joshua retorts, looking Seokmin directly in the eye.

This time, Seokmin looks back into his eyes. “Yes, I do.” he says bravely.

_Finally._ Joshua lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay, so what is it, then?”

A sudden cough from Hansol interrupts them and Joshua is suddenly aware of the way everyone else is staring at them with unreadable expressions.

“Oh, look at the time!” Mingyu jumps up and the floor shakes. “I suddenly have somewhere to be! And so does Wonwoo!”

He pulls Wonwoo up and the two of them awkwardly shuffle out of the apartment as Seungcheol stands up too.

“I also have plans,” he announces and grabs his jacket. “With Jeonghan. A date. So, uh don’t come back to your apartment too early, Josh!”

“Chan and I have uh, a date too!” Hansol blurts out.

“What?” Joshua’s head starts to spin. It’s probably the smoke. “Dude, you’re dating Seungkwan.”

“Yes, I am, uh- what I meant was that I’m gonna go out with Boo tonight and Chan’s gonna watch! Okay, bye guys.” Hansol practically shoves Chan out the door before slamming it shut.

“Chan’s gonna what? Okay...” Joshua groans. He feels like he’s been living the same moment over and over, with Seokmin acting weird and secretive and the rest of their friends covering for him. Hopefully he could put an end to all these secrets tonight.

“Well?” he bites his lip, waiting for the younger to speak. Seokmin has his arms crossed as he stares out the window dramatically. 

And it would be a really funny sight if Joshua wasn’t so frustrated and confused. Finally, Seokmin turns back to him and exhales slowly.

“Do you…want to get out of here too? I’ll talk to you about what’s going on, I just- not here. It smells like a vape bakery in here.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why the fumes are lingering. They weren’t smoking weed, just vaping.” Joshua wrinkles his nose. “And sure, we can take this outside.”

“Cool, cool.” Seokmin takes a step closer to him. “And uh, I’m sorry about all this. Again.”

“It’s fine,” Joshua sighs, shutting his eyes tightly. “I just want to know what’s going on. I care a lot about you and-”

He’s cut off as Seokmin suddenly throws his arms around him and pulls Joshua into his arms. Joshua melts into the hug, scents of orange blossom flowers masking the fumes of the room. Seokmin holds onto him tightly for a bit longer before letting go.

“Come on, hyung,” Seokmin whispers. Hesitantly, he intertwines their fingers before he reaches for the doorknob.

Without thinking, Joshua squeezes his hand. It’s not out of the ordinary- he’s held Seokmin’s hand before. It’s intimate but innocent but they’re friends and that’s just something friends do sometimes.


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited chapters 2 and 4 for timeline clarities.

_ “I’m gonna do it,” Seokmin announces to the room. _

_ “That’s great, dude.” Jihoon doesn’t look up from the screen, steering wildly to stay ahead of Soonyoung’s kart on Rainbow Road. He fails and Princess Peach falls into the dark abyss. Soonyoung snorts and Jihoon elbows him in the ribs before his kart gets placed back on the racetrack. _

_ “Aren’t you gonna ask what I’m gonna do?” Seokmin whines at them. From beside him on the bed, Seungkwan just smiles sympathetically and pats him on the back. _

_ “Hyung, I support you and your endeavors in winning his heart,” he says, patting the top of Seokmin’s head. “That being said, are you sure you want to confess? Maybe you should keep waiting it out-” _

_ “No,” Seokmin replies quickly. “I have come to the conclusion that he’ll never notice me that way unless I say something.” _

_ “You mean to tell me that your attempts at pretending to run into him randomly on campus and acting like you’re struggling to play a certain guitar chord  _ didn’t  _ make hyung fall head over heels for you? I’m  _ shocked _ ,” Jihoon drawls sarcastically. Soonyoung snickers and raises his hand for a high-five, which Jihoon promptly ignores. Seokmin just glares at both of them and muffles a yell into one of Seungkwan’s pillows. Wonwoo chooses that moment to walk in and Seokmin quickly shushes the room. _

_ “What?” The bookworm looks around at them with a suspicious facial expression. “Why did you guys get all quiet?” _

_ Jihoon snickers and Seungkwan starts to toss himself around the bed, making a blanket sushi roll. Seokmin gives Wonwoo the most placated look he can manage. If Wonwoo found out about his feelings for Joshua, he would tell Junhui, and then Junhui would tell everybody and then Seokmin would have to move to Guam. Joshua finding out about his crush through second-hand information would be just so _ , so  _ embarrassing! And Seokmin would look immature and cowardly and that just simply wouldn’t do. _

_ Soonyoung pauses the game and turns to Seokmin. “Just tell him. Jeonghan found out and he never said anything.” _

_ He supposes Soonyoung has a point. Okay, maybe Wonwoo could know.  _

_ “It’s nothing really. I’m just gonna ask someone out.” _

_ “Oh, okay.” To his surprise, Wonwoo just shrugs and sits down on the bed next to Seungkwan, who has stopped rolling. Seokmin watches him watch the game, uninterested _

_ “...Aren’t you gonna ask who it is?” _

_ “Josh, right?” Wonwoo’s eyes don’t move from the screen. Princess Peach falls off the track again and Seokmin just gapes at the older man. _

_ “Well, don’t look so surprised, Seok. I thought that wasn’t exactly a secret.” _

_ Seungkwan and Soonyoung burst into laughter at Wonwoo’s comment and even Jihoon lets out a small smile. Seokmin shrinks a little, stealing Seungkwan's blankets back from him to cover his burning face. _

_ Wonwoo smiles reassuringly at him. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I can definitely see how that could work out. Like- you’re both the sweetest angels except you’re just loud enough to account for how quiet he can be sometimes.” _

_ “Yeah, I told Seokmin the same thing,” Jihoon snickers. “The two of them have enough in common but they’re not too similar. There’s a balance and I think that’s necessary for a romantic rel-” _

_ “Don’t  _ we _ have that too? Enough in common but not too much?” Soonyoung interrupts him with a Cheshire-like grin. Jihoon just glares at him and mumbles something incoherent under his breath. _

_ “Anyway…” Seokmin starts when nobody says anything else. “I’ll do it when I see him tomorrow. So no one has time to talk me out of it.” _

_ “Trust me, hyung- everyone who knows wants to put an end to your pining,” Seungkwan responds. On screen, Princess Daisy celebrates on the first place position on the podium while Princess Peach waves on from second place. Jihoon tosses his controller at Wonwoo, who moves to the floor to switch places with him. _

_ Soonyoung waves his controller at Seokmin and Seungkwan, gesturing for one of them to take over for him. Seokmin shakes his head while Seungkwan suddenly coughs and Seokmin catches him staring at his phone with an unreadable expression. _

_ “What is it?” Seokmin frowns concernedly at his friend. Seungkwan inhales sharply and slowly puts his phone down. _

_ “Nothing, nothing.” Seungkwan sits up and shoves his phone under the blanket. Seokmin blinks at him while the rest of their friends don’t seem to take note of their conversation. _

_ “It’s clearly not nothing,” Seokmin whispers. “Show me.” _

_ Soonyoung begins screeching about Wonwoo lapping him in the race. Seungkwan sighs as Seokmin tries to raise one eyebrow at him. _

_ “Fine- only ‘cause I know how persistent you are.” Seungkwan uncovers his phone and passes it to Seokmin, who unlocks it easily- Seungkwan’s password is his own name. _

**_(3:11 PM)_ **

**_kidney privilege: hahahaha he said no_ **

**_chew218: fuckfuckfuck_ **

**_(3:15 PM)_ **

**_mister boo: oh_ **

**_(3:24 PM)_ **

**_kidney privilege: can you call me later_ **

**_(3:37 PM)_ **

**_kidney privilege: kwan_ **

**_kidney privilege: im big sad_ **

**_kidney privilege: big sad vibes seungkwan_ **

**_(3:40 PM)_ **

**_mister boo: I’m sorry about your vibes._ **

**_kidney privilege:idk i really thought hao would say yes_ **

**_kidney privilege: but_ **

**_kidney privilege: he didn’t! lmaoooo hahaha_ **

**_(4:07 PM)_ **

**_kidney privilege: hahaha_ **

**_kidney privilege: boo_ **

**_kidney privilege:he said i was his best friend_ **

**_kidney privilege: but like. you’re my best friend._ **

**_kidney privilege: so_ **

**_(4:10 PM)_ **

**_kidney privilege: sorry if im bugging you rn_ **

**_kidney privilege: i just_ **

**_kidney privilege: yk i’ll just talk to josh about it tonight._ **

**_kidney privilege:it’s whatever_ **

Ah.  _ Seokmin knows what this is about. He hands Seungkwan’s phone back to him. _

_ “You should talk to him.” _

_ “I’m sure Joshua-hyung has it under control,” Seungkwan replies stiffly. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Where are we going?” Joshua asks him as they walk side by side in the crisp evening air.

Seokmin has no idea.

“And when are you gonna start talking to me about what’s going on?”

Seokmin has no idea about that either.

“Seokmin.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m so tired of this.” Joshua sounds like he’s about to start crying and Seokmin hates that it’s most definitely his fault. “I just want to fix whatever I did wrong to make you stop talking to me for a whole month.”

Seokmin tries to keep his voice even. “I told you before, hyung. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re fine and I’m the one who’s sorry.”

“But I clearly did do  _ something _ . I know you can’t stand being mad at anyone but there you were, avoiding me. I feel like this is just a misunderstanding because I’ve dwelled on what I could have possibly done to piss you off and-”

Maybe Seokmin should just tell Joshua exactly what he should have told him ages ago. Well, it wasn’t the right time ages ago considering what had happened when he had tried to confess.

Maybe now was the right time.

“-I realized something.” 

“What did you realize?” Seokmin lets out a breath he didn’t notice he had been holding.

Joshua bites his lip. “This all started exactly around the time Jun and I broke up.”

_ Oh. _

“Did it?” Seokmin pretends to think. “Well, that-”

“-is probably just a coincidence, I know,” Joshua finishes for him. “Because I don’t know how that could have anything to do with you. It’s just very strange that you stopped answering my texts the day after I told you what had happened between him and I.”

He looks so confused and so sad and Seokmin decides that he can’t be bothered to hold in his own secret anymore. This had gone on long enough.

“It-it did have something to do with the Jun thing,” he mumbles so quietly Joshua doesn’t hear him.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I-I said I was acting all weird because of the Jun thing!” Seokmin exclaims, a little too loudly. They’re all alone on the sidewalk anyway.

“Wh-what? I don’t-  _ okay _ ,” Joshua shuts his eyes tightly and exhales. “Can you explain where the correlation is? Because I don’t see it.”

This was it. He was going to try again. Seokmin opens his mouth, words careful but slippery.

_ I was scared I was going to delude myself into thinking I suddenly had a chance with you.  _

“I was scared I was going to delude myself,” he starts.

“Why?” Joshua shoots back like clockwork.

_ Because it was already hard enough when you were taken and I knew I couldn’t be with you. _

“Because it was already hard enough seeing you with Jun-hyung,” Seokmin answers slowly and honestly.

“W-why is that? Minnie, I don’t understand what you mean.”

_ As selfish as it was, I just couldn’t face the ugly truth that your breakup with Jun wouldn’t change anything between you and me. _

“As selfish as it was..”

“Yes?” Joshua gestures for him to continue.

“I couldn’t face the ugly truth that your breakup with Jun…” Seokmin trails off. Did Joshua not have a single clue where he was going with this? It was like he wasn’t even allowing himself to see what should be obvious.

Seokmin couldn’t do it.

“...was warranted if you guys wanted to break up. I didn’t understand why you were giving up something so good and I wanted something that good for myself so I took it out on you.”

Joshua stares at him. “That’s the reason? Seokmin, I- I don’t believe that.”

_ Shit.  _ “It’s true!” he cries out weakly. “Shua-hyung, I was just jealous of Jun. And you.” he tacks on hastily.

Joshua still looks like he doesn’t believe him.

“Like I said- I-I wanted that relationship with someone.”

“With who?” Joshua asks him.

“With-with…”

_ You. Always you. _

“Mingyu!” Seokmin lies and Joshua’s eyes widen. 


	7. Seven

“Mingyu…” Joshua repeats slowly. “I-  _ what?  _ When did this happen? For how long have you-”

“Uh, since around the time you and Jun-hyung broke up,” Seokmin fibs through his teeth. “Like I said, I was envious of your guys’ relationship because I very desperately, uh, _desired_ something like that but with-”

“-Mingyu,” Joshua finishes for him. He doesn’t sound like he believes Seokmin.  _ Shit. _

“Yes!” Seokmin falters, trying to sound convincing. “Oh boy! Mingyu’s just so, well...attractive! And intelligent!” Seokmin pretends, though on the inside he feels like vomiting. Mingyu really was attractive and intelligent but Seokmin could never think of one of his closest friends in that way.

Joshua looks like he has to mull the news over. “Well, I suppose he is smarter than he lets on. Graduated top of your high school class, after all.”

Seokmin nods furiously, the loose curls on his head bobbing up and down. Joshua still looks unconvinced.

“And yet you’ve only recently discovered that you have feelings for... _ Mingyu _ .” Joshua clicks his tongue.

“That’s right!” Seokmin grimaces. “I just...really, really like him!”

“I see…”

“So are we okay then, hyung?” Seokmin cuts in quickly before Joshua can interrogate farther. “I told you all that you wanted to know.”

The older frowns. “What about what happened with you and Hansol and Wonu in January?”

_ Oh, right.  _ “You should ask one of them. It’s more Wonwoo’s secret than anyone’s-”

_ Wonwoo _ . 

_ Oh no.  _ How would he react if he found out Seokmin supposedly had a crush on Mingyu? It wasn’t true, but Wonwoo likely having feelings for Mingyu (though he isn’t likely to ever admit to it out loud) definitely drives a wedge into the lie Seokmin made up on the spot.

“Anyway,” Seokmin starts hastily. “Please don’t tell anyone about the... _ Mingyu _ thing.”

Joshua wrinkles his nose and it’s adorable and Seokmin might burst into tears. “Your secret is safe with me,” he finally decides and Seokmin grins at him.

“You’re the best, hyung.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Jeonghan sounds annoyed. In his defense, Seokmin had phoned him as he was about to head to bed. _

_ “What do you want?” Seokmin leans away from his phone with a grimace. He brings the phone back to his ear once the echo of Jeonghan’s shriek dies out. _

_ “How would your, um best friend like to be confessed to?” he whispers, feeling a blush creep up on his cheeks. “Because I think I’m ready to tell Joshua-hyung how I feel.” _

_ The other end of the line goes silent. “Hello?” Seokmin shouts. Hansol is staying at Chan’s house for the night so Seokmin knows he can be as loud as he wants within the parameters of their apartment. “Hyung, are you still-” _

_ “Yeah, hi,” Jeonghan responds hesitantly. “You- you want to tell him you like him? Now?” _

_ Seokmin doesn’t know why Jeonghan sounds so dubious. “Yes? I’m planning on saying something when I see him tomorrow. Because we’re gonna hang out. Alone,” he adds, not bothering to hide the joy in his voice. Last week, Seokmin had sighed dramatically about having nobody to go to the dog cafe with. Joshua asked him if he would like his company and Seokmin pretended like that wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for to happen. _

_ Jeonghan hums. “I mean, are you sure you should do this? You don’t think tomorrow will be a date, do you?" he inquires, with a nervous but joking tone, as if Seokmin was supposed to laugh along with him. "You’ve hung out with him alone before so why would this be different?” _

_ His words felt like a slap across Seokmin’s face. Jeonghan had the capacity to be mean, but there was usually a reason. Seokmin blinks, feeling his hyung’s judgement from the other end of the call. “I-I mean, I’m gonna ask him if he wants to make our hangout a date. Because I’m gonna confess to him,” he says, voice wavering. Jeonghan sighs again. _

_ "Listen-" _

_ “I really like him, hyung and I think he deserves to know just how much.” _

_ “I know you really like him,” Jeonghan exhales slowly and the phone shakes in Seokmin’s hand. “I just don’t think you should do this, um, now. It doesn’t seem like a great time to-” _

_ “Hyung. I’m gonna tell him.” _

_ “Seokmin-” _

_ “Sorry, hyung but I’ve already made up my mind. Goodnight.” Seokmin clicks the red ‘end call’ button and hangs up on Jeonghan before he can second-guess his decision. It’s fine- Jeonghan probably fell asleep the second the call ended. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_(12:34 AM)_ **

**_diqué: cheol-hyung!_ **

**_diqué: sorry to bother you so late_ **

**_diqué: but i was wondering if you could help me with something_ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ He hopes Seungcheol doesn’t mention to Jeonghan what Seokmin had asked him for help with. He still doesn’t understand why Jeonghan sounded so unsure about his plan over the phone. Whatever. Seokmin has already made up his mind. Seungcheol was helpful and chirped away happily over the phone even though it was one in the morning by the time he responded to Seokmin’s text.  _

_ Seokmin decided not to tell Seungcheol his plan and instead made up a lie about wanting to survey how  _ everyone _ Seungcheol knew would like to be confessed to. He sniffled with the older man while he waxed poetry about how he and Jeonghan had gotten together, as well as during a long-winded explanation of how Jihoon was uncertain about how honest Soonyoung was about his own feelings before Seungcheol started going on about Joshua. _

_ “Oh, and Josh? Josh’s weeb ass loves that sappy romantic stuff as much as he pretends not to. You know, sometimes I think Jihoon secretly does too. But for both of them, it definitely has more to do with the person performing the gesture above anything else.” _

_ “I see, thanks hyung-” _

_ Seungcheol sighs overdramatically. “Those two go around breaking hearts without knowing it!” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Maybe he’s making too big of a deal about this. He doesn’t want to scare Joshua away but maybe he would think this was sweet? It wasn’t like he was about to confess to a complete stranger. _

_ Flowers were okay right? Were roses too serious and frightening? But they were pink roses, not red and was there not a universal understanding that pink was more casual yet still sincere of a colour? And he wasn’t trying too hard by putting on a navy blue button-down shirt he thought he looked at least  _ okay  _ in, right? Even if he carefully cuffed the sleeves and smoothed down the front multiple times before heading outside.  _

_ This was fine! Everything was going to be fine! Seokmin had already made up his mind so there was no backing down. _

_ Tapping his foot nervously, he stares down at Joshua and Jeonghan’s weird new fuzzy welcome mat in front of their apartment door. It says “Welcome, Now Leave” in neon green cursive. Seokmin thinks he remembers Jeonghan saying it was a gift from Seungcheol and he wonders if asking Seungcheol for advice was at all a good idea. _

_ His quivering grip on the tiny pink bouquet behind his back loosens as he hears footsteps tumbling to the door. He texted Joshua that he was here, albeit twelve minutes early but Seokmin is afraid that Jeonghan will be the one to open the door and that he’ll start making a big fuss about Seokmin’s plan and try to talk him out of it.  _

_ Jeonghan isn’t the one who opens the door. _

_ “Oh, hey Seokmin. You’re here for Josh, right?” Junhui steps aside so that Seokmin can enter the apartment. _

_ “Hey, hyung!” Seokmin lets out a breath he forgot he was holding. It wasn’t unusual for any one of their mutual friends to be found wandering around each other’s homes. _

_ “Yeah I am- he’s here right?” A sudden rush of horror washes over Seokmin as he considers the possibility of Joshua forgetting about their plans. He would feel absolutely mortified if that happened.  _

_ Luckily, Junhui nods quickly and gestures towards the living room as Joshua emerges from the same direction.  _

_ “Hey Minnie, you’re here early,” he smiles sweetly and Seokmin’s heart catches in his throat. Joshua looks as adorable as ever, clad in a peach-toned sweater and black skinny jeans, and the reality of the situation sets in. _

_ Seokmin has to say something. Now. But first- _

_ “You guys have fun!” Junhui cheers. “I gotta run to dance practice. Chan’s been complaining about the new floorwork and Soonyoung’s gonna burst a fuse.” _

_ “Jun, wait a sec-” Joshua suddenly interjects and turns to Seokmin. “Can I tell him?” _

_ “Tell me what?” Seokmin asks, confused. What was going on? _

_ Junhui slides on his jacket. “Yeah, of course. Of course.” _

_ He and Joshua exchange knowing smiles and Seokmin suddenly feels like he intruded on something intimate. _

_ “What’s going on? Did something bad happen?” Seokmin asks worriedly as Junhui disappears out the door. Joshua just keeps smiling and reaches behind him to pull the door in. _

_ “I have some...news.” Joshua grins dopily at him. _

_ “Bad news? You’re scaring me hyung.” Seokmin almost puts his hands on Joshua’s shoulders before remembering what he was holding- and still hiding. _

_ “No no no!” Joshua quickly shakes his head. “It’s good news! At least I hope you’ll think so too.” _

_ “Okay…” Seokmin says slowly. The room suddenly feels colder and a sinking feeling sets in his stomach. He hopes it’s just the winter air, though he can’t spot any open window from where he’s standing. _

_ Joshua takes a deep breath. “So this just happened yesterday and only some of our friends know already but I want to tell you too, obviously,” Joshua laughs nervously. Where was this going? _

_ “So you know how I’ve been spending more time with Jun lately?” _

_ “...No?” This was news to Seokmin. The sinking feeling dropped deeper. Had Joshua been hanging out with Junhui more these days? He hadn’t really noticed as their entire group of friends hung out in random pairs and groupings all the time. _

_ Joshua mumbles something incoherent under his breath. Seokmin leans in closer to him. “Sorry what was that, hyung?” _

_ “I’m dating Jun,” Joshua blurts out or at least that’s what Seokmin thinks he hears at first. Holy shit, Joshua really scared him! Seokmin leans in further. Joshua smells like orange blossom and vanilla. _

_ “Sorry, hyung. I can’t really hear you at all,” he hums. “Hansol got this new soundboard from Jihoon and he’s always playing on it super loudly at night and my eardrums-” _

_ “I’m dating Jun,” Joshua announces, his voice a bit louder. _

_ “...W-what?” Seokmin falters, almost stumbling backwards. Was this a nightmare? But...he was going to confess to his hyung. He had finally worked up the courage to so why was this happening?  _

_ “Yeah…” Joshua trails off, scratching the back of his neck. “Are you...upset?” _

_ “Why would I be upset?” Seokmin hates the crack in his own voice. “I’m...happy for you. And him,” he tacks on, swallowing hard. _

_ “I don’t know, maybe cause I didn’t mention that I even liked him? I think that’s why Jeonghan was acting weird about it too.” Joshua shrugs a little sadly and Seokmin feels like throwing up. This couldn’t get any worse. _

_ “Wait, what’s that behind your back?” Joshua makes a gentle swipe at Seokmin’s trembling hands and plucks the roses out of his grasp. _

_ “Hyung-” _

_ “Hm? Why do you have these?” Joshua looks at the bouquet curiously and Seokmin wants to scream. And then cry. Preferably both at once. _

_ “I’m, uh holding them for someone,” Seokmin lies quickly, harshly blinking away the tears that are already threatening to spill from his eyes. “Soonyoung! These are Soonyoung’s!” _

_ “Aww! Is he gonna give them to Jihoon?” Joshua grins widely. “How sweet! Jihoon might pretend he doesn’t think so but we all know…” Joshua winks at him like he didn’t just shatter Seokmin’s fragile little heart into a hundred trillion pieces. _

_ “Yup…” Seokmin grits his teeth. Ducking his head, he turns away before Joshua can see the tears pooling. “So, I should probably go-” _

_ “Wait, why?” Joshua places a hand on his shoulder. Seokmin bristles at the touch. “I thought we were going to the dog cafe.” _

_ “Actually I’m not feeling well.” Another lie. And on the day he was supposed to tell Joshua the truth about his feelings. _

_ “Oh no, really?” Joshua’s expression drops. “You should probably stay here then- I don’t think you should go all the way home when I can take care of you here.” _

Oh.  _ “It’s really fine-” _

_ “Please come inside,” Joshua pleaded softly. “We can just stay in and I’ll make you some food if you want.” _

_ “Okay.” Seokmin agrees quietly. Even though everything hurts so fucking badly and all he wants is to go home and curl up in his bed and cry what’s left of his heart out.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ When he gets back to his and Hansol’s apartment, the younger immediately shoots him a look of concern upon his arrival. Jihoon is sitting with him in his room, laptops out and a sonically rotten harmony blasting out the speakers. Seokmin is too dejected to ask why their latest creation sounds exactly like how he feels. _

_ Hansol clears his throat. He hits a button and the music comes to a stop.“You okay, hyung?” _

_ Seokmin doesn’t answer him for a moment, before he realizes something. “You knew, didn’t you?” _

_ Hansol stares at him blankly while Jihoon coughs into his sleeve and turns back to his work.  _

_ “About Shua-hyung and Jun-hyung. You were with Joshua last night before you went to Chan’s- he must have told you.” _

_ “Oh, yeah. He told me to keep it a secret. Did he tell you?” Hansol inquires innocently and Seokmin remembers that Hansol doesn’t even know about his feelings. _

_ “Yeah,” he falters, his voice strained and teary. Jihoon gives them a suspicious look. _

_ “What’s going on with them? Joshua and Junhui, I mean.” _

_ “You’ll find out soon enough, hyung,” Hansol tells him with a huge grin while Seokmin can’t even force a smile. _

_ “Hey, hyung?” Jihoon turns to him curiously as Seokmin pulls out the roses, the petals crumpled and already losing their colour. _

_ He hands them to Jihoon, who shoots him an incredulous look. “Why would-” _

_ “From Soonyoung,” Seokmin decides on the spot. “You know, he really does like you. And he wishes you could know just how much.” _


	8. Eight

The song slows to an end and Joshua stares, mouth agape. They all do.

“Full offense, Soon- don’t you think this dance is a little too...erotic for the summer showcase?” Wonwoo doesn’t even try to placate his friend.

A panting Junhui walks to the mirror to pick up his water bottle and chugs down the cold drink. “That’s exactly what I told him.”

“We’re gonna get disqualified,” Minghao adds from beside him.

“It’s not like it’s a competition,” Soonyoung argues, towel around his neck and blond hair sticking to his forehead.

“Then we’ll be banned from performing this year. And possibly the next,” Chan deadpans, throwing his hands in the air.

“You don’t know how this works, Chan- you don’t even go here yet! I  _ made _ you! I  _ invented _ you! I-”

“And here we have the culmination of Chan’s villain origin story,” Joshua whispers to Seokmin as Soonyoung continues to stomp around the practice room. The floorboards creak obnoxiously with every high-pitched shriek. Seokmin giggles and places his elbow on Joshua’s shoulder, leaning against the older. Joshua smiles.

Things between him and Seokmin have gone back to normal, or whatever the two of them could call normal. Ever since Seokmin confided in Joshua about his feelings for Mingyu, he had gone back to being touchy and clingy with him- maybe somewhat more than before.  _ It’s nice _ , Joshua thinks. He’s thought about how to help Seokmin out with this Mingyu issue but nothing has come to mind. Yet.

Seokmin sighs and moves his arm to sling it over Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua grins again and reaches up to interlock their hands. He doesn’t catch the way the younger swallows visibly at the action.

“Seok, you’re so clingy,” Joshua murmurs amusedly under his breath.

“Oh, um…” Seokmin stiffens and immediately moves his arm away. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll stop, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable-”

“No no, it’s fine,” Joshua reassures him quickly. “I’m not uncomfortable, don’t worry. It’s nice, I like it.”

A hint of redness creeps up Seokmin’s neck. “Oh, okay. Uh, good! I like you too- I mean  _ it.  _ I like  _ it  _ too!” he corrects himself hastily. 

Before either of them can say anything else, the door swings open and Jihoon enters, looking groggy and like he hasn't slept in weeks. 

“Morning Jihoonie, you look as beautiful as always!” Soonyoung cheers. Jihoon squints at him and shakes his head.

“Do you guys have your whole dance prepared? I want to see what you did with my track.”

“Of course, of course!” the dancer answers enthusiastically. “You know, I couldn’t help but notice you took some samples from that radio dude Woozi’s songs.”

“Uh huh.” Jihoon doesn’t look at him and instead focuses on tapping buttons on Junhui’s phone next to the speakers.

“Man, his tracks are always fire! Honestly-” Soonyoung pauses and dramatically clutches at his heart with his hand. “-I can’t help but feel a certain  _ connection _ with Woozi, you know? If only I knew who he was. And if he knew who I was. We’d be an unstoppable duo, Woozi and  _ me _ . Me and  _ Woozi _ ...”

Joshua stifles a laugh while the corner of Jihoon’s mouth curls up into a slight smirk. “Guess you’ll just have to settle with working with me instead, then.”

“Yes, exactly! I knew you’d come arou-”

“Just show me the dance, hoeass.”

“Okay okay okay. We’re ready.” Soonyoung regains his composure and Junhui, Minghao, and Chan move into their positions. Wonwoo presses play for the dancers before moving out of the way.

“I’m going to the vending machine,” the bespectacled man announces and Joshua feels a sudden dryness in his throat.

“I’ll go with you,” he decides. Turning back to Seokmin, he asks “Want anything?”

Seokmin shakes his head in response and Joshua shrugs before following Wonwoo out the door.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I’m sorry, hyung.” Hansol awkwardly squeaks out as he rubs Seokmin’s back comfortingly. The older of the two is curled up on Hansol’s bed, his body shaking with quiet sobs. Jihoon had already gone home to finish up his tracks (“Oooh hyung, you better call Soonyoung and thank him for the flowers!”). _

_ “I didn’t even know until now that you like Josh. Otherwise I would have mentioned it to you when he told me about Jun-hyung yesterday.” _

_ “I already said it’s not your fault,” Seokmin mumbles, teary words muffled by a pillow. “It’s mine. I should’ve tried to say something to him sooner.” _

_ Hansol shrugs. “I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, man. You like him, he likes Junhui. And didn’t tell anyone about it until he started dating him.” Hansol makes a face while Seokmin’s heart aches at the mention of what he already knew but could not digest. _

_ Joshua likes someone else. Someone that’s not him. _

_ “Soooo uhhh at least you didn’t ask him out  _ before _ he told you about Jun?” Hansol’s trying and Seokmin appreciates it, especially since he- _

_ Suddenly, he realizes something and sits up abruptly, almost knocking over his roommate with his broad frame. “Dude, I uh, heard about what happened with Hao. Are you okay? Oh man, I can’t just sit here and cry about  _ my _ problems when you-” _

_ “Hey, hey. It’s fine.” Hansol crosses his arms and sighs. He’s always had a difficult time dealing with and expressing his own emotions. “Boo told you? It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it.” Hansol stands up and readjusts his belt. “I did have a nice, good cry about it with Josh yesterday!” _

_ “That’s uh, good? Good for you?” _

_ “And then when I went to Chan’s, he let me destroy him at Smash on his Switch.” _

_ “Shua-hyung and I used to play that on  _ his _ Switch together,” Seokmin sniffles as he continues to sulk. Joshua must think he's terrible at the game but in reality, Seokmin sometimes loses on purpose because whenever Joshua wins, the older boy gloats by throwing his body over the younger's as he exclaims playful jabs. And when Seokmin wins, he can't help but drape himself over Joshua and tease him. _

_ Hansol sighs again and plops back down on the bed. “And you can still play with him, hyung! You can still be his friend like you’ve always been.” _

_ “Yeah. I know. And I will, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Ugh, they don’t have Coke Zero. How am I supposed to live like this?” Wonwoo grumbles and gives the machine a swift kick while Joshua starts rocking it back and forth when his change gets swallowed. The machine finally spits out his root beer and Joshua remembers something else.

“Say Won- how’s it going with Mingyu?” he inquires innocently as his friend bends down to pick up Joshua’s drink for him.

“Ow! Fuck!” Wonwoo accidentally bangs his head on the plastic protruding from the dispenser. “What is  _ that _ supposed to mean?” he inquires, a slight edge to his tone as he hands Johsua his root beer.

“Well, you like him right? You used to be all ‘Eww, Kim Mingyu’ and lately you’ve been more like ‘Ohh, Kim Mingyu’. And we all saw how you guys were all over each other the other day when we were smoking at Hansol’s.”

Wonwoo starts sputtering phrases of defense and Joshua laughs at him. “I mean I always thought he liked you a bit more than he liked the rest of us.”

He pauses there- wasn’t he betraying Seokmin by encouraging Wonwoo’s feelings? Seokmin was his dear friend and so was Wonwoo so maybe Joshua should just stop talking right this second and stay unbiased because he would hate it if he was directly responsible for Seokmin’s resulting sadness from his crush dating someone else. That would be awful, even if it wasn’t Joshua’s fault that Mingyu seemed to like Wonwoo a whole lot and Wonwoo so obviously felt the same way, despite his cranky response towards the meer idea.

“Josh, that is absolutely preposterous that you would even  _ suggest _ that I like Mingyu more than I should,” the bookworm exclaims, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “We’re like-like oil and water! Apples and oranges! Fries and a milkshake!”

“Ooh, I dip my fries in my milkshakes!” another voice cuts in, making Joshua and Wonwoo jump. Seokmin practically skips over to them and starts putting change into the coin slot of the vending machine.

Wonwoo greets him with a nonchalant “What up?” while Seokmin presses a button and a can of lemonade tumbles down the chute. 

“I did ask if you wanted something earlier,” Joshua remarks teasingly as Seokmin happily grabs his drink from the opening. 

“Yeah, but I only got thirsty now,” Seokmin smiles adoringly at him. “I’m also here ‘cause Jihoon is yelling at the dance team for their weird and inappropriate moves.”

“And by dance team you mean the choreographer,” Joshua grins back. In the distance, a loud crash followed by Jihoon’s frustrated yell resonates from the direction of the practice room. “Poor Soonyoung.”

Without thinking, Joshua turns to Wonwoo and says, “See? There’s only room for one guy in denial about his feelings here and that’s Jihoon.”

“What do you mean?” Seokmin asks him innocently and Joshua freezes.  _ Shit. _

Wonwoo laughs almost passive-aggressively and grabs Joshua’s drink from him. “Hey-”

“Well, Joshua-hyung thinks I like  _ Mingyu _ .” Wonwoo starts shaking the can violently. “Ha! Can you imagine that, Seokminnie? Having romantic feelings for Mingyu? Bleugh!” Wonwoo grits his teeth and Joshua winces at his grip on the can- and at Seokmin’s impending reaction.

But the younger man just giggles at Wonwoo’s actions. “Nope, Shua’s right! You likeee Gyuuu.” Seokmin sing-songs and Joshua frowns. Why was Seokmin being so cheerful about this?

“Shut. Up.” Wonwoo swats immaturely at Seokmin as the other continues to cackle at him. “And of course  _ you _ would agree with Josh,” he grumbles. “You always-”

“ _ So _ funny, hyung!” Seokmin just cuts him off by laughing even louder at his expense. “In fact, aren’t you going to the roller rink with Mingyu later? Someone has a date!”

Joshua is more confused than ever. “Wonwoo, maybe you should go back and check on the others. You know, to make sure Jihoon isn’t spitting out their bones,” he suggests gently.

“Sure, okay.” Wonwoo shrugs. He shoots Seokmin a mysterious smile and Joshua wonders if he wasn’t supposed to notice the way Wonwoo’s eyes dart back and forth between him and Seokmin.

Wonwoo calmly hands Joshua his root beer back and exits, leaving him with Seokmin, who looks down at his lemonade.

Joshua nudges his shoulder. “Why’d you do that?” 

“Do what?” Seokmin questions, eyes wide. 

“I thought you liked Mingyu,” Joshua lowers his voice. “But you were basically encouraging Wonwoo to make a move on him.”

“Oh, uh...” A startled expression crosses Seokmin’s face. “I just- I know Wonwoo likes him. Too, I mean,” he adds hastily. “I like Mingyu but Wonwoo also likes Mingyu, you know?”

“Yeah, but-”

“And to be honest-” Seokmin’s face drops just a little. “I feel like Mingyu likes him too. Instead of me, that is. So I was thinking I should just try to help them get together instead of being sad about it.”

“Oh okay…” Joshua responds slowly. “That’s very selfless of you, Minnie. They’re very lucky to have a friend like you.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Seokmin beams, but Joshua can tell something is off. Surely, even if Seokmin wants to help Mingyu and Wonwoo sort out their own issues, wouldn’t he be at least a little more upset instead of jumping up and down at the idea of them going out on a date?

Seokmin takes a sip of his lemonade, a thoughtful look on his face. Joshua studies him, a little guiltily. Maybe he was being cynical and Seokmin really was just trying to help his friends. Joshua had always known him to be a selfless and caring person so perhaps there wasn’t any other funny business going on here.

“Are you doing anything later?” Seokmin suddenly blurts out, touching at his hair with an uncertain expression. “I was thinking maybe we could, ah. Do something together. Maybe?” 

“So you wouldn’t rather go fight for Mingyu at the roller rink?” Joshua teases. He’s only half-joking.

Seokmin shakes his head wildly. “Nah, I uh- even on the off-chance that Mingyu doesn’t like Wonwoo-hyung, I’d rather not win him over this way, you know?”

“Right, right. So you’d rather spend time with me, then?” the older of the two laughs nervously. Why is he even nervous about this?

Seokmin looks down at the tiled floor, shuffling his feet shyly. “You could say that.”

  
“Oh, well yeah, sure. I’d love to spend time with you,” Joshua says sincerely and Seokmin’s face lights up. Just for a second, Joshua wonders if Seokmin might have even the tiniest of a crush on  _ him _ instead. He shakes off the thought, quickly pushing it away before he can dwell on why the idea of Seokmin having feelings for him makes a warm, unfamiliar feeling bloom in his chest.


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> corrected some grammatical mistakes in previous chapters and edited some details for clarity

Seokmin closes the door behind him, humming to himself with a goofy grin on his face. It was not a particularly sunny afternoon but the sky was clear and Joshua was going to hang out with him later. And they’d be hanging out alone too, for the first time in a long while (Seokmin acknowledges that that’s fully on him for avoiding Joshua in the first place but it’s fine now- _they’re_ fine now). Joshua had to help Jeonghan sort out something in their apartment first but he confirmed that he was free in the evening. Until then, Seokmin was looking forward to taking a nice, long nap before meeting up with him.

“Hey hey hey.” Hansol nods at him from their tiny little living room (“More like the _dying_ room” Jihoon would guffaw whenever he came over; ever since Hansol had tipped over his ant farm last year, the state of cleanliness in their home had never been the same, despite the exterminator’s best efforts). Before Seokmin can greet him back, he’s interrupted by a shuffling sound from behind him and a slightly muffled “Watch out, hyung”.

Seokmin turns around only to be faced with a giant stack of boxes hiding the person holding them with shaking hands. He peers to the left of the stack to see who it is.

“Seungkwan?” 

“Yes hi, it’s me.” Seungkwan beckons to the boxes impatiently. “Can you please give me a hand here?”

“Yeah, of course.” Seokmin takes the top box off of the pile. “What are all these for?”

“Didn’t Hansol tell you?” Seungkwan pushes the rest of the boxes into his boyfriend’s arms. Hansol stumbles back at the heavy weight, a guilty look on his face and Seokmin looks at him suspiciously before setting the box down.

“Tell me what?” 

“I’m moving in,” Seungkwan declares.

“He’s moving in,” Hansol affirms.

Seokmin almost chokes on his own saliva. “What? Here? Now?” 

Seungkwan shrugs. “Well, the boxes are here now, aren’t they? And my luggage would be here too if _somebody_ didn’t forget it in the lobby and had to go back.”

“I said I was sorry!” Soonyoung appears in the doorway, panting and pulling up two large metal suitcases. A cackling Chan pushes past him, Jihoon not far behind. Both of them are empty-handed.

His friends assemble into the living room (“Oh look, it’s the dying room”) and Seokmin starts to feel a little light-headed. “Please don’t tell me you’re _all_ moving in.”

“Don’t worry. It’s just Boo.” Hansol pats his arm. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I seriously just forgot.”

“Also, it’s not really moving in-” Seungkwan sets down the boxes and glares at a panting Soonyoung. “Hurry up!- yeah so, anyway it’s more like a trial run.”

“What does that mean?” Seokmin asks, taking a seat on the couch. Chan joins him while Jihoon leans on the kitchen island and goes back to glaring at Soonyoung. The two of them begin to quarrel in the loudest whispers Seokmin has ever heard and he promptly tunes them out.

“Well, we’re gonna be moving in together at some point- we’ve talked about it happening in the next few months or so. And we’re gonna practice now for when that’ll eventually happen,” Hansol explains as Seungkwan moves into his waiting arms. Hansol starts stroking his hair and Seungkwan smiles with a satisfied expression.

Seokmin tries not to sputter at this. “I mean, how long have you two even been dating? Two months?”

“Three, actually. Officially, at least,” Hansol answers proudly. Seungkwan looks at him with mild surprise; Hansol wasn’t great with keeping track of dates. 

“Not to mention we’ve been friends since forever sooo I think moving in together is a milestone we’ll pass in the near future,” he adds. The image of Seungkwan and Hansol with grey hair and wrinkled skin swaying on a swing set together conjures itself up in Seokmin’s mind before he realizes something else.

“But how will you moving in be replicating that experience? I’m still here. Unless-” Seokmin stares at the couple in horror. “Are you guys kicking me out?”

“No no no, it’s not like that at all,” Seungkwan reassures him quickly. “I’ll just be an extra person living with you. And I’ll be staying in Hansol’s room, not yours. Plus, I’m small and compact, so it’s not like I’ll take up a whole bunch of room.”

_Yeah, but for what you lack in size you make up for in your presence_ Seokmin thinks to himself. He had shared a room with Seungkwan before, during a group vacation. The younger had completely taken over the lavatory with his toiletries to the point where Seokmin didn’t even recognize the bathroom by the end of the trip. 

“Okay…” he starts, unsure of how this was going to go. “Well, I’d help you settle in but I’m gonna go take a nap-”

“Hey Seokmin,” Jihoon approaches him, a pointed expression on his face. Seokmin lets out a sigh, not understanding why he of all people was being dragged into Jihoon and Soonyoung’s argument- since when did he become any sort of barometer for maturity? He just wants a sufficient amount of sleep before a night out with the object of his affections- was that really too much to ask for? 

“What is it, hyung?” he plasters a smile on his face. Soonyoung crosses his arms and pouts, his lower lip jutted out in a childish fashion and Jihoon shuts his eyes, visibly exasperated. He opens his mouth but Soonyoung cuts in first.

“Jihoon said I ruined his song with my choreography and I take great offense to that. I worked really hard on that dance and I feel that he thinks he can get away with berating my talent because he knows that I like him so he thinks I won’t stand up for myself and-”

“What the fuck, Soon?” Jihoon’s eyes flash with anger. “I’m not berating your talent! You have so much talent and I know that you can do better with it than some stupid sexy dance that’s honestly gonna get your team kicked off the roster for the showcase.”

“I told you!” Chan yells from the other side of the couch, squirming a little. 

Jihoon sighs. “And I didn’t say you _ruined_ my song; I just genuinely had a different...vision for what the dance would look like than you did.”

Soonyoung moves his hands to his hips. “Okay, you should’ve just said that in the first place, then.”

“You’re right,” the smaller man admits, to Seokmin’s shock. “I’m sorry that I acted in a manner that made you feel inadequate and that was not my intention. I do think that the dance would be improved with some adjustments but I understand that it isn’t my call to make.”

Soonyoung looks at him with a surprised expression. “...Thanks, Jihoon.” He pauses for a second, like he’s choosing his next words carefully. “But you should still know that I’m always gonna stand up for myself.”

“Yeah, I know that. Wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest,” Jihoon shoots him a half-smile. “I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of...however you perceive me-”

“I _like_ you,” Soonyoung says stubbornly.

Silence ripples through the room. Even Hansol and Seungkwan look up from unpacking with curious eyes. Chan continues to wiggle around the couch and Seokmin frowns.

“...Sure you do,” Jihoon responds after what feels like an eternity. Red-faced and silent, he pushes past Soonyoung to the door. “I think one of Seungkwan’s suitcases is still downstairs- I’ll go check.”

“Jihoon I-” Soonyoung tries to follow him but Seokmin lifts his leg, blocking the dancer’s path.

“Hyung, let him cool off. We all know he doesn’t handle this kind of thing well.” Wow. Maybe Seokmin had more mature thoughts to voice than he originally imagined. He gives Soonyoung a sad smile. “I don’t agree with the way he’s behaving either but I’m sure he’ll eventually be ready to have a discussion about your feelings for him.”

Soonyoung looks at him, frowning. “I just don’t understand why _he’s_ the one who’s not ready to talk about _my_ feelings. I like him, he probably doesn’t like me and I accepted that a long time ago,” Soonyoung’s voice cracks a little at the end of that sentence.

Seokmin thinks that _no_ , Soonyoung hasn’t accepted something that’s also probably not true. But this was all something his hyungs had to figure out and discuss on their own. At some point, anyway. He stands up, shaking his head. “Well, I wish you the best but my bed is calling to me and-” 

“Seokmin!” Mingyu wails, barging through the door with his long limbs flailing about. 

Resisting the urge to scream at the top of his lungs, Seokmin calmly turns around “What are _you_ doing here?” 

He hopes Mingyu hasn’t found out about his little fib to Joshua- that would be both embarrassing and difficult to explain and Mingyu would never let him live it down, even though it was not true.

“Can I borrow those super cool pants you have? The sleek black ones. You know the ones.” 

Seokmin doesn’t know the ones. Mingyu looks down at his feet. “I have... _plans_ later.”

“I know you do. At the roller rink with a special someone,” Seokmin states matter-of-factly, too exhausted to even begin teasing Mingyu like he teased Wonwoo earlier that day. 

“Just...come over here.” He stands up and leads Mingyu to his room. “Just go through my stuff, I don’t care anymore.”

He gestures weakly to the open closet and to the pile of clothes on the floor. Mingyu’s eyes light up. “Thanks, man. You’re the best! ”

“Go crazy.” Seokmin feels his eyelids falling and he flops onto his bed, curling up into a comfortable sleeping position. Mingyu starts tearing through his room but Seokmin manages to ignore him, pulling the blankets closer to himself as he descended into slumber. Soon, he would be meeting up with the boy of his dreams and he’d be far away from their friends who really needed to sort out their own problems, though Seokmin definitely had sympathy for what they were going through, and-

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“AHHHHH!” Chan’s screech echoes through the apartment. Seokmin pushes his pillow over his face and groans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still many questions to be answered :0 but all established and future plot lines, both major and minor, will be addressed and fleshed out further.


	10. Ten

In retrospect, Joshua isn’t really all that surprised but he’s definitely disappointed.

“What am I gonna do all by myself? It’ll get so lonely,” he whines to his two best friends, who bear identical expressions of a mixture of excitement and sympathy.

Seungcheol reaches out to touch the crook of his elbow. “I mean at least you don’t have to deal with Hannie’s horrendous cooking anymore?”

Jeonghan elbows his boyfriend in the ribs. “And now you do. All. The. Time.”

“And I’ll have a fantastic time doing it,” Seungcheol musters back but he’s biting back a smile. Joshua frowns a little. Ever since the couple had started dating around four years ago and after Seungcheol properly befriended Joshua, both of them had made sure that Joshua wouldn’t feel left out whenever the three of them hung out together. They do a good job- he’s never felt particularly excluded. So Joshua doesn’t understand the sticky, uneasy feeling of dread that’s crawling through his body right now. 

Or perhaps he’s just reluctant to confront the abrupt shifts and changes occurring in his life. In just over a month, Joshua had broken up with Junhui, navigated Seokmin’s unusual behaviour towards him (he’s still skeptical about the Mingyu situation), and just now received the startling news of Jeonghan moving out of their apartment.

“Josh? You good?” Seungcheol waves a hand over his face. Joshua blinks.

“Yeah. Everything’s cool.”

Right as he was about to change the subject, Jeonghan’s phone rings, blasting a piercing, off-putting melody Joshua always kind of hated.

“What do you want?” his best friend scrunches up his nose, before his eyebrows shoot up in an alarming fashion, his mouth forming an ‘o’ shape. “That’s...you’re kidding, right? Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“What’s going on?” Seungcheol pokes at him. Joshua hates that his first thought involves Jeonghan’s real estate agent and a sudden spike in housing prices.

“Fuck, okay- we’re on our way.” Jeonghan hangs up on the call and turns back to the other two. “That was Boo. They’re bringing Chan to the hospital.”

“What?” Seungcheol shrieks and Joshua gasps. “What happened?”

“Chan went into anaphylactic shock. There was an...incident.” Jeonghan explains shakily. “Something about Hansol’s ant farm that he got last year.”

“Is he gonna be okay?” Joshua questions in horror.

“I think so. Still, I think we should go see him. Right now.” Jeonghan chews worriedly on his bottom lip and Joshua and Seungcheol quickly agree.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Most of their friends have already arrived by the time the three eldest make it to the emergency room. Jeonghan immediately runs to Chan’s side, his indoor house sandals flapping loudly against the hospital tiles as he pushes past a yelping Soonyoung. Jeonghan begins weeping about his  _ baby  _ and  _ favourite son _ as their youngest friend watches calmly; Chan sits upright in the infirmary bed, donned in a blue hospital gown with multiple large beeping machines attached to and surrounding him.

Joshua scans the room. Seungkwan wears a grimace as he leans over a flustered Chan on the other side of the bed while Hansol stands beside him, a little farther away and with an undoubtedly guilty look on his face. Joshua casts a sympathetic look in the lyricist’s direction before his gaze falls on Seokmin, Mingyu, and Jihoon all hovering over the foot of the bed, with the tallest man wearing a somewhat familiar pair of black trousers. 

As Joshua struggles to remember where he’s seen Mingyu’s pants before, the emergency room doctors return and start waving them out of the room so that they can continue taking the appropriate medical procedures to treat Chan. A small smile plays at his lips as he watches Seungcheol having to physically pry Jeonghan off of Chan before Joshua follows the rest of their friends out the door. 

“So, I guess Chan’s allergic to ants,” Seokmin remarks to him when they reach the waiting room. “It was really scary. I didn’t even know anyone could even develop a reaction to ants.”

“Was it fire ants that Hansol bought?” Joshua frowns after Seokmin describes the way he and the others had witnessed Chan’s face puff up with hives breaking out all over his body in so much horrifically vivid detail Joshua nearly forgets that he himself wasn’t there to see it. “Or maybe harvester ants? I think I learned about this in one of my pharmacology classes.”

“ER people said harvester ants,” Mingyu answers, walking up to them. He stops beside Seokmin and Joshua instinctively searches for any sort of reaction from the latter, whether it be his pupils dilating or him turning his whole body to face Mingyu. But neither Seokmin’s expression nor his body language show any signs of having a crush. Huh.

What was also strange was how all their friends seem to know why Seokmin had been ignoring him yet Seokmin told him that his crush on Mingyu was a secret. Something about all this just didn’t add up. Joshua glances down at Mingyu’s pants again before it clicks.  _ He was wearing Seokmin’s pants. _

_ Ohhh.  _ Joshua smirks at Seokmin and makes a show of looking back and forth from his face to Mingyu’s- no,  _ Seokmin’s _ pants. The younger furrows his brows and he tilts his head to the side cutely before tugging at Joshua’s arm. “Hyung, why are you looking at me like that?”

Joshua doesn’t think he’s supposed to think that Seokmin’s whine is adorable but he does and it is. Mingyu starts going on a tirade on how much he doesn’t like hospital food and Joshua mouths the words  _ Talk later _ to Seokmin when Mingyu isn’t looking.

_ Okay!  _ Seokmin mouths back with a gigantic smile and an enthusiastic thumbs up and Joshua stifles a giggle. Looks like everything was working out better for Seokmin than he originally thought.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**_(11:04 PM)_ **

**_mister boo: oooooh so how did it gooooo_ **

**_tigersaredummythicc: yeah!_ **

**_tigersaredummythicc: did josh let you suck his dick_ **

**_(11:05 PM)_ **

**_tigersaredummythicc: oh hang on a sec junnie says he has tea!_ **

**_(11:07 PM)_ **

**_tigersaredummythicc: oh._ **

**_tigersaredummythicc: oh man im so sorry dude :(((_ **

_ “Big yikes.” Hansol pauses his aimless pacing around his room to look over Seokmin’s shoulder down at his phone. Seokmin turns off his device before Seungkwan can interrogate the group chat for the incredibly hot and scandalous tidbit of Joshua dati- Joshua dating Junh- Wow Seokmin can’t even say the sentence out loud in his head.  _

_ How pathetic of him. He’s so fucking pathetic. _

_ “We’re both pathetic,” Hansol retorts. Oh, Seokmin said that out loud. _

_ He sprawls out like a sea star on the other man’s bed while Hansol continues to pace. Soonyoung’s sad emoticon taunts him, a reminder of how many of his friends are going to offer sincere but somewhat distressing sympathies. Seokmin should have just kept his mouth shut about his crush like Hansol tried to. _

_ At least his roommate understood exactly how he was feeling.“You know, I don’t want to deal with anyone else’s pity right now.” _

_ “That’s chill. Hey actually-” Hansol leans against his closet door. “I have an idea,” he tells Seokmin. “But I have to ask Wonwoo-hyung for permission first.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hyung, I’m really fine! The doctors already gave me a new EpiPen for my epic new found allergy!” is the first thing Seokmin hears a sarcastic Chan drawl to Jeonghan as soon as the curtains open again and Jeonghan runs back to the youngest’s side. The second is multiple sudden and obnoxious slurping sounds and Seokmin is met with the sight of Soonyoung and Jihoon sharing a bright blue hospital slushy drink when he turns around. 

Seokmin doesn’t understand why the hospital sells slushies but the answer to that is probably still less complicated than the reason for the never-ending cycle of Soonyoung blatantly flirting with Jihoon only to be met with incredulity until Jihoon fumbled his way back into nonchalant interactions with him like nothing had happened.

Minghao arrives just then, bearing news of Junhui and Wonwoo on their way to the hospital after getting off their shifts from work. Seokmin catches Mingyu smoothing down his- or really, Seokmin’s- pants at the mention of Wonwoo. He can’t help but laugh a little.

“Too bad your date got postponed,” he whispers to him and Mingyu’s neck turns red.

“Yeah, but we all want to be here for Chan, right? Oh also, do you want your pants back?”

“Obviously, yeah. Although I think he might be a little overwhelmed by the attention now.” They look over at Chan trying to calm down Jeonghan, who is seemingly still frantic and in a panic about the situation. 

“And uh, it’s fine. Just return my pants later,” Seokmin reassures him before Mingyu can start readjusting his belt. He feels Joshua’s gaze on them and wonders if he should really pretend to flirt with Mingyu. Wait a minute- didn’t Joshua say he wanted to speak to him earlier? Seokmin beams as Joshua seems to recall this same fact when he strolls over to him and pulls him by the arm into the hallway.

Joshua shuts the door behind them and glances both ways- there’s nobody around them paying their conversation any mind- before turning to Seokmin with a knowing look in his eyes. “I see  _ somebody  _ is wearing Mingyu’s pants!” Joshua declares boldly before a confused look crosses his face. “Wait no- uh, I mean- Mingyu’s wearing your pants! Haha, oops.” Joshua covers his face with his hands sheepishly and  _ oh no _ , Seokmin might go into cardiac arrest right there and then because Joshua is so adorably dorky and cute and funny and a whole lot of other positive adjectives that Seokmin would need to take the whole night to list so maybe someone should just wheel up a stretcher for him right now in the hospital and-

“Wait, what? What about Mingyu wearing my pants?” he frowns a little. Unless Joshua thought- oh.  _ Oh _ .

“Did you guys...do something? Like...” his hyung trails off, his face the same shade of red as Mingyu’s was earlier.  _ Pretty hyung, such a pretty hyung  _ repeats the voice inside Seokmin’s head that is the one to shut down his brain whenever Joshua is around him, before the other voices shout a fervent chant of  _ Deny deny deny you didn’t fucking fuck Mingyu! _

“Well, no, we didn’t do...what you’re thinking” he starts. “But uh, those  _ are  _ my pants he’s wearing. So you could say things are happening! Yeah!” Seokmin half-yells in an effort to sound convincing.

_ Stop lying stop lying stop lying to him. _

“Ah, so he borrowed your pants?”

“Yeah!” At least that part wasn’t a lie.

“Okay. I suppose that’s progress,” Joshua shrugs. “But to be honest- well, we’ve all borrowed clothing from each other before. I’m pretty sure Seungcheol and Soonyoung are both wearing Wonwoo’s shirts right now.”

Seokmin knows that Joshua’s right. He really has not thought this plan through. Before he can conjure up another hasty defense, the door opens and Seungcheol pokes his head out and clears his throat. 

“The ER people want to administer more allergen tests for Chan. To like, see if there’s anything else he could be allergic to that he doesn’t know about.”

“Right, since he’s already here,” Joshua nods.

“And they don’t want all of us here at once. So uh, do you guys want to go get us takeout for dinner?” Seungcheol flashes a pleading grin at the two of them like it was more of a command than an inquiry.

“Uh, sure I guess-”

“Great, thanks! There’s a pretty dead mall across the street but I think the food court might be open so you guys could check there.”

“Okay-” 

“Awesome thanks again bye!” Seungcheol’s smile grows and he practically slams the door in their faces while Seokmin wonders if this is a setup.

Joshua stares at the closed door for a second before looking at Seokmin again. “Weren’t we gonna hang out anyway?” he smiles and Seokmin smiles back at him.

  
_ Idiot. Idiot in love!  _ screams the voice inside his head.


	11. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somehow the longest chapter yet. why do the chapters keep getting longer

Rows and rows of plastic palm trees decorate each side of their path as Joshua and Seokmin make their way across the long stretch of the mall to where the nearly vacant food court sits on the other end. The flaking carpeted floor mutes their footsteps the whole way through and Joshua can’t decide how he feels about the quiet scene. There’s something about dimly-lit and empty malls that never fails to evoke both a sense of calmness and a sense of dread.

“What did Cheol-hyung say everyone wanted to eat again?” Seokmin asks him when they arrive at the food court. The sudden and overwhelming aroma of microwaved food hits them. Without looking around the food court, Joshua can already pick out the presence of slightly dry burgers and tacos that always go cold five seconds after they’re served. There’s no one sitting down to eat, only a few bored cashiers working in the front of their respective stalls. 

“He didn’t. Just said to look around here, so I guess we can get whatever.” They stop in front of the cheapest fried chicken place out of the three fried chicken stalls. Joshua wonders why a rather inactive mall has three different fried chicken places while Seokmin squints at the menu, and the staff don’t even look up from their phones.

“I remember this one time when Boo and I came here and we had a competition to see who could finish off the most wings in half an hour,” Seokmin reminisces, a fond expression on his face. Joshua smiles with him, bumping Seokmin’s shoulders with his own.

“And? Who won?”

Seokmin laughs. “Seungkwan puked after nineteen and I was up to my twenty-second wing before Soonyoung arrived- ‘cause he was supposed to meet us here but he was late- and he sat down and finished the rest of mine. Or I could have gotten to twenty-nine.”

“Oh, wow.”

“The average person eats seven wings in one sitting, in case you were wondering.”

“Ah, that’s even more impressive, then. That you guys finished that many.”

“Thanks. So should we bring back wings for them, then?” Seokmin asks and Joshua suggests that they ask the group chat first to see if anyone was severely opposed to eating chicken tonight. Seokmin nods and whips out his phone. Joshua watches as he types away, scrunching his nose with a hilariously focussed look on his face. 

“Ah, you really are such a cute dongsaeng,” Joshua teases him, leaning in closer to rest his chin on Seokmin’s shoulder. He peeks up at the younger through his lashes and Seokmin meets his eyes only to fumble and almost drop his phone. Joshua can’t help but giggle a little as Seokmin stumbles backwards, unexpectedly flustered.

“ _ Hyung _ …”

“Sorry, Minnie, but you’re just so adorable when you get that serious look on your face.” he smiles sincerely and sweetly before pulling Seokmin back towards him. “Did anyone object in the group chat?” he hums, looking back down at the phone.

“Uh, n-no.They’re all okay with the chicken place.” Seokmin coughs before belligerently shoving his device back in his pocket. “Oh! Um, also- Jihoon specifically said that he wants us to get him the honey barbecue flavour.”

“Oh, yeah no problem. We can get all the flavours, honestly.” Joshua looks up at the menu. “I’ll go order, then.”

He walks up to the cashier and places the order before rejoining Seokmin, who has taken a seat close by. “Can you tell Jihoon that they ran out of the honey barbecue?”

“Oh wow, just the honey barbecue?” Seokmin laughs. Joshua nods and Seokmin starts tapping away at the group chat again. “Hyung’s lowkey gonna be having a bad day.”

“Why’s that?”

Seokmin grimaces. “He and Soonyoung got into a weird tiff earlier. Like, right before Chan broke into hives. Although- they  _ were _ talking earlier. But I don’t think Jihoon apologized.”

“Oh, why were they fighting? Was it ‘cause of Soonyoung’s odd dance we saw at their practice earlier?” Joshua asks him. Seokmin just lets out a sigh and leans back, producing an awkward squeaking sound as his chair scrapes across the floor.

“You know that thing Jihoon does where he’s bad at handling his own feelings so he just lives in disbelief that Soonyoung could really like him?” Seokmin mumbles, staring intently at the flower decor etched in the center of the wooden table.

And  _ yes _ , Joshua does know. This bizarre situation between their two friends has gone on for far too long and while it had seemed to be somewhat of a light-hearted joke at first, Joshua could tell that Soonyoung was growing tired of trying to brush off his hurt feelings. He raises his eyebrows in amusement at the other man. “You really just boiled the situation down to its bare essentials, huh? Jihoon’s been squirmy about this kind of stuff since high school but it’s never gotten this intense.”

“It’s just...I don’t know- weird? And I don’t like it. I do think Jihoon likes him too but he’s just really, well, mismanaging this,” Seokmin mutters, ducking his head and looking down at his hands. “I don’t get it ‘cause it really shouldn’t be so hard for him. At least the boy  _ he _ likes likes him back.”

Joshua leans over the table to pat his arm sympathetically. He knows that Seokmin almost certainly has Mingyu on the mind.  _ Poor guy _ . He hums in agreement with Seokmin’s statement. “You think we should interfere?”

“Maybe? I was wondering about that as well. What do you have in mind?”

“Um, I don’t know yet. Maybe we can figure something out after the summer showcase is over so they don’t implode right before they’re supposed to perform.”

“Right.” Seokmin shifts in his seat, moving the chair back into the table. “Hey, um. Speaking of which- why aren’t you performing too? In the university showcase, I mean.”

“Why would I do that?” Joshua shoots back, trying to sound more gentle than the words would suggest. 

The corners of Seokmin’s mouth drop into a frown. “Hyung, you have such a beautiful voice. I’ve heard you sing- we all have.”

“I mean, it’s nothing special. Not like yours,” Joshua tells him honestly. Seokmin has a voice that drips like honey, managing to be soft and sweet but powerful at the same time. Joshua loves his voice. He loves listening to Seokmin sing even when they’re just simply jamming together in Seungcheol’s old pickup truck, with the windows rolled down and everyone on the street facing no choice but to hear how loud they’re being. And Joshua is glad Seokmin signed up to perform in the showcase with their other friends. He himself could never do that and he’s not sure what Seokmin is telling him about his voice being beautiful.

But it’s Seokmin who sports an uncertain expression at the moment. “What are you talking about?” 

“I mean like- you could probably drop out of engineering and pursue a singing career if you wanted to. With your guitar and everything. The lead singer on lead guitar. Minnie, that could be you.”

“You mean that?” He doesn’t sound like he believes it.

“Well, yeah,” Joshua shrugs, like it’s obvious because to him- it is. “Surely this isn’t the first time you’ve been told this.”

Seokmin takes a deep breath, like he’s gathering his thoughts. “I guess it just means more somehow. Coming from Shua-hyung. And I really-”

Before Seokmin can finish his sentence, a familiar laugh suddenly echoes through the food court. Seokmin immediately whips his head around and Joshua shifts in his seat in an attempt to look past the other man to search for the source of the noise. His chair screeches loudly when he ends up having to stand up to see what’s happening.

And maybe it’s more like some kind of instinct at this point but Joshua freezes, halting in movement when he sees who is walking into the food court. Minghao spots them at their table- it’s not difficult, considering there’s no one else there. “Hey, look- there’s Seokmin and Joshua-hyung!” he elbows Junhui, who is walking beside him, still laughing. 

Joshua bites the inside of his mouth as the two of them walk over. They’re a perfect match and anyone can see it. It’s not just obvious in the way they look like two supermodels strutting down the runway, dressed in nearly identical monochrome fashions. It’s in the way they also look like two supermodels who would probably be fired if they really were walking on the runway right now with the way Junhui keeps giggling and nudging his phone under Minghao’s nose and the way Minghao continues to fully indulge in whatever ridiculous topic of conversation Junhui inserts. The relationship between the two is something everyone was aware just-  _ is _ . It’s just  _ right there _ and despite denial from both parties involved, Junhui and Minghao just  _ make sense _ .

And Joshua doesn’t mind this. He has closure from the breakup but it’s still...strange for him to watch them act the same way they always have. Further confirming what he had always believed.

“Hey, what are you two doing here?” Seokmin waves as they reach the table. Joshua sits down quietly and forces himself to look at their two friends. He doesn’t feel sick to his stomach or anything- he just feels  _ weird _ .

“When I got to the hospital, Chan said he was craving bubble tea, so we offered to go get some for everyone,” Junhui explains. “Hopefully we can get back before the doctors can start the rest of his tests.”

“Oh, nice thanks,” Seokmin nods and Joshua pantomimes him, not in the mood to speak.

Minghao beckons to the bubble tea store two stalls away from the chicken place. “If you guys want to tell us your order now that’d be great.”

“HaoHao,” Junhui trills and Joshua doesn’t even bat an eye at the pet name anymore. It was honestly one of the things that never should have mattered to him in the whole situation. “Do you have any cash? I think this place doesn’t take credit.”

“What would you do without me?” Minghao grumbles, reaching for his wallet gruffly, but the remnants of a smile on his face are unmistakable. A sudden  _ ding _ rings out from the front of the chicken place. They all turn to see the cashier half-hearted waving them over. 

“Oh, the food’s ready.” Seokmin stands up. Without pushing his chair in, he sprints over to the chicken place and grabs the plastic bags of takeout. Joshua follows him and tries to take one of the bags but Seokmin insists he can take all four (“I’ve been working out, hyung!”) and Joshua eventually relents (he’s never seen Seokmin at the gym, though).

Junhui gives them a rather cheesy thumbs up and Joshua thinks it’s actually kind of hilarious. “We’ll see you guys back there, then?”

“Yeah!” Seokmin practically shouts. “By the way, can I get a large green milk tea with pearls? Uh, full sugar and no ice.” 

“Sure thing. Josh?”

“I’ll get the same.” Joshua mumbles. “But cut the sugar in half. Okay, goodbye!” He starts pushing Seokmin and the chicken out of the food court, not caring how he could have come off to the two Chinese men just now. 

An unsettling tension fills the air between them as Joshua and Seokmin walk out of the food court back into the mall’s main wing. Seokmin seems to catch on to how uncomfortable Joshua was just then and the only sound surrounding them is the crinkling from Seokmin fiddling with the plastic bags of food. Suddenly, he stops in his steps when they reach the fountain.

“Why’d you guys break up?” he blurts out. Joshua looks down at the surprisingly crystal clear water inside the fountain, the weak facets still in operation. “I just realized that I never asked you this.”

He’s right. Joshua has barely talked about the breakup with anybody other than maybe Jeonghan. Joshua automatically assumed that bits and pieces of the true story got out to all their friends. Maybe not, then. 

Joshua bites his bottom lip as Seokmin looks at him curiously.“You know in those movies when there’s this- how do I put it, uh...maybe not an antagonist per say but the person who gets in the way of the main couple’s love story?” he starts. Seokmin nods slowly.

“Ah, so did you- did you feel like Minghao was that guy or-”

“No!” Joshua practically shouts. The word echoes through the building, hitting the plaster of the tearing wall and bouncing back just as quickly. Seokmin nods again, unfazed. Joshua looks into his eyes and the other man chews on his lip.

“It was more like...I felt like  _ I  _ was that guy,” he explains. “Like I was getting in the way of their story. I even knew going into the relationship that everyone thought they belonged together- that everyone  _ knew  _ they did and still  _ do _ and I was stupid enough to believe that any of that would change once I started dating Jun.”

“Oh, hyung...” Joshua shakes his head at Seokmin’s forlorn words. Though there’s something else different from pity in his expression and Joshua can’t quite put his finger on what it is.

“I’m okay. It’s nobody’s fault, like I said,” he repeats. Seokmin nods slowly. 

The tense silence returns, falling over them once more before Seokmin opens his mouth again. 

“If you don’t mind answering another question-”

“Go ahead.” Joshua doesn’t look at him, gaze glued to the ugly plastic flamingo props in the abandoned displays next to the fountain.

From his peripheral vision, he notices Seokmin scratching the back of his neck anxiously. “You see, uh- Jeonghannie-hyung told me a while ago about how you’ve rejected basically everyone who confessed to you.”

“I suppose that’s not wrong-”

“So I, uh- why not maybe give them a chance? Well, like- not right now but were they really so bad that you...made a personal choice not to consider going out with them?”

Joshua doesn’t catch the falter in his tone. “It’s more like-”

“If that’s the case that’s obviously valid and fair!” Seokmin swallows hard. “I know they aren’t- I mean  _ weren’t _ \- entitled to anything. I just want to know.” 

“It’s no big deal.” Joshua finally turns to look at him. “And- I don’t know. I just wasn’t interested in them. And the timing wasn’t great at the time, either.  _ And _ I felt a little put on a pedestal by them too, you know what I mean?”

“Oh right, yeah- Jeonghan mentioned that part,” Seokmin affirms with another nod. Joshua shrugs.

“Yeah, but I uh, asked out Jun because I actually liked him plus the timing wasn’t awful.” And he knows it’s the truth. He doesn’t particularly want to dwell on it for too long. 

Yet the words keep tumbling out like a waterfall. A sad, angry waterfall. “He said he didn’t want to break up and that’s part of why I don’t think he meant to do this but...I didn’t feel like a priority in the relationship. I like to think we’re all mature enough not to end up picking a fight where he’d have to pick sides but I know- Seokmin, I just  _ know _ Jun would have picked Minghao over me every single time.”

“Joshua,” Seokmin says, voice only a little louder than a whisper. “Do you-”

“Before you ask, yeah I’m definitely over him. Trust me, I mean that, as defensive as I know I’m sounding right now. I just wish that-”

He pauses, realizing how stoic he must be looking, barely moving a muscle at that. “-That for once, I’d be somebody’s first priority.”

Seokmin watches him, mouth tightly scrunched in a flat line like there’s something else he wants to say while Joshua continues.

“And no, this doesn’t have to do with Jeonghan moving out,” he reassures, more to himself than to Seokmin. 

“He’s what?”

“Jeonghan’s moving out. Ha, I don’t know why I brought that up now but anyways!” Joshua hears his own voice raise an octave. “I wish I was someone’s first choice.”

A sad but understanding smile graces Seokmin’s face. “I get it. I-I want that for you too, hyung. You deserve someone who will make you their first priority.”

  
( _ Someone like me _ \- the words hang in the air, unspoken.)


	12. Twelve

“Woohoo! Food’s here!” Soonyoung cheers the second Seokmin pushes open the door to Chan’s room in the ER wing with Joshua trailing behind him. Soonyoung’s grabby fingers inch closer to the plastic bags Seokmin holds. “Chicken is the bee’s _ knees _ . The tiger’s  _ meow _ . The-”

“Please stop.” Seungkwan criticizes with an eye roll. “Chan’s in enough pain already.”

A few of their friends laugh politely and Joshua takes the bags from Seokmin to set them down on the table at the front of Chan’s hospital bed. Seokmin watches him unpack the chicken quietly amidst the chaos ensuing in the rest of the room as their friends flock to the food like moths to a light. Except for Soonyoung and Seungkwan, who flit dauntingly to either side of Seokmin. 

“Mwah!” Seungkwan kisses the air exaggeratedly. “Oh Joshua-hyung I just wuv you sooo much! Mwah!”

“ _ Stop it _ .” Seokmin whines, shoving his hand over the younger man’s babbling lips as he looks around the room in fear that he distracted the others. “Shut up, I don’t even sound like that.”

Soonyoung makes a faux-swooning motion with his hands. “Oh Joshua, I’d throw myself in front of a moving car if you asked!”

“I’d do that for fun and you know it.”

Everyone scarfs down the wings like they haven’t eaten in weeks. Even Jihoon, who did not receive his ideal order of honey barbeque wings, shoves chicken in his mouth in a more barbaric fashion any of them could have predicted. Junhui and Minghao return with the bubble tea and it’s another forty minutes before the doctors come back to continue Chan’s tests. They let Chan know that he’s being brought to another room and express for “his noisy friends to please evacuate the premises” and “for good this time”. Chan promises to let them know the results of his tests and the rest of the gang leave, with the exception of Jeonghan and Seungcheol since they would be Chan’s ride home (“Isn’t this wonderful Channie? Now we can spend more time together!”).

Seokmin falls in step with Mingyu as they push open the doors to exit the hospital. Mingyu studies his face with an unusual expression, like he’s trying to decide on something.

“What?” Seokmin looks at him suspiciously as Mingyu turns his head slightly like he’s checking on something behind him before he starts laughing nervously.

It’s more than a little bit startling. “Wow Seokmin, I really like your pants today!” 

“I- Thanks? I know that- you asked to borrow them and you’re wearing them right now?” Seokmin raises an eyebrow and Mingyu grits his teeth.

“Ah, I actually meant the pants  _ you _ are wearing right now! I just-” Mingyu turns around again and Seokmin tries to follow his line of sight but it’s too dark out. “I just like the way they fit your thickass thighs, you know? It’s so  _ hot!” _

He’s practically shouting, the words an incoherent jumble getting muffled by Seungkwan in front of them loudly rambling about the time  _ he  _ had an allergic reaction. And this would all be amusing if Mingyu wasn’t confusing Seokmin right now. “Dude, why are you talking like that?”

“You’re so funny! Hahaha!” Mingyu chortles fakely and hooks his arm through Seokmin’s while the older of the two frowns.  _ What was going on now?  _ Seokmin looks around frantically, like anyone else could give him answers to Mingyu’s sudden and strange behaviour. He catches Joshua’s eye when he turns back to the front, his hyung looking back at him with a frown too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Seokmin glances around the pier nervously. There’s a noisy buzz surrounding them as people of all ages are ready to board the ship with their expensive luggage in tow. From beside him, Hansol adjusts his neon green beanie, an similarly anxious expression on his face.  _

_ “Okay, I don’t know about this. Like now that we’re actually here, I feel like we’re gonna get caught.” _

_ “Pftt, it’ll be fine!” Wonwoo scoffs. He grabs his two large travel bags by their handles and turns towards the front gate. “No one will be able to tell if we just live the lie like it’s the truth.”  _

_ Seokmin and Hansol look at each other worriedly before picking up their own bags and following a stomping Wonwoo. “So, do we just sneak on?” Hansol blurts out and Wonwoo whips his head around to shush him, almost knocking over the younger’s luggage. _

_ “That’s what I said, right?” He turns back to face the ship. Seokmin looks up at it too, taking in the grand sight of the luxurious vessel. When Hansol had explained to him how Wonwoo had gambled away a measly twenty dollars in exchange for tickets to what the bookworm had described as a “party boat” (Seokmin isn’t quite sure Wonwoo knows what that means), he thought it was too good to be true. _

_ And it was. “They’re gonna be able to tell the tickets are fake.” Hansol stares paranoidly at the receptionists standing at the gate. “Hyung, what if we get arrested?” _

_ “Do you worry about getting arrested when we smoke a metre away from the ‘No Smoking’ area on the ground floor of your guys’ building?” Wonwoo snipes at him. “Just chill, man- haven’t you always been like, I don’t know- the chillest out of all of us?” _

_ “Hey, I have more than one personality trait-” _

_ “Yeah, Hansol likes light drugs, messy snacks, and pounding on that new soundboard Jihoon gave him at three in the fucking morning.” _

_ “And as of lately, feeling sorry for myself,” Hansol adds self-deprecatingly. _

_ Wonwoo swings each of his bags at each of them lightly. “And that’s why I made the incredibly gracious decision to let the two of you be the ones to come with me. You guys can lighten up and stop being all sad about those stupid boys!” _

_ “Those stupid boys happen to be our friends. Yours too,” Seokmin remarks and Wonwoo rolls his eyes. _

_ “And you guys better make sure they- and everyone else- never find out where we’re gonna be for the next few days. I don’t want to get lectured by Jeonghan or Jihoon or any of the others about ‘behaving irresponsibly’ or ‘missing school’.” _

_ The crowd around them starts to move into a line up for boarding the cruise and Seokmin nudges his friends. Wonwoo puffs his chest out as much as someone carrying two heavy-looking bags can and walks to the middle of the line, budging in front of several groups of seniors. _

_ Seokmin and Hansol can only watch his sudden display of overconfidence.“Do  _ you _ know what his damage is?” Hansol questions and Seokmin shrugs. This is all very strange and reckless and kind of illegal too but honestly he really does need a distraction from being hung up on Joshua. Exhaling loudly, Seokmin follows in Wonwoo’s footsteps, beckoning for Hansol to catch up. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You sure you guys don’t want a ride back?” Minghao looks at Seungkwan and Hansol, who swing their intertwined hands between them loosely as they stand in front of Minghao’s dented old sedan. Hansol shrugs. One of the lights in the parking lot starts to flicker on and off.

“Yeah, we’re okay. We’ll walk,” Seungkwan confirms and Minghao nods and opens the passenger door for Seokmin. Mingyu jumps into the backseat in an almost aggressive manner while Jihoon waves the other four in the direction of his own van; just hours earlier, that van had been the site of havoc as the friends threw a yelling and puffy Chan into the backseat and hurriedly sped to the hospital.

“Bye guys, get home safe!” Joshua waves at them with a smile before running after the others. Seokmin waves back at him, his arm shaking a little too wildly and he can feel Minghao rolling his eyes beside him before the other boy shoves Seokmin into the passenger seat. Minghao walks around to the driver’s seat to step inside the car and start the engine.

“To Gyu’s place first?” he asks and the taller man nods. The three of them ride in silence until Mingyu rolls down the window and sticks his head outside.

“You really are like a dog,” Seokmin turns around to tell him bitingly. “Also, why were you acting so weird earlier?”

“What?” Mingyu shouts over the sound of the wind blowing through the open window. “Oh, you mean when I was fake-flirting with you?”

He winks exaggeratedly and Seokmin sucks in his mouth, slightly nauseated. “Yeah, that’s actually exactly what I meant.”

“Ew, what?” Minghao doesn’t take his eyes off of the road but his own disgust is obvious.

Mingyu laughs. “Relax- it’s all part of my master plan!”

“What do you mean?” Seokmin frowns again, leaning closer to the back seat to hear his friend better. “I- do I even want to know?”

Mingyu turns back to the window and glances outside dramatically. “I’m mad at somebody and I want revenge!” He pauses, like he’s waiting for loud thunder to rumble outside. Maybe accompanied by a strike of lightning. “You’ll  _ never _ guess who was being all hot and cold with me earlier.”

“Wonwoo-hyung.”

“Wonwoo-hyung.”

“It was Wonwoo-hyung!” Mingyu cries. “So you guys know how I was supposed to go out with him tonight? I even borrowed Seokmin’s nice pants.” Mingyu smooths down the front of the pants again.

“Uh huh.”

“Seokmin, you were away for this but when he got to the hospital, I tried being all cool, you know? I wanted to reschedule with him and everything but he just looked at me with this- this icy stare?”

Seokmin squirms in his seat, readjusting his seatbelt. “So what does this have to do with me?”

“I’m glad you asked!”

“I’m not,” Minghao remarks from the driver’s seat. Seokmin and Mingyu ignore him.

Mingyu sticks his tongue out at Minghao, who can’t even see his immature gesture. ”So Wonu-hyung got all grumpy and just kind of walked away from me? I kept trying to talk to him afterwards but he was all dismissive. I don’t get it and now I’m mad and also sad but mostly mad.”

“I’m um, sorry to hear that. But why were you flirting- I mean  _ fake-flirting _ \- with me?”

“Because I want to make him mad!” Mingyu flails his arms around, one almost out the window and the other taking up the entirety of the backseat space. “He can’t get away with this, playing with my feelings and everything. We even kissed and everything, a few weeks ago. I don’t know, maybe he really was just getting too into Truth or Dare.”

He sinks into the cushion of his seat, visibly sulky and genuinely hurt. Seokmin feels for his friend. Wonwoo had always been defensive about his personal relationship with Mingyu but maybe his apprehension had been overshadowed by Jihoon’s outspoken annoyance for Soonyoung this whole time.

“Anyway,” Mingyu springs back forward and clutches at the headrest of Seokmin’s seat at the front. “I was thinking maybe you could just like...help me make him jealous? At least for the next little while.”

“What?” Seokmin shrieks and Minghao almost slams on the brakes in shock. “I am not going to pretend to date you, Gyu. Absolutely not.”

“Yeah, what the fuck?”

“I don’t mean pretend to date me! I just mean like- flirt back with me. Pretend to- just enough that it gets his attention.”

“No! What will everyone else think? They’re gonna be suspicious right away and-” Seokmin remembers something.  _ Oh right.  _ "Wait," he starts.

“What is it?” Mingyu asks, shaking his shoulder.

“I-” Seokmin starts, choosing his next words carefully. “So, funny story! But uh, Joshua-hyung thinks I like you.”

“What do you mean?” Mingyu frowns and Seokmin begins to describe how Joshua had asked why he had been avoiding him and how he freaked out and concocted a far too complex lie on the spot about liking Mingyu. Minghao slowly lets out a long, deep sigh while Mingyu’s eyes widen as Seokmin fumbles through his explanation.

“I-  _ huh? _ Okay…” Mingyu scratches his head in confusion. “So what’s the problem then? Wait- yeah, isn’t this a good thing then? If you help me make Wonwoo jealous, you’ll also rile Joshua-hyung up since he already thinks you like me. It’s a win-win for both of us!” 

“But I don’t want to rile him up,” Seokmin whimpers. “I just want him to like me back.”

“Well, he never will if he thinks you like Mingyu!” Minghao practically yells. “Wow, I have zero idea why you thought telling Josh such a weird lie was a good idea.”

“I told you that I panicked!” Seokmin protests. Minghao sighs again.

“So were you just planning to play up the ‘I have a hopeless crush on Mingyu’ angle until you got tired of it? Or until Joshua thinks ‘Wow, better develop a crush on a friend of mine who literally told me he likes another friend of mine!’ Because-”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” Seokmin shakes his head. “I just know I have to pretend a little bit longer just so he doesn’t think I’ve been lying to him. Especially ‘cause he was really upset about why I was being distant and I don’t want him to think he  _ still _ doesn’t know the real reason after all this time. Maybe...maybe I can just pretend I lost interest in Mingyu after a while. Do you think he’d buy that?”

“I don’t know, honestly. But Seokmin, will you help me?” Mingyu cuts in. “If anything, we don’t have to push it in Joshua-hyung’s face if you’re not comfortable with that. We don’t need to pretend to flirt in front of him- well, again he already thinks you like me anyway- but I’d like it if you could just pretend in front of Wonu-hyung.”

Seokmin considers his points. On one hand this could go really badly. On the other hand, maybe Seokmin should just help Mingyu anyway. Mingyu had always been a good friend to him. Curse Seokmin’s natural desire to prioritize pleasing his friends over what was best for himself!

“Seokmin, no. Don’t do it,” Minghao warns from the driver’s seat. “Please. Don’t enable him.”

Seokmin thinks about it some more. “Are you sure Wonu will buy it? He knows who I really like so he might not be convinced and he’ll just think it’s us being idiots.”

“That’s literally what it is.” Minghao deadpans while Mingyu’s face lights up.  _ Uh oh _ .

“Ah I knew you’d ask me that!” he declares. “ _ If _ he asks you why you’re flirting with me, then that must mean he’s admitting that he  _ does  _ like me! See, I’m a genius who came up with a genius plan!”

“You’re a dumbass who came up with a dumbass plan.”

Minghao stops at the red light as they reach an intersection in the road and just like that, Seokmin makes a decision. “Okay I’ll do it. But let’s really try to limit our pretending to only be in front of Wonwoo-hyung. I’d rather deal with Josh on my own.”

“Yeah!” Mingyu cheers, pumping his fist once. The light turns green and Minghao lets out a gargled noise of exasperation before he continues to drive.

“Seriously, Seokmin?”

“Ignore him.” Mingyu rolls the window back up. “Thank you, thank you. And don’t worry, it’s not like we’ll have to pretend forever. Like you said, you can just pretend you stopped liking me at some point eventually. Honestly, I think this might be kind of fun.”

“It’ll be  _ funny _ !” Minghao replies sarcastically. “Playing with the feelings of someone who’s playing with your feelings is always just  _ hilarious _ !”

“Exactly!” His tone flies over Mingyu’s head. “You should have seen him earlier, Hao. He looked so annoyed at me and then I got sad but now I’m mad so I want him to be mad too!”

“That’s super mature.” Minghao gestures to the road opening on Seokmin’s side as they approach Mingyu’s housing complex. “Can I turn here? I forgot.”

Mingyu nods and points to the entrance nearby, indicating where he wanted to be dropped off. “Like you have room to talk, Hao. You’re not exactly a pillar of maturity when it comes to your own relationship issues.”

Despite the darkness all around them, Seokmin can tell that Minghao is scowling. “Oh please. I’m great at handling these types of situations. Remember what happened with Hansol? I turned him down politely, he got over it and now he’s dating and apparently moving in with Seungkwan?”

“Seungkwan  _ and  _ me. Somehow.” Seokmin interrupts.

“Right. Yeah, he and I are still friends and it’s not even weird or awkward between us anymore. Seriously guys, it’s literally that easy.”

Mingyu just snickers quietly. “I wasn’t talking about Hansol.” 

“Oh look, we’re here!” Minghao exclaims more loudly than he needed to and he parks the car. The backdoor unlocks with a  _ click _ . “Goodnight, Gyu. Don’t hurt yourself overthinking to sleep.”

Mingyu grunts in protest before muttering an irritated “Thanks for the ride” and hops off the car. Seokmin waves goodbye to him and Minghao starts to punch the directions to Seokmin’s apartment into his GPS. They drive off again, with Minghao still looking disappointed. 

A few minutes later, Seokmin hears a small “Hey” from beside him.

“Hm?”

“Just...be careful with this whole thing. I know you’re pretty delicate.”

Seokmin sighs. Minghao isn’t completely wrong. In fact, Minghao is probably going to end up being correct about everything he expressed frustration about tonight. And maybe Seokmin’s big heart would get him in trouble but-

“I’ll be fine.”

“But what’s gonna be your plan now, Seokmin?” They stop at another intersection and Minghao looks at him warily. “Because if you go along with Mingyu’s terrible plan just because you’re afraid of rejection you’ll just dig yourself into a deeper hole and Joshua will never realize how you feel. Are you just gonna keep hoping he picks up the hints that you’re down to fuck until he wakes up one day and decides he’s attracted to you?”

“Okay, can you please not phrase it like that?” 

It comes out more angrily than he intended. “Like what?”

“Like that I just want to fuck him. Nothing wrong with wanting to just hook up with someone as long as it’s consensual and everyone’s on the same page but that isn’t what this is at all.”

“Oh, okay that’s fair. Sorry-”

“Like, sometimes I do think about being... _ close _ to him.” Seokmin feels his face burn up and tries to shake off the image of Joshua hovering over him with that shy smile on his face. He shuts his eyes tightly. “But I’m aware that I’m not entitled to his body or his feelings or really anything at all. It’s just- I’m allowed to just  _ like _ him, aren’t I? Can’t I just want to sing with him and build a blanket fort with him and take him on long walks on the beach? Except I know he gets sneezy around sand so maybe they would just be short walks on the beach-”

“Seokmin-”

“Like, yes I would _love_ to play Lady and the Tramp with him with a plate of spaghetti and meatballs if I could but aren’t I allowed to just _wish_? Because I wish I could just hold his hand and kiss him goodnight and make him feel like an actual priority for somebody because apparently that’s such a _difficult_ thing to do.”

The corners of Minghao’s mouth drop. “And that’s okay. That’s  _ all _ okay. But I’m begging you- stop being a coward and just tell him how you feel instead of going along with Mingyu’s shitty plan that’s gonna fall apart real fast.”

“It’s not like I haven’t tried to confess-”

“I know, Seokmin. I know.”

“Jun’s my friend too and I can understand why Joshua liked him. And I’m sure you can too.”

“Do you want me to kick you out of this car? ‘Cause I will.”

Seokmin makes a face at him and Minghao doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride. His friend’s words stick to him and all Seokmin knows is that Mingyu won’t be the only one overthinking things tonight.


	13. Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also hbd coups. king

“Guess who’s allergic to nickel and cobalt!” is the first thing Seokmin hears when he and Mingyu approach their friends at Lane 8 at the bowling alley. It’s the same bowling alley Mingyu used to work at and Seokmin can’t help but let out a snort at his friend’s displeasure at returning to his old job site.

“I mean, you don’t  _ have  _ to come tonight,” Seokmin had pointed out to him a few hours ago over the phone. “Like half our friend group isn’t coming.”

“No no no, I’m definitely coming,” Mingyu had insisted. “Because you know who’s gonna be there?”

“Wonwoo?” Seokmin answered in the same tone he’d use if Mingyu had just asked him if the sky was blue.

“Exactly! This is a prime-time opportunity to get under his skin.” A devious gleam shone in Mingyu’s eyes. “So we have to show up together.”

Seokmin agreed, even though he knew Wonwoo (and everyone else for that matter) wouldn’t bat an eye at him and Mingyu arriving to an event together; they’d been close friends for nearly six years. Yet he and Mingyu still made sure to take the same bus to the bowling alley. Chan waves at them when they spot their friends sitting at the same lane Minghao (who wasn’t even coming tonight) always bowled at. Seokmin listens to his youngest friend go on and on about his metal allergies as Jeonghan, Seungcheol, Junhui, and Hansol take turns bowling in their game (“We really should have reserved two lanes instead of one”).

Jeonghan bowls a strike and everyone claps half-heartedly in quiet envy. Except Seungcheol, who smiles enthusiastically in genuine support like he always does. Jeonghan struts confidently back to the sitting area directly behind the lane and switches seats with Junhui, who walks up to bowl next. “That just might be the ugliest t-shirt I’ve ever seen.” Jeonghan observes, turning his nose up at Seokmin as sinks into the seat across from him.

“Hey!” Seokmin frowns, looking down at his shirt self-consciously. “I think it’s cute.” He’s wearing a graphic tee with a cartoon bowling pin on the front. “See, it’s happy!” Seokmin points intently to the smiling print.

“Well, it’s also hideous. I don’t like it.” Jeonghan insists and before Seokmin can continue to protest, Wonwoo strolls in, looking indifferent. Mingyu, who’s waiting for the fries he ordered at the counter behind them, immediately straightens his back and crosses his arms with a huff. Seokmin stifles a giggle at the loud  _ harumph  _ his friend makes. His fries arrive just then and Mingyu swipes the tray off of the counter so quickly it’s as if he’s participating in an Olympic sport. He pushes past Wonwoo, who Seokmin can tell is pretending to not notice him.

“Seokminnie!” Mingyu calls out, his thunderous voice climbing about four octaves upwards as he speed walks towards the table. Seokmin watches the fries shake wildly inside the tray and he mentally prepares himself to go along with whatever Mingyu was going to initiate.

“Yes, GyuGyu?” he forces out with a grimace. In his peripheral vision, Wonwoo swerves around so quickly he almost spins into the counter. Seungcheol, who just bowled a spare, also turns around and glances at them warily. 

“Are you two alright?”

“Couldn’t be better!” Mingyu cackles proudly, slamming the tray down in front of Seokmin as he takes a seat. Seungcheol just shakes his head and turns back to the scoring monitor to check who’s winning. 

“Wait Minnie, come closer,” Mingyu whines.

Seokmin shifts in his seat so that he and Mingyu are almost touching noses. “GyuGyu was a nice touch,” Mingyu whispers. “Everyone should call me that from now on.”

His speaking voice returns to a louder volume again. “Let me feed you. You’d like that wouldn’t you?” he simpers and Seokmin fights back the urge to physically shudder.

“Uhh-”

“Here you go!” Mingyu grabs a fistful of fries and shoves them in Seokmin’s mouth.

“ _ Mmghph _ .” The fries slide out of Seokmin’s mouth and Wonwoo finally glances in their direction. Seokmin meets his eyes, fries still tumbling down, and he can only imagine how he’s appearing to Wonwoo right now. But instead of cracking even the tiniest smile at this, Wonwoo just gapes at him and Mingyu with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow. 

Before Seokmin can figure out his next move, Seungcheol shouts past them, his arms waving in the air excitedly. “Shua! We’re over here!”

Seokmin immediately spits out the rest of the fries back onto the tray (“And you have the audacity to say  _ I’m _ gross?” Mingyu grumbles) before turning around and waving to Joshua. Seokmin wonders if he’ll actually bowl with them since didn’t Joshua once say that he didn’t want to hurt his fingers?

He smiles sweetly at him as Joshua makes his way over to their lane. Mingyu offers him the fries that are still fresh in the little fry container and Joshua shakes his head politely before taking the seat next to Seokmin, bouncing into the swerving chair so quickly he almost spins off of it.

“I like your shirt. It’s cute!” Joshua smiles at him and  _ fuck _ , that’s really all it takes for Seokmin to melt into a pile of goo in front of him.

“Aw, thank you hyung!” And there he goes, his own voice rising in pitch like Mingyu’s did earlier. Except Seokmin is actually trying to be cute for the person he’s speaking to right now.  _ Beautiful, kind Joshua _ .

“You could say it’s  _ striking _ ,” Joshua giggles at his own terrible joke and of course,  _ of course _ Seokmin just  _ has  _ to react with an obnoxious guffaw instead of a light chuckle.

“Oh my gosh, you’re so funny hyung!” he chortles, slapping his knee and the way Joshua’s smile immediately widens is more than worth having to witness the way Jeonghan rolls his eyes smugly in response. Seokmin shoots him a quick look of disapproval over Joshua’s shoulder.

Jeonghan doesn’t even blink. “Oh, how  _ sweet _ .” He pokes the back of Joshua’s neck and the other man turns around to slap at his best friend playfully. Jeonghan just shakes his head in an almost condescending manner. “You’re the only one who thinks Seokmin’s shirt looks good while he’s the only one who thinks you’re funny.”

“Ah Hannie, why are you so mean sometimes?” Seungcheol teases his boyfriend as he walks over with a pink bowling ball. Seokmin is pretty sure that’s one of the special balls Seungcheol had gotten custom-made for Jeonghan.  _ Must be nice to have someone to give gifts to _ , Seokmin thinks. _ Even if it’s bowling equipment of all things. _

He glares at Jeonghan again, even though he understands that him poking fun at Seokmin is his own weird way of helping nudge Joshua’s attention towards Seokmin. Jeonghan promptly ignores him. “Hey, I can make fun of my friends within their own set boundaries that they are encouraged to let me know if I cross.” he sniffs, elbowing Seungcheol. “You love me all the same, Cheollie.”

“Yeah, you’re really something,“ Seungcheol just grins and throws an arm around Jeonghan’s shoulders. “I do love your endearingly bold personality.”

“ _ Bleugh _ .” Chan pretends to gag and Hansol mirrors him as he walks back over to their table while Jeonghan just smiles proudly and leans into Seungcheol’s touch. 

But he’s still smirking. “Seokmin, on the other hand,  _ loves  _ nice and quiet boys. Nice and quiet boys like Jo-”

“Okay okay, is the round over?” Seokmin interrupts him quickly, the tips of his ears reddening. He avoids looking at Joshua. “I want to play.”

“Yeah, Jeonghannie won.  _ Again _ .” Seungcheol taps on the pink ball. “Who’s next?”

“Me. Seok. Josh. Chan.” Mingyu counts off on his fingers. “And, uh- I think that’s everyone who’s here, right? What a shame that more of our friends couldn’t make it!”

“Wait, what about Wonwoo?” Junhui questions as he walks over carrying a dark purple ball. 

“Who’s that?” Mingyu tries his best to look aloof and Seokmin bites the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing. Maybe Mingyu’s dumb plan would be at least funny to _watch_.

“Huh?” Hansol frowns and Wonwoo finally joins them at the table. 

“Hey guys, what’s up-”

“I think I’m gonna go pick out some new balls to use,” Mingyu declares and stomps away towards the bowling ball racks dramatically. Seokmin stands up to follow him and the rest of their friends begin exchanging seats so the players for the next round could prepare for their game. He feels Wonwoo shoot imaginary lasers into his back as he hastily trails after Mingyu.

“I think it’s working!” Mingyu bends down a little to whisper to Seokmin when they reach the ball rack.

Seokmin shrugs. “Hey- at most, he’s already jealous. And at the very least, he’s confused.”

“Very true,” Mingyu nods. “Let’s keep this up. Keep the ball rolling!” 

Seokmin agrees and the two of them pick out some new balls (Seungcheol tended to overestimate how heavy of bowling balls the rest of them were able to play with) before they return to Lane 8.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin’s ball rolls into the gutter for the twentieth time and Mingyu claps his hands in delight. “You’re so great at this!” he gushes, placing his hands on Seokmin’s shoulders as he watches from behind him. Seokmin reaches up to intertwine their fingers and out of the corner of his eye, glances at Wonwoo. The older boy appears to be placidly arranging the balls in the return machine in colour order but Seokmin can feel his judgement spouting out like a broken water fountain.

“Aw, I’m not  _ that  _ good,” Seokmin responds slyly. Because yeah, he sucks ass at bowling. But at least he’s having fun. Even if he has to pretend to be absolutely elated everytime Mingyu blinks or breathes.

Sneaking another peek at Wonwoo too, Mingyu takes his turn and his ball rolls smoothly down the lane to hit eight out of ten pins. “Wow, look at you!” Seokmin gasps exaggeratedly and he jumps up and down before throwing his arms around his friend. Mingyu hugs him back tightly and Wonwoo looks like he’s two seconds away from dropping his bowling ball on Seokmin’s feet.

“You guys sure are having a good time...” another voice cuts in quietly. Seokmin releases his hold on Mingyu and suddenly he’s face-to-face with Joshua. Mingyu keeps his arm around Seokmin’s shoulders, slowly running his hand down Seokmin’s arm and Joshua’s eyes follow the intimate motion. 

There’s a blank look on his face and Seokmin tries his best to squash down the tiny bit of hope that blossoms in his heart that maybe, just  _ maybe _ Joshua was jealous. But the expression on his hyung’s face disappears just as quickly as it appeared and Joshua just smiles at them brightly. “It’s my turn now.”

“Your turn to hug me?” Seokmin blurts out without thinking. 

“Um, I meant that it’s my turn to bowl,” Joshua bites back a grin. 

_ Oh.  _ Seokmin was such an idiot. Of course that’s what Joshua meant. Why would it have been anything else? “Ahaha, yes I know. I was just kidding! Kidding around with you!” 

He blushes and Joshua just nods amusedly and walks past them to take his turn. Mingyu looks like he’s about to burst out laughing as he removes his arm from Seokmin’s shoulder. “You know, watching you find new ways to embarrass yourself in front of him will never get old.” he says when they return to the sitting area.

“Oh, shut up and go try to glare at Wonu-hyung without letting your eye twitch.”

They finish the game (Chan wins by four points) and play a few more, alternating players each time. Eventually, Mingyu and Joshua excuse themselves to go to the bathroom while Jeonghan and Seungcheol also disappear together somewhere. The maknaes skip off to the arcade, dragging Junhui and Wonwoo, who is still staring daggers at Seokmin, with them. Seokmin sits alone, fiddling around with Mingyu’s empty fry container from earlier, until Joshua returns to the table.

“Hey,” Seokmin looks up and Joshua opens his arms as he approaches him. “Come here.”

He engulfs Seokmin in a hug, patting his hair and Seokmin wonders if there’s a way to muffle the scream resounding from his heart. “You wanted a hug earlier right? I’m sorry I didn’t get the hint.”

And  _ wow _ , Joshua really is an idiot. An adorable one at that but an idiot all the same. “It’s okay, hyung.”

“Cool...So, uh. You and Mingyu, huh?” Joshua pulls back from the hug and the unreadable expression on his face returns. “Looks like things are really moving along,” he coughs.

“You could tell?” Seokmin asks, like it wasn’t obvious. So much for sticking to his and Mingyu's original plan of not playing up their so-called romantic banter in front of Joshua.

“It’s been kind of hard to miss.”

“Right.”

“Although-” Joshua pauses, fingers playing with the fraying edge of Seokmin’s shirt. Seokmin swallows hard. Was this flirting? No, probably not, and Seokmin was just being delusional again.

“What is it, hyung?”

Joshua doesn’t meet his eyes, hands still gripping loosely on Seokmin’s shirt. “This is really hard to say and to be clear, I’m not completely certain that this is true. But, um…” he trails off and Seokmin, in an act of courage, grabs Joshua’s hands gently in concern.

“What’s wrong?” he asks worriedly. 

Joshua still doesn’t look at him. “I just- again I’m not sure about this but…” He takes a deep breath. ”I saw the way he kept looking at Wonwoo while he was flirting with you.”

_ Shit shit shit _ . “Oh?” Seokmin squeaks out. “Are you thinking that he’s using me to make Wonwoo jealous?”

“Well…” Joshua finally glances up at him. “Kind of...I just have this weird feeling about what’s going on.”

_ He’s not wrong about that _ , Seokmin thinks. “I-I see…”

“I’m sorry.” Joshua looks so upset and the fact that it’s on Seokmin’s behalf sinks in and it’s too much for his heart to take. “Again, I’m not sure. Just be careful, Minnie.”

“I will. Thank you for alerting me, Shua-hyung.” Seokmin squeezes his hands. “I’ll always value your opinion the most.”

Maybe he’s said too much. Maybe he’s  _ done  _ too much. “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Joshua mumbles. “Especially knowing I could have said something to prevent it. I know I’m not really involved in this but still- I care about you and your feelings.”

Fuck, Seokmin doesn’t deserve him. Maybe nobody does. “Thank you, hyung. Hey, so-” he tries to change the subject. “You bowled with us earlier.” 

Joshua nods. “Yeah, what about it?”

“When we met here like a year ago, didn’t you say that you didn’t play bowling with Seungcheol and Jeonghan because you’d hurt your fingers and you didn’t want that to happen because you play guitar?” 

“You remember that?” Joshua turns pinker than Jeonghan’s custom-made bowling ball. “Um, I guess I was careful today, so that wouldn’t happen.”

“Right, but what if-” 

“Hey, you know what?” Joshua blurts out. “Maybe I could help you. With your Mingyu problem, I mean.”

“What?” Seokmin stares at him incredulously, trying not to think about how Joshua is still holding his hands. “What do you mean?”

“Just…hear me out on this.” Joshua starts slowly. “What if  _ I  _ pretend to flirt with you so you can make him jealous?”

_ Oh fuck _ . Seokmin doesn’t know whether he should laugh or cry at Joshua’s suggestion. “Um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he grimaces nervously. “I mean, we shouldn’t bother since if he  _ is _ only using me, he’s probably not gonna react to anything we try, right?”

“But didn’t something happen between you guys?” Joshua presses on, finally letting go of Seokmin’s hands. “You told me at the hospital when I saw Mingyu wearing your pants. You implied that things were progressing in some way, at least.”

Okay, he should cry. He should cry an entire river, and maybe a sea and an ocean too, at how a simple request from Mingyu to borrow Seokmin’s coolest pants spiraled into this situation. Because it wasn’t like Seokmin’s initial lie about liking Mingyu got him into this mess in the first place. Nope, this was all Mingyu’s fault. He wouldn’t have ever even met Joshua if stupid Kim Mingyu didn’t decide to work at the stupid bowling alley last summer.

“It’s up to you, of course. I want to help you, Seokminnie, but only if you’re comfortable with it,” Joshua smiles. “We don’t need to pretend in front of anyone else- it’ll get too difficult to explain to everyone anyway.”

And now Seokmin feels like laughing  _ until _ he cries. “Won’t you feel uncomfortable though? Pretending to like me?” He regrets the question as soon as it comes out of his mouth. Because Seokmin knows the answer.

But Joshua just shrugs. “I wouldn’t mind.”

_ Oh. _

“It’s just pretend, right?”

_ Right. _

And Seokmin hates, he absolutely  _ despises _ what comes out of his own mouth next. “So um, when Mingyu’s around, would you, like...I don’t know- cuddle with me? Maybe hold my hand and hug me more often?”

“Sure, yeah,” Joshua nods nonchalantly and holy shit, Seokmin might just be the most selfish person in the whole world. “You can cuddle me and hold my hand and initiate more hugs with  _ me _ too if you want.” 

He shouldn’t do this. He shouldn’t take advantage of Joshua’s kindness all because he was a fucking coward that couldn’t confess how he really felt to him. It wouldn’t be right.

“I can even kiss you if you want to be especially convincing.”

“What?” Seokmin blinks rapidly before staring at Joshua again because there’s no way he heard that correctly, right? Before today, he had never imagined that there could be any scenario in this universe where Joshua Hong would  _ offer to kiss him. _

“I said, I can kiss you. Or you can kiss me,” Joshua reaffirms. Seokmin is probably imagining the redness dusting his hyung’s cheeks. “But only if you’re okay with it, of course…” Joshua shrugs and scratches the back of his neck. He’s acting like kissing Joshua would be a chore for Seokmin when that was lightyears away from the truth.

_ It’s not right _ .

“Okay,” Seokmin whispers. “Let’s pretend.”

_ I’m an asshole _ .  _ A selfish, scared asshole. _

“Yeah? Are you really sure you’re okay with this?” Joshua furrows his brow in concern.

“Are  _ you _ really sure  _ you’re  _ okay with this?” Seokmin shoots back. Part of him hopes that Joshua will say  _ no _ , that he’s changed his mind all of a sudden because then it wouldn’t be Seokmin’s choice and Seokmin wouldn’t be so fucking tempted to make what he knows is the wrong choice.

“Yes. I want to help you.” Joshua starts patting Seokmin’s hair again and  _ fuck _ . Fuck fuck fuck.

Before he can answer, Mingyu returns from the bathroom and he begins walking back to their table. The reality of the situation sets in and Seokmin panics. 

Just like he always does.

“Guys, I just puked up those soggy fries!" Mingyu booms. "I forgot how they’re actually really awf-”

“Shua-hyung, did you say you hurt your fingers?” Seokmin lifts Joshua’s left hand up and makes a show of examining it. “I told you that you shouldn’t have bowled with us today!”

A surprised look flashes across Joshua’s face before his mouth drops into a pout and he paws at Seokmin’s shirt with his free hand. “But I wanted to play with you.” he whines softly and Seokmin wonders how he hasn’t passed out yet from how cute his hyung is. 

“Guys? What’s going on?” Seokmin tunes out Mingyu’s befuddled questions and rubs circles over Joshua’s fingers with his thumb.

“Poor cute hyung.” He raises Joshua’s hand closer to his lips and before he can talk himself out of it, Seokmin presses a gentle kiss on his knuckles. “Does that help?”

“Mmhm...” Joshua nods shyly and Seokmin leans in to hug him again, his heart rattling against his chest so loudly he wonders if his friends all the way over at the arcade can hear it. 

Joshua turns his head to whisper in Seokmin’s ear. “Look at how confused Gyu looks! It’s working!”

Seokmin makes eye contact with Mingyu while Joshua sinks into the hug and his friend’s jaw is practically on the floor.  _ I’ll explain later _ , Seokmin mouths to him and Mingyu slowly gives him a thumbs up.

He’ll deal with Mingyu later. Right now, all Seokmin can think about is how right it feels to have Joshua here in his arms.


	14. Fourteen

Seokmin’s a good friend, Joshua thinks. He always remembers even the smallest details about things Joshua only mentions in passing. He has always been sweet and attentive and he makes Joshua feel valued. Their own friendship aside, the younger is kind to everyone around him and the first person to cheer anyone up, even if he isn’t in a good mood himself. And he’s funny and smart and has the brightest and cutest smile Joshua has ever seen. 

Maybe Mingyu had actually been serious about flirting with Seokmin earlier and Joshua is just being pessimistic. He just...can’t shake the feeling that there was something off about Mingyu and Seokmin’s sudden displays of flirting at the bowling alley. But it isn’t actually that far-fetched to believe that perhaps Mingyu just likes Seokmin now.

Because who wouldn’t like Lee Seokmin? 

But there was another thing that happened at the bowling alley that Joshua thought was bizarre. When he had stared after Seokmin and Mingyu as they whispered at the ball racks together, Joshua felt an uncomfortable feeling settle in the pits of his stomach, like a thousand stubborn knots tied together. That was really weird and Joshua doesn’t know why he felt so squirmy right there and then. 

Hmm...maybe _he_ has an undiscovered allergy like Chan had. Yeah, that’s probably it! Joshua has an unknown allergy to something at the bowling alley so that would also explain why he felt such an overwhelming need to protect Seokmin, to help him with his Mingyu issue in any way he could. It would explain how Joshua had thought long and hard on how to help Seokmin only to come up with the idea of flirting with him- well, _pretending_ to- because wasn’t that exactly what Mingyu was doing? Except Seokmin actually likes Mingyu but Mingyu isn’t aware of it. What a complicated jumble of events!

“I can hear you think from here.” Seungcheol meets his eyes through the rearview mirror and Joshua wriggles uncomfortably in the backseat of the truck. Seungcheol is his ride home and Jeonghan is already fast asleep and snoring loudly in the passenger seat.

“You should keep your eyes on the road,” he responds, simply. Seungcheol shrugs and doesn’t say anything else and for that, Joshua is thankful.

Because he wouldn’t even know how to begin to explain why he’s suddenly dwelling on the feeling of Seokmin’s lips touching his knuckles. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t. Joshua _totally_ did not feel the tiniest tingle soar through his body when Seokmin kissed his hand. 

He supposes that maybe if Seokmin wanted to do that again, he wouldn’t really mind. But that’s obviously just because this was all part of their plan! Their plan to make Mingyu jealous. 

Because Seokmin likes Mingyu and nobody else. Definitely.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin is in a predicament. 

Bowling night had just ended, right as Jeonghan and Seungcheol trotted back to their table and dragged Joshua away about a minute after their whole fake-flirting display. Seungcheol drove Joshua and Jeonghan home while their friends in the arcade decided to stay there a little longer (Wonwoo and Hansol had been in the middle of a heated Dance Dance Revolution battle in which Seungcheol had tried to point out all their footwork mistakes on his way out the door). So Seokmin and Mingyu bussed home together alone.

Mingyu asks him, “Hey, what the fuck was that earlier?” so Seokmin quietly explains what Joshua had suggested to him. Mingyu laughs so hard at the development that snot flies out of his nose and onto Seokmin’s adorable and _not hideous_ bowling pin shirt.

“You should have just kissed him on the lips, man,” Mingyu shakes his head with a chuckle. “Instead of on the hand like it’s the fucking eighteenth century. Didn’t he say you could kiss him anywhere?”

“Well, maybe I was trying to be chivalrous.” Seokmin crosses his arms defensively.

“I thought he was supposed to be the gentleman out of all of us.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t be one to him.”

Mingyu snorts. “Would a _gentleman_ lie to his crush to avoid confessing?”

“I don’t know, Mingyu. Would Wonu-hyung’s _ideal man_ also spin a web of lies with this gentleman?” Seokmin punches him lightly on his arm.

“He started it!” Seokmin rolls his eyes and Mingyu looks both ways before speaking again, like he’s scared that Wonwoo has somehow ended up on the same bus as them- even though he lives in the other direction. “So what’s the plan now?”

Seokmin ponders this for a second. “Uhh, I guess just act shocked when he and I pretend to flirt in front of you. And we’ll just keep pretending to flirt in front of Wonwoo-hyung but if Joshua-hyung looks at us weirdly, now we’ll both know _why_.”

“Right,” Mingyu smirks. “Not ‘cause he’s jealous or anything.”

“Yeah, I know,” Seokmin looks at him sadly. “Trust me. I know that.”

They’re one stop away from Mingyu’s place when the taller of the two speaks again.

“What do you like about Joshua, anyway?”

Seokmin scoffs softly under his breath, because how can he even begin to answer a question like that? It’s like Mingyu just asked Seokmin why he likes his favourite song, or what he likes about the colour blue. Or what makes Seokmin prefer dark chocolate over white, or why he gets cold even when he’s wearing three jackets.

“He’s just... _him_ , you know?” Seokmin starts. “When I first met him, I thought he was all perfect and everything and even though I know now that it’s not true, I still think he radiates softness and warmth without even trying. Because that’s how he makes me feel whenever I’m around him. Shua-hyung is all kind and gentle even when people around him don’t deserve it. Sometimes, that includes me.” 

He pauses to take a breath. “And he always tries his very best at everything even when he’s already super smart and I really appreciate how he listens to me go on about anything and everything under the sun and...I don’t know, Mingyu- everything about hyung just makes me want to be around him.”

“Ah, I see,” Mingyu smiles understandingly at him. “Kind of sounds like you’re in love with him, to be honest.”

“What?” Seokmin scoffs again. “We’re not even dating, I can’t jump to that conclusion so quickly.”

Mingyu only shrugs at him. “Just kinda sounds like you already have,” is all he says before hopping off of the bus.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’m gonna miss this place.” Jeonghan leans against the front door. It’s the next day and Seungcheol’s beat-up truck waits outside their building. Jeonghan yaps at his boyfriend to pick up the last of his boxes and carry them to the vehicle while Joshua watches sadly from the steps of the front entrance.

“Aw, don’t look at us like that, Shua,” Seungcheol gives him a comforting smile as he walks back over, hopping over the curb. “Remember- you can come visit anytime!”

“Yeah. Our new place is ginormous,” Jeonghan stretches his arms out widely to make his point. “We might be nearing the end of July but with our new swimming pool, it’ll be like summer’s never over!” 

“I guess,” Joshua mumbles. Jeonghan nudges at him with his knee.

“Are you really still upset with us?” 

“ _No_ ,” Joshua huffs. “Maybe. A little. I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me earlier. No one ever tells me anything.”

Seungcheol and Jeonghan exchange a somewhat tired glance and Joshua sighs. Maybe he’s overreacting. “Forget it. I’m just being a brat, sorry.” He makes a show of shrugging at them, shoulders rising and dropping. “I’m glad you guys have a pool. Does it come with a jacuzzi?”

“Yeah, it does, actually!” and _okay_ , Jeonghan really didn’t have to look so blatantly relieved at the change in topic. “We should definitely throw a party soon. Let’s ask everyone when they’re free in the group chat.”

“Yeah.” Seungcheol takes out his phone. “Hey, you know what I think is funny? Seungkwan and Hansol are moving in together at the same time Jeonghannie and I are.” 

Jeonghan snorts. “Especially since they’ve been together for what? Three months? While we’ve been together for more than four years. Do you think they're even ready?”

“No idea.” Seungcheol types out a message and puts his phone back into his pocket. “I mean, you and I are only moving in now because _we’re_ sure we’re ready and we now have the money for it.”

One of Jeonghan’s boxes falls out of the back of the truck with a _thud_ and the three friends run to the vehicle to shove it back in. Seungcheol picks it up to hand to Jeonghan, who tries to find another way to position his belongings. Just as Joshua points to a free spot in the truck, he remembers something else. 

"I can't believe they just didn't tell Seok about it either." Joshua had been informed by Jihoon about Seokmin’s new rooming situation when the producer had given him a ride home from the hospital the night of Chan’s incident.

"What?" Jeonghan nudges the box into the new spot. It falls again, and Seungcheol scrambles to pick it up once more, shaking his head at the crinkled box.

"They just decided that Boo would move in without consulting him,” Joshua reminds him. “That's a little inconsiderate, right?"

"Wait, really?” Seungcheol forces the box in and it finally stays put. “I thought they were moving in together somewhere else. Is Seokmin just gonna third-wheel them, then?"

“Guess so.” Another, larger box slides out and Jeonghan lets out a frustrated groan. "Oh, well you can’t win at everything-"

"Like isn't it kind of irresponsible, though?” Joshua continues, his tone irritated. “I heard they surprised Minnie with this news literally as Boo walks in with his luggage?"

"You sure feel pretty annoyed on Seokmin’s behalf," Jeonghan points out calmly, shoving the loose box in aggressively. Seungcheol looks like he wants to say something too, but decides against it. Joshua scrunches up his nose in confusion.

"Well, why wouldn't I be? He's my friend."

"Right. Of course!" What is Jeonghan insinuating? Is Joshua not allowed to feel defensive of Seokmin and his shocking new living arrangements? Maybe the reason Joshua feels so irritated on Seokmin's behalf is because he himself also got blindsided by similar news from Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Yes, that makes sense- Joshua is just being naturally empathetic!

Before he can speak up again, Seungcheol claps him on the back with a grin on his face. “Guess that’s everything! You coming with us, Shua?”

“Maybe another time,” Joshua sighs, resisting the urge to make another snarky remark. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

The couple shrug and step into Seungcheol’s truck. They wave goodbye to Joshua, who reluctantly waves back before turning on his heel and stomping back up to his _own_ apartment. Maybe he’ll hit up Jihoon and ask if he wants to work out at the gym together later. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin is in another predicament.

“The fuck, man?” barks the slightly smaller of the two lumps under the blanket on Hansol’s bed. “Ever heard of knocking?” 

“Sorry, sorry!” Seokmin shuts the door to his roommate’s room so quickly he almost slams it on his own pinky. “I just wanted to know if either of you ate the rest of my Doritos?”

The two lumps go silent. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Seokmin grumbles before squeezing out of the tight little hallway and into the slightly less tight kitchen. Ugh, everything in the apartment is tiny and small and he’s really getting sick of it.

Seungkwan had only moved in a few days ago but it had already felt like weeks. Every morning, Seokmin would be woken up by obnoxious wailing that Seungkwan liked to describe as “singing” and “practicing for the showcase”. But Seokmin had heard his dongsaeng sing before and he usually sounded really, really good. Yet, here they were and Hansol didn’t even know what Seokmin was talking about.

“He sounds the same to me!” the younger man had remarked over breakfast earlier that day. “Besides, you sing all the time and _I_ never complain about it.”

“Yeah, but- but this is different!”

“How is it different?”

“It-it just is!” Seokmin insisted childishly as he wondered if Hansol had finally gone deaf from all that obnoxiously loud music he listens to (Seokmin can sometimes hear it even when Hansol wears headphones).

Seungkwan also stole snacks, which was an issue Seokmin didn’t really care about until it became _his_ snacks that were getting stolen. He sat his friend down yesterday morning- an _intervention_ , Seokmin called it. Even though the issue had only prevailed for a few days.

“Boo, you gotta stop finishing my Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I said you could have _some_ , not an entire bag!”

“Okay, sorry,” Seungkwan had agreed nonchalantly and Seokmin couldn’t really say anything else even though he knew there was no way it could be _that_ easy to convince Seungkwan to stop.

And he had stopped, but at some kind of monkey paw-like cost; Seokmin’s last bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos had vanished when he got back home last night. He fumed at a calm Seungkwan, who just replied that he was not responsible for this mysterious disappearance since he only polished off Hansol’s snacks earlier. Seokmin later found the empty bag of Cheetos sticking out of the pocket of Hansol’s favourite hoodie and the dominos started to fall in his mind.

What can he even do, at this point? Demand for Seungkwan to leave? He isn’t even paying rent, since it wasn’t a permanent move-in. Even though it’s starting to feel like it. But Seokmin doesn’t think he has the backbone for that big of a confrontation. He sighs and leans on the kitchen counter. Maybe he needs to learn to just suck it up and deal with the reality of the situation.

Out of nowhere, a prickling sensation creeps up his forearm and Seokmin frantically swipes at it. His gaze lands on the counter, where a trail of ants accelerate towards him.

Perhaps Minghao would let Seokmin crash at his dorm for the night.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua thinks Jihoon might not be in the best mood today.

“I’m in a horrible mood today,” Jihoon mutters angrily as he lifts the dumbbells slowly. “Just gonna put that out there so you don’t think that it’s you that I’m mad at.”

“Okay, thank you for letting me know,” Joshua tries to smile at him. “Do you want advice or do you just want a listening ear?” he asks as he scours the rack for the right weights.

“Just...listen please, hyung.” Jihoon sets the dumbbells down and Joshua nods. The shorter of the two leans back on the bench. 

“I’m having the worst week.”

“It’s Monday.” Joshua tries to joke but Jihoon just continues to seethe.

“I _said_ I’m having the worst week.” Joshua raises his hands in surrender, nearly dropping his weights. 

Jihoon glances at him warily before he continues. “Yesterday, I was at the pet store with Cheol- you know about how he’s thinking of getting a puppy?”

“Yeah, I heard.” This Joshua _did_ know about. “I wasn’t sure how serious he was about it, though.”

“Well, serious enough to go to the pet store,” Jihoon explains. “He was looking at these little fluffy white dogs and they were really cute.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’...”

“But one of them peed on me,” Jihoon deadpans.

“Oh- oh no...”

“Not to mention I’ve also been very stressed about the showcase.”

“Ah, understandable.”

“The organizers contacted me but they want Woozi to host the whole thing. I can’t do that and you know why!” Jihoon sputters.

“Maybe you could wear a cool mask or something-”

“It’s not Mardi Gras, hyung!” Jihoon responds haughtily and _right_ , Joshua isn’t supposed to give Jihoon advice. “And Cheol’s trying to rope some of the others into performing some freestyle with him but apparently Wonwoo and Mingyu were being weird at bowling night and Hansol is too busy playing house with Seungkwan. But he complained to me about how the summer showcase organizers don’t think rapping is a talent. As if I have the influence to do something about it!”

“You totally don’t,” Joshua agrees carefully while Jihoon starts to switch out his weights with heavier ones. He plops down back on the bench with dumbbells Joshua has never even seen anyone at their gym carry before. 

“And on top of everything, Soonyoung has been getting on my nerves even more than usual!”

“Oh, no…” Joshua bites back a smile. “Why’s that?”

“His bitch ass keeps wanting my judgement on his re-choreographed dance. I kept telling him that he knows better than I do!” the composer hisses as he lifts the new weights with vigour.

“Okay, I don’t care anymore- I’m gonna give you advice.” Joshua ignores the younger’s scowl. “Maybe Soonyoungie’s _bitch ass_ just wants to spend more time with you.”

“Why?” Jihoon glowers at him. “We already see each other enough as it is.” 

Joshua raises an eyebrow. “Do you really?”

“Well- I mean it’s-it’s enough for me!” Jihoon spits. Joshua just shakes his head and decides to change the subject.

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about performing in the showcase myself,” he tells him and Jihoon finally sets down his weights again.

“Well, you’re lucky the university is incompetent and doesn’t plan ahead enough.” he says and Joshua shoots him a confused look. “What I’m saying is, sign-ups are still open.”

“I’m not certain about it yet, but I’ve been considering it,” Joshua adds. “Seokmin thought I should.”

_Seokmin_. The tip of his tongue burns at the name. 

It shouldn’t.

“He did?” Jihoon tilts his head to the side. “I mean, I think you have a great voice, hyung. And I bet Seokmin would really like it if you took his words to heart.”

_He would?_

“So, yeah. I’m down for you signing up, hyung.”

“Um, but what do you mean? About Minnie?” Joshua tries to ask him. Everyone is being so cryptic today! But the strange moment passes just as quickly as it arrived and Jihoon starts pointing at the treadmills, saying something about wanting to “get his cardio on”. So Joshua follows him, shaking off thoughts of Seokmin that shouldn’t be where they are.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The floorboards of Minghao’s dormitory building shake beneath Seokmin as he dashes up the stairs, a small backpack carrying his sleepover belongings sitting snugly on his shoulders. He’s always been befuddled at the layout of the university housing units, with their long, winding hallways only on the odd-numbered floors and the random elevators positioned in the most inconspicuous spots. Minghao, Jihoon, Junhui, and Wonwoo were lucky enough to secure year-round housing so each of them still goofed around in their dorms during the summer instead of going home. 

Ah, there it is- room 117. Seokmin silently thanked Minghao for not ending up on a higher-level floor or his legs would give out under him soon. He knocks on the door- how many knocks were appropriate at a good friend’s door? Maybe three.

_Knock knock knock_. 

Weird, Seokmin definitely asked Minghao if he could chill at his place overnight and Minghao definitely texted back a “sure, whatevs”. Seokmin tries pushing on the door gently.

To his surprise, it actually cracks open. Huh. _Whatevs_.

“Hao? It’s me...” Seokmin calls out to the dorm room. No one answers. His curiosity overtakes him and Seokmin quietly steps into the dorm, closing the door behind him.

There’s a few candy wrappers on the dining table and the small flat-screen television is still turned on, a Czech game show playing ominously through the silence in the rest of the dorm. “Minghao?” Seokmin calls again. “I’m here to sleep over! You know, since you said it was okay...” 

Maybe Minghao passed out or something. “Drink too much again?” Seokmin jokes lightly as he tip-toes towards Minghao’s bedroom. The door is left ajar, but not closed. Once again, Seokmin creaks the door open as quietly as he’s able to.

  
“Hao? I- _holy shit_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmaooo and the joshua hong denial tour begins
> 
> up next: the fake-flirting resumes


	15. Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> QUICK A/N:
> 
> ok I said the fake-flirting was gonna continue this chapter but this chapter was getting to be way too long so I decided to cut it in half and I really felt like updating so here it is and pls look out for the next chapter which will hopefully come soon skfljsjfl

Seokmin can only stare with wide eyes and a dropped jaw at the scene in front of him. A topless Minghao lays face down on the bedroom floor, his jeans hugging his lanky frame loosely. Junhui is kneeling down beside him, holding his hands up in surrender when he locks eyes with Seokmin.

“What- what happened here?” Seokmin gapes at him. “Why is Hao on the floor?”

“I- he just-” Junhui stutters, running a hand through his auburn locks anxiously. “Can you help me get him on the bed first?”

Seokmin narrows his eyes at him suspiciously but nonetheless scurries to lift up Minghao by his feet while Junhui holds him up by the arms. They swiftly swing him onto the mattress and Junhui gently rolls him over so he’s facing the ceiling. Seokmin awkwardly takes a seat on the bed, making sure not to squash his unconscious friend.

Junhui sighs. “He just, um- called me over here and uh, I guess he had too much to drink ‘cause he told me Soonyoung was downing shots with him earlier. I saw some shot glasses in the sink. They were playing some drinking game, I think.”

_ Probably explains the Czech game show playing on the TV. _ Seokmin continues to look at Junhui warily. The way the Chinese man is fidgeting nervously gives away the fact that there is clearly something he isn’t telling Seokmin. 

“Soonyoung left, I guess and um-” Junhui takes a breath. “-then I came here and he was clearly out of it. I was trying to shake him awake when you came in.”

“Then why is he shirtless?” Seokmin glares at him. His mind has already jumped to the worst conclusion.

Junhui lets out a grimace. “Like I said, they were playing a drinking game. Maybe they- maybe he-”

“Cut the crap, hyung,” Seokmin scoffs. “Either you were about to take advantage of him or-”

“Okay, absolutely  _ not _ ,” Junhui snaps. “I would never do that to anyone. That’s horrible.”

His tone seems sincere and he sounds genuinely angry and hurt that Seokmin would accuse him of an action so nefarious. “I’m sorry,” Seokmin apologizes quickly with a softer tone. “I know you aren’t that kind of person. Just- hyung, what really happened, then?”

Junhui sighs again and looks down at his hands in his lap. “So he called me over, right?”

“What for?” Seokmin raises an eyebrow, trying not to sound short like he was some kind of a detective interrogating their suspect. 

Redness creeps up Junhui’s neck and he scratches behind it. “Well…”

And suddenly Seokmin  _ knows _ . How could he have missed this?

“You guys are hooking up.”

The guilty look on Junhui’s face tells Seokmin he hit the nail right on the head.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “I’m s-so cool...” Wonwoo announces, slurring his words. It sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself of this, as he takes another swig of his bottle. “I’m the-the coolest cat everrrrr. S-soonyoung isn’t the only kitty in town!” _

_ “Hyung, you’re not okay,” Seokmin protests, trying to pry the drink away from Wonwoo. He turns to look at Hansol, who is swaying back and forth just a few metres away on their room’s balcony. Seokmin huffs and yanks on the younger boy’s collar to pull him back before he does something stupid, like fall into the ocean. Hansol just shrugs him off and steps back onto the balcony, resuming his swaying. _

_ Seokmin himself is only a little bit drunk- not full-on shit-faced like the other two. He has never seen neither Wonwoo nor Hansol go so hard at parties but here they are. It was funny at first, when they were all dancing wildly and badly on the dancefloor next to the cruise’s most crowded bar, but now, when they’ve wandered back to a room they claimed as their own (“No one ever books the first floor when they go on these boat trips”), Seokmin is growing more and more annoyed. _

_ Wonwoo starts to meow- fucking hell- and Seokmin pushes him down onto the bed. He finally succeeds in taking Wonwoo’s bottle away from him and he sets it down on the bedside table. Wonwoo grumbles, writhing as Seokmin tries to tuck him in. _

_ “Am I fun, Seokminnie?” he cries, face scrunched up in the strangest pout Seokmin has ever seen. “I’m a fun hyung right? I’m not like those other uptight hyungs!” _

_ Seokmin knows that the best way to handle someone as drunk as Wonwoo in his current state is to simply placate them. “Yes, you’re really cool, Wonu-hyung. The coolest friend I have!” _

_ “R-really?” Outside on the balcony, Hansol vomits over the railing. _

_ “Really, hyung,” Seokmin reassures him. He had no idea Wonwoo was so insecure about coming off as cool. “Now, why don’t we get you to bed-” _

_ “Nooooo…” _

_ “Yessss…” Seokmin pulls the blankets up to cover Wonwoo’s squirming body. Hansol stumbles back inside the room, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. Seokmin watches him whip out his cell phone to start taking selcas. _

_ Wonwoo pulls at Seokmin’s sleeve. “I don’t wanna b-be aloneeee in h-hereeee.” he hiccups. “Come insideee.” _

_ “Fine.” Seokmin resists, sighing as he moves into the bed beside Wonwoo. The older boy immediately wraps his arms around him. Who knew Jeon Wonwoo was a cuddly drunk? Seokmin closes his eyes and the last thing he hears is Wonwoo snoring obnoxiously and Hansol running to the bathroom (to puke again, probably) before the world around him fades to black. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“How long has this been going on?” Seokmin asks Junhui quietly. The older of the two shrugs, not making eye contact. “Or is this the first time?”

“It’s not the first time,” Junhui admits. “And um, it’s only been going on for two weeks. I didn’t cheat on Josh, if that’s what you’re about to ask me.” he tacks on hastily.

“I wasn’t even thinking about that.” Seokmin lies. 

To his mild shock, Junhui rolls his eyes. “Oh, come on. I  _ know _ , you know.”

“Know what?” Seokmin genuinely has no clue what he’s talking about.

“You like him. You always have.” Junhui bites his lip.

Seokmin feels his face heat up at the accusation. “What, just because I’m concerned that you’ve been hooking up with Minghao longer than you really have suddenly means I like Josh?”

Junhui shoots back a tired look. “No, but it was really obvious while I  _ was _ dating him. You still clung to him the same way you always did before,” he says matter-of-factly and Seokmin’s heart sinks to his stomach in embarrassment.

“At first I thought you were just being friendly. You’re friendly with everyone.” Junhui smiles sadly. “But after a while, it was kind of hard to miss.”

“I’m-I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to steal him away or anything,” Seokmin stammers.  _ Wow, this is really awkward _ . “Hyung, I really didn’t mean to cross those boundaries-”

“It’s okay,” Junhui shrugs like it mattered far less than it did. 

“But it’s really not,” Seokmin hangs his head in guilt. “I thought that if I just kept pretending like nothing changed between him and I then maybe he wouldn’t notice that I liked him the whole time.”

He knows he sounds stupid. Like he’s making excuses. 

Junhui laughs. Seokmin can’t tell if he’s laughing with him or at him. “I told you, it’s okay. And we’re all touchy so I was never that bothered and I’m pretty sure he never noticed. I think he still has no idea.”

“You’d be right about that,” Seokmin mumbles.

“And to be honest, you hanging out with him never got to the point where I felt like I had to say something to him about it. Besides-”

He pauses. “I thought that even if you liked him, it didn’t mean he liked you. So it wouldn’t matter.”

Seokmin knows he’s right. But it still hurts. 

Even though he has no right to feel hurt at this point. Maybe he did all this to himself. No wonder Joshua had liked Junhui more than him. Junhui, while a goofball in his own right, didn’t even crack open a can of worms that he had the right to yank open with all his energy. While Seokmin had just been a scared loser who ran so away from his feelings that the only way he could think to suppress them was by staying close to his crush so he wouldn’t be questioned. Until his crush literally broke up with his boyfriend and Seokmin started distancing himself in another loser move to keep from getting his hopes up again.

“Really, it’s okay,” Junhui reassures him again. “Anyway…” 

He looks down at Minghao’s unconscious body. “Hao doesn’t want anyone to know, by the way. About  _ our _ thing.”

“I won’t tell,” Seokmin promises, as if this was going to be some kind of consolation for his past actions. He knows it’s not.

“Thanks.” Junhui leans over the bed to shift the blanket so it’s covering Minghao. He strokes the other boy’s hair and the look on his face as he’s looking at Minghao is so soft that Seokmin feels the tension lift away from the room.

“But what’s gonna happen with you two?” he asks and Junhui stares at him like Seokmin just spoke French to him.

“There’s no us two.” The corners of Junhui’s mouth drop and he catches himself, straightening his back. “We’re just friends. Two adults in a mutual agreement about sex. And just that.”

_ That’s a lie _ , Seokmin wants to say. And he would know, after all the lying he’s been doing lately.

But he doesn’t say anything and Junhui stretches out his arms, yawning. “HaoHao said you were gonna sleep over. I don’t know if-”

“-If that’s such a good idea, yeah,” Seokmin finishes for him. “I’ll go see if Soonyoung or one of the others will let me stay. But-”

“I can take care of him. Don’t worry about it,” Junhui smiles understandingly and Seokmin thanks him quietly before taking out his phone to text Soonyoung.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jihoon groans as he scrolls through Joshua’s Spotify playlists. “Look, whatever you play in the showcase, do  _ not _ play Sunday Morning by Maroon 5.”

“I wasn’t going to!” Joshua protests.

(He had totally been considering it.)

Jihoon sits perched on the kitchen island in Joshua’s (and just Joshua’s) apartment, his nimble legs swinging passively as Joshua opens the fridge and sticks his head inside to look for a snack. Finding nothing- Jeonghan really polished off everything, he grumbles- Joshua kneels down by the cupboard to check its contents.

Jihoon burps loudly and uncharacteristically. Joshua wonders if he’s finally lost it. “Did you sign up online yet?” Jihoon asks him placidly, clearing his throat.

“Did it on the way here,” Joshua answers promptly. “Do I need to give you my song choice by a certain deadline?”

“Nah. The university doesn’t give a fuck.”

“Okay,” Joshua shrugs. All of a sudden, a loud banging sound erupts from the doorway and the two friends jump. Jihoon hops off of the kitchen island and stomps to the entrance.

“Who the fuck could that be?”

Joshua wrinkles his nose, also curious. He follows Jihoon to the door and the banging continues.

“Okay, okay- knock it off!” Joshua calls out and he unlocks the door. Immediately, it swings open forcefully, almost hitting Joshua in the face. Soonyoung stomps into the apartment, red eyes flashing with anger as he speedwalks towards Jihoon.

“Well, good evening to you too,” Joshua mutters. Another hand pries the door away from him and Joshua meets Seokmin’s eyes as the younger man locks the door for him.

“Are you alright, hyung?” Seokmin places his hand on Joshua’s shoulder and Joshua bristles at the touch. He forces a smile, not wanting his expression to give away how, for whatever reason, Seokmin’s touch burned like hot iron.

“Uh, yeah I-”

“Why would you  _ lie _ to me?”

Soonyoung’s yell interrupts him and Joshua turns his head to see the dancer pointing drunkenly at Jihoon, slurring his words. “M-Minghao told m-me that you’ve been Woozi this wh-whole time!”

“You got me.” Jihoon crosses his arms with a huff, strangely calm.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Soonyoung cries, his hands clutching the sides of his head in disbelief. “You know, I always thought- well  _ maybe _ Jihoon doesn’t like me back but I thought we were  _ friends _ . I-I thought I could  _ trust _ you.”

“Soonyoung, I-” Jihoon sighs exasperatedly. “Is it really that big of a deal?”

“That’s n-not the point!” Soonyoung yells and Joshua doesn’t think he’s ever seen him this visibly angry. He’s pretty sure Soonyoung isn’t exactly sober at the moment too. 

When Jihoon doesn’t reply, Soonyoung just scoffs before turning to Joshua and Seokmin. “Did you guys know Jihoon is Woozi?”

“Yeah...” Seokmin answers quietly. Joshua nods as sympathetically as he can manage and Soonyoung throws his head back and groans. 

“W-was I the only one who didn’t know? D-did you seriously tell every one of our friends but me?”

“It’s not like the whole university knows.” Jihoon tries to argue. 

“I don’t care. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Hao thought it would be funny-”

“It’s-it’s not…” Shaky tears threaten to spill from Soonyoung’s eyes. “I don’t know, it just feels like you’ve been making fun of me. Like, this whole time. And I’m sick of it.”

Joshua tries to intervene, inserting his body between his two feuding friends. “Soonyoungie, maybe you should calm down first.” 

He’s ignored and Soonyoung elbows him out of the way. “So what if I’m Woozi?” Jihoon protests. “It’s not a big deal.”

“You don’t get it do you?” Soonyoung snaps. “It’s not about you being Woozi, it’s about the principle of the matter! You lied to me for  _ no _ reason. Why can’t you ever be honest with me?”

They continue to shout back and forth and Joshua shuts his eyes tightly. This was uncomfortable. Seokmin siddles up beside him and Joshua hears him gulp hard. There’s an unreadable expression on his face, resembling a mixture of guilt and pain. On instinct, Joshua slips his hand into Seokmin’s and gives it a squeeze. But Seokmin doesn’t even look at him.

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon finally whispers. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“Fucking shit, Jihoon.” Soonyoung is full-on sobbing at this point, gripping the edge of the dining table to hold himself up. “This has gone on long enough.  _ All  _ of it. You either like me or you don’t. But you don’t get to tell me how I feel.”

“Are we seriously having this conversation right now?” Jihoon blinks at him, shaking his head at the ground.

“Yeah. W-we are,” Soonyoung bites back. Jihoon looks up at him with glassy eyes. 

“I think I’ve made it very clear how  _ I _ feel,” Soonyoung spits. “Even though you’re being a complete asshole right now- Jihoon, you  _ know _ how I feel.”

“Do I?” Jihoon grows quieter, turning away from his friends towards the wall. “Because riddle me this, Kwon Soonyoung-”

_ This is really dramatic _ , Joshua thinks to himself.  _ Like something out of a romance anime.  _ Suddenly, his stomach growls loudly and Soonyoung glances at him with a tired look as if to say  _ do you really have to interrupt this? _ Beside Joshua, Seokmin finally stifles a giggle and this makes Joshua suck in his breath to hide a smile too.

Seokmin hasn’t let go of his hand. Not that it matters.

“You haven’t been as clear as you say you have.” Jihoon breaks the silence as he continues to stare at the wall. Soonyoung stops sniffling and stomps towards him, spinning him around to face him.

“W-what do you mean?  _ How _ have I not been anything but in-incredibly obvious?”

“The flowers,” Jihoon scowled. “Remember, Soonyoung? You sent me those fucking pink roses months ago and I was waiting for you to own up to it but you never did.”

“What are you talking about?” Soonyoung screechs and the hand wrapped around Joshua’s falls. Seokmin exhales softly, akin to a whimper and Joshua frowns at him.

Soonyoung just looks into Jihoon’s eyes with nothing but confusion.

“Seokmin gave me these flowers in like, January or something, saying they were from you. You not saying something just never aligned with the rest of what you say and how you act. But he definitely gave them to me. So, that means you’re the one who’s inconsistent.”

Ah, Joshua remembers this. He recalls how Seokmin had met up with him in this very apartment that day and Joshua had so happily delivered the news of him and Junhui getting together. He remembers Seokmin holding a bouquet of roses that he said were for Jihoon, from Soonyoung. He had looked so adorable that day, clad in a cute little navy button-up. Joshua wonders what event he had been dressing up for; maybe he was going somewhere after their dog cafe outing that unfortunately didn’t even happen. Joshua pouts at the memory. Maybe they could go to the dog cafe together another time. That sounds nice.

“He did?” Soonyoung turns to Seokmin, whose face has turned mysteriously pale. “Unless- oh my-” Soonyoung gasps. “Seokmin you did  _ not _ .”

What was he talking about? Joshua frowns again. Before he can ask, Seokmin chuckles nervously.

“Um, well...”

“You fucker. I can’t believe you.”

Huh? “I didn’t know that it- I-”

“What’s up?” Jihoon narrows his eyes at all of them and Seokmin and Soonyoung just stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. Soonyoung looks like he’s contemplating something while Seokmin just looks panicked. 

Finally, Soonyoung clicks his tongue and turns to Joshua. “Hey hyung, do you want to go get some snacks at the convenience store? I’ll pay.”

“What’s going on?” Joshua and Jihoon demand in unison and Soonyoung just shrugs exaggeratedly.

“Ask Seokmin. He’s lucky I’m not so drunk that I’ll spill everything like Minghao did earlier. So, how ‘bout it, hyung?” Soonyoung smiles at Joshua through gritted teeth.

“But I want to know what’s going on too…” Joshua protests. Soonyoung just laughs forcefully and links their arms together.

“Yeah, well you seem more hungry than thirsty, hyung. Let’s go.” the dancer drags him out of the door before Joshua can argue further.

He glances over his shoulder, trying to catch Seokmin’s eye. The younger looks like he suddenly finds the floor very interesting and Joshua huffs, turning away as Soonyoung pushes him out the door.

Just another episode of Everyone Not Telling Joshua Things, he supposes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls see a/n in beginning!
> 
> ily all y'all readers <3
> 
> stay safe everyone!


	16. Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the way this is 6.4k long lmao.

“Talk,” Jihoon crosses his arms gruffly as he stares a flustered Seokmin down. “What’s the deal?”

How does Seokmin even begin? It’s not a complicated explanation but he’s still afraid of how Jihoon will react. The shorter man narrows his eyes when Seokmin doesn’t respond to him.

“Seokmin…” he warns in a slightly threatening tone, and Seokmin covers his face with his hands, groaning.

“I’m sorry, hyung!” he cries. “I told you those roses were from Soonyoung but they weren’t. I was gonna give them to Shua-hyung and confess to him but the day I tried, he told me he was dating Jun-hyung and I was so heart-broken that I didn’t want to look at the flowers anymore.”

He peeks through his fingers at Jihoon. The incredulous look on his hyung’s face isn’t as terrifying as Seokmin predicted but Jihoon still looks like he’s deciding which one of Seokmin’s arms to break first.

The producer inhales sharply, then exhales. “So, you pretended they were from Soonyoung?” 

“Yeah…” Seokmin sighs, hating how pitiful he sounds to himself. “I came up with the idea on the spot and I thought I was helping Soonyoung.”

“Well, you weren’t,” Jihoon snaps. He throws his head back, his hands gripping his own wrists behind his neck. “I can’t believe you. What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” Seokmin admits. “I didn't think it through and I really didn’t think this was going to do any damage-”

“But it did,” Jihoon tells him. “Fuck, I really messed this up with Soonyoung.”

_ All because of you _ , Seokmin can tell Jihoon is holding back the words. But he receives the message, loud and clear.

“Oh man, I really fucked this up,” Jihoon repeats, shaking his head. He’s not even looking at Seokmin anymore, eyes trained to the floor instead. “I need to talk to him when he gets back. Properly.”

“Okay,” Seokmin says in a small voice, because what else can he even say? A part of him wants to point out how he doesn’t feel that it’s right for him to hold full responsibility for the situation- surely, Jihoon’s inability to respond to Soonyoung’s feelings must not  _ only _ depend on Seokmin’s careless actions from seven months ago. But he doesn’t want to anger the older man any more than he already has.

Jihoon is still shaking his head. “And  _ fucking shit _ , Seokmin-  _ you _ really need to clear things up with Joshua. All of it, because this is getting ridiculous.”

_ You don’t even know the half of it _ , Seokmin thinks to himself. Before he can open his mouth to reply, the door swings open again and Soonyoung appears, slightly more orientated than when Seokmin had found him an hour ago. Joshua follows from behind him, the plastic bag dangling from his hand rustling as he shuts the door gently.

“Soonyoung…” Jihoon breathes, his tone softening.

“What?” Soonyoung whines back, but his tone mirrors Jihoon’s.

“Can we talk?” Jihoon stares into his eyes. “Seokmin...explained some things.”

“He better have,” Soonyoung grumbles, giving Seokmin the side eye and Seokmin recoils a bit. “But, yes,” Soonyoung looks back at Jihoon directly. “I think that’s a good idea.”

“Yeah.” Jihoon raises an eyebrow at Seokmin, and then shoots Joshua the same expression as the older man is putting away the snacks. “Can you two, like-”

“Yup, you got it,” Joshua nods swiftly and approaches Seokmin, spinning the younger around by his shoulders and steering him towards his bedroom. 

“Good for them…” Seokmin hears Joshua mumble under his breath on their way.

_ Yeah. Good for them. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Your room is so tidy,” Seokmin comments as Joshua watches his younger friend marvel at the sight of his bedroom, eyes falling on neatly arranged pillows and the few plushies adjacent to them before jumping to crisp arrays of manga lined cleanly on the shelves.

Joshua shrugs. “You’ve been here before, haven’t you?”

He knows he has. Seokmin had come over to study before, back in the fall, and Joshua remembers the strangely tense way the younger had trod into his room, stiff and polite. Like he was careful not to overstep. Joshua remembers smiling at him, telling him to relax and that  _ yes _ , Seokmin was allowed to be inside his room.

“Yeah, but I still get surprised everytime I’m here.” Seokmin keeps looking around the room. “Or maybe it’s just ‘cause I’m really messy.”

Joshua frowns a little at his words. He remembers how when he had last been over at Seokmin’s apartment, he had seen not even a thread from a pillow out of place, the same striped shirts in different colours hanging neatly in Seokmin’s closet and all his books and papers stacked neatly on his desk.

Seokmin sucks in a breath, like he just realized he said something wrong. Joshua is probably just imagining the flush in his red cheeks. “Uh...” He frantically glances around, eyes landing on the ceiling and on the floor before his gaze returns to the plushies on Joshua’s bed. “Aww, who’s this?” Seokmin picks up the stuffed Cinnamoroll.

Joshua laughs. “I got that a while ago. From one of those crane machines at the mall’s arcade.”

“It’s so cute, just like hyung! Shuamoroll!” Seokmin’s smile reaches his eyes, before falling almost comically, like he said something wrong again. 

And Joshua shouldn’t have stiffened at his words just now either. He knows that.

“I- um,” Seokmin looks at him panickedly, biting his lower lip. “That came out wrong, I wasn’t trying to be flirty or anything.”

Joshua knows he wasn’t. Joshua shouldn’t care that he wasn’t.

“It’s okay,” he lets out a giggle. It comes out more weakly than he intended. “I know you like someone else.”

He does. Seokmin likes Mingyu. Joshua knows that Seokmin likes Mingyu.

“Right.” Seokmin coughs into his sleeve. “Um, so- are we just gonna wait for Soonyoung and Jihoon to talk things out? Because that might take a long time.”

“Yeah,” Joshua agrees, before he remembers something else. “Hey! You should help me pick out a song for the showcase.”

Seokmin’s eyes light up. “You signed up after all?”

“Yeah,” Joshua nods enthusiastically. “Jihoon said it was okay.”

“I’m so glad!” Seokmin gushes, grabbing both of Joshua’s hands excitedly. “I just know you’ll be amazing, hyung.”

Seokmin continues to beam at him and Joshua feels like his neck is on fire. Seokmin’s hold on his hands lingers and if Joshua didn’t know any better, he’d believe it was on purpose.

Maybe Joshua left the heater on. Never mind that it’s still the summertime.

“So, any ideas?” he starts and before Seokmin can open his mouth to answer, Joshua hears a short, bleak buzz come from Seokmin’s pocket. Seokmin drops his hands to reach for his phone and Joshua strangely misses the touch.

_ What? _ No he doesn’t! That would be really weird of him. He shakes his head to himself. Luckily, Seokmin seems to be distracted by the text he received. Joshua watches him squint at the screen, a suspicious look on his face.

“What’s up?” he asks. Seokmin jerks his head up, alarmed.

“Nothing, nothing.” He holds up his hand defensively. “It’s just Mingyu.”

Joshua ignores the way his heart sinks at the name. He tries to smirk at Seokmin, wiggling his eyebrows. “Just Mingyu, huh?” he teases. Seokmin looks back down at his phone, eyes still filled with what Joshua thinks is panic. 

The younger huffs a little. “Um, I need to reply to him. Excuse me.” Seokmin practically sprints out of the room and Joshua frowns.

Right. He should let them have some alone time. Over text, but still. Speaking of alone time-

Joshua tiptoes to the entrance of his room, the door left slightly ajar when Seokmin didn’t close it all the way a few seconds ago. Feeling mischievous, Joshua leans towards the gap between the door and its frame, his ear practically sticking out the hole. Soonyoung and Jihoon aren’t being very quiet to begin with anyway. Or at least not until now.

“I’m sorry…” Joshua catches Jihoon’s uncharacteristically timid tone. “I’m sorry about everything.”

“You said that already, Ji,” Soonyoung replies quietly. “I told you, it’s okay-”

“But it’s not!” Joshua jumps, taken back by Jihoon’s shout of what didn’t sound like anger but rather sadness. “I’ve been such an ass to you. I don’t deserve to be forgiven like this. Not so easily..”

Joshua can hear Soonyoung’s reluctant smile. “Well, it’s not like I’m suddenly all happy with you right now but I just want us to take this first step to confront our feelings for each other. Jihoon, I-” Soonyoung exhales softly. “-I really don’t think this needs to be so hard.”

“I just think I don’t deserve you.” And there was the truth. The truth Joshua now knew Jihoon had on his mind all along. All this time, Jihoon had thrown brash defenses against Soonyoung’s attempts at trying to get closer to him when in reality he returned the feelings. Well, that much had been obvious all along. Jihoon had suppressed his feelings so deeply that he ended up just plain oblivious to how he actually felt.

“Is that really it?” Joshua hears Soonyoung ask breathlessly.

“I don’t know. Soons, I just don’t think I deserve having obvious feelings thrown at my face.”

“The fuck do you mean?” Soonyoung’s tone grows harsher.

“Ugh, that came out wrong.” Joshua slowly pokes his head through the gap so he can properly see his friends. Jihoon has a hand over his face, clearly frustrated. “I meant that I just think- um, you know how you’ve always been pretty obvious about how you felt?”

Soonyoung scoffs. “Yeah.”

“That’s- that’s kind of how everyone wishes that the person they’re interested in would behave.”

Joshua can’t help but agree with him. If only someone could look at Joshua that way, all obvious with their feelings. But maybe  _ he’s _ the one who doesn’t deserve it, not Jihoon. He watches Soonyoung trace circles on the carpeted floor with his toes, staring at the ground.

“So what’s wrong with that? Unless, you don’t like it in which case I-”

“That’s just it. Look, it’s not that I’m insecure about myself- or at least, I don’t think I am. And I do like it that you’re straight-forward about your feelings. I just- I just don’t think that this should go to waste on me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Soonyoung shakes his head, eyes flashing as he glances up again. “I want these obvious feelings-  _ my  _ obvious feelings- to be for you and only you. I don’t care how stupid I look.”

“But  _ I _ do. Can’t you see that?” Jihoon cries. “I don’t think you should accept me for who I am, at least not until I figure out a way to make this right with you.”

Soonyoung is quiet for a moment and Joshua holds his breath in anticipation. “If you’re apologizing to me, then shouldn’t I be the one who decides if you’ve made things right?”

A loud  _ thud _ interrupts them and Soonyoung and Jihoon turn to look at the bathroom. Quick and swift as a fox, Joshua sticks his head back into his room before they can catch him listening in on their conversation. “Sorry!” Seokmin’s muffled voice resounds from behind the bathroom door. There’s a pause, and then Joshua hears him laugh airily. “Oh, Gyu  _ stop  _ it!” 

_ Oh, Gyu. _

Joshua grits his teeth, the tip of his ears scarlet, he’s sure. What he’s not sure of it why the fuck Seokmin’s adorable little giggles pierce through his heart like the sharpest shards of glass. His adorable little giggles directed at Kim Mingyu, who probably doesn’t even like Seokmin back! Joshua fumes a little, mouth scrunched downwards.  _ Seokmin doesn’t deserve to be used like this, if that’s really what Mingyu’s doing. _

“Anyway,” Soonyoung resumes and Joshua blinks, turning his focus back on his other friends’ conversation. “I just think that you shouldn’t beat yourself up over this too much.”

Jihoon groans, throwing his head back. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I know you just made poor decisions on how to handle our situation. But you want to fix things, right?”

“Honestly?” Jihoon sighs. “More than anything, right now. I know I don’t deserve to have you still like me-”

“Fuck, can you stop saying that?” Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “I still like you, Jihoon. And you won’t be able to tell me to stop.”

His eyes soften again. “Listen, do you think I don’t recognize that you fucked up? And that I have every right to just drop everything we have?”

“Well-”

“But it’s up to  _ me _ . My feelings and what I choose to do with them are up to me. Like yes, I  _ do _ have enough self-respect that I’m not just gonna pretend we’re magically completely fine after this conversation. But I just want you to answer honestly for me, this one question-”

“Of course.”

“Lee Jihoon, do you like me? The way that I like you?” Soonyoung stares at him, unmoving and Jihoon stares back. Joshua stares at both of them, feeling like maybe he should step back into his room instead of eavesdropping.

Jihoon goes quiet again and suddenly Joshua wants to go up to him and throttle him by the throat.  _ Don’t mess this up. Please. _

“Yes.” Jihoon answers bravely and both Soonyoung and Joshua exhale, the latter more quietly.

Soonyoung lets out a tiny smile. “That’s all I ever wanted to know-”

“And I’m sorry that it took so long for me to admit it. Earlier, I found myself putting this blame on Seokmin because of...well, I think  _ you _ know what happened.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung chuckles awkwardly. 

_ What? What happened?  _ Joshua wants to know so badly what they’re talking about. But Jihoon just shrugs and continues. “I was using Minnie’s flower thing as an excuse to shut your feelings out. ‘Cause I thought it contradicted everything else. But I wouldn’t admit it and I’m sorry, again. I was a jerk and I promise that I’m gonna try to-  _ no _ , I’m definitely gonna do better from now on. I won’t put up this stupid front I have because of- well, I guess maybe I am insecure about some things.”

He pauses to take a breath. “But I want to work through it, because you know what? I’m sick of being afraid of what will happen with us. And I’m sick of self-sabotaging. Soonyoung, I want to earn your full forgiveness properly, if you give me the chance to. Whether it’s as friends or anything more. If there’s anything I can do at this moment, please let me know.”

“Thank you,” Soonyoung nods. “I think- I think that we still have to have some more conversations about just...everything. But I want to be an encouraging friend, or whatever, for you as you work through these issues. And I can assure you that I’m not gonna romanticize the way you’ve acted, or anything- trust me. I’ll hold you accountable for the way you made me feel but I’ve also decided for myself that I still want to try to make our relationship more healthy.”

Jihoon takes a step closer to him. “So, what does this make us?”

Soonyoung looks down again, shuffling his feet. “Well, I don’t know if we’re ready to jump into anything-”

“Completely understandable,” Jihoon nods firmly in agreement. “I want to be the best version of myself for you too.”

“But don’t say that you don’t deserve me or my obvious feelings,” Soonyoung laughs, more lightly this time and Joshua thinks the tension that’s been hanging in the air this whole time is finally fading away.

“I won’t,” Jihoon chuckles. “I do need to work on combating my specific insecurity about this, though.”

“Yeah,” Soonyoung tilts his head to the side. “In the meantime, do you want to see my re-choreographed dance? I fixed some stuff again.”

“I do,” Jihoon answers sincerely. “When?”

“Now’s as good of a time as any! I think the practice room in my dorm’s basement is still open.”

“Soons, it’s getting pretty late,” Jihoon rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “But hey, why not?”

“And maybe we can just...see where we go from there. You know?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon nods with genuine enthusiasm and Joshua can’t help but smile to himself.

_ I’m happy for them _ , he thinks, as he watches his two friends calmly push open the door out of his apartment. Jihoon catches his eye before he shuts the door behind him and Joshua hopes he’s ready to start being happy too.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**(9:14 PM)**

**gyu-kaku: heyyyyy wyd rn**

Ugh. Seokmin  _ really  _ doesn’t need this right now. Joshua looks at him with curious eyes.

“What’s up?” he asks and Seokmin looks up so fast he feels like his neck just snapped.

“Nothing, nothing.” He knows he responded a little too quickly. “It’s just Mingyu.”

“Just Mingyu, huh?” Joshua gives him a knowing look and Seokmin’s heart sinks to his stomach for the millionth time. Of course Joshua would be happy for him. Of course Joshua would be encouraging of his so-called crush on Mingyu.

Of course Joshua wouldn't give a shit who Seokmin had feelings for.

**(9:15 PM)**

**diqué: at shua’s**

**diqué: why**

**gyu-kaku: ooooohhooooooohhooooohoooohoo**

**gyu-kaku: uhhhhh need a favour hehe**

**gyu-kaku: wait actually yeah this is good cuz**

**gyu-kaku: The Plan bb**

**gyu-kaku: yeah can you video chat rn hehe**

_ Fucking hell _ . Seokmin sucks in his breath. He can’t let Joshua see these texts. “Um, I need to reply to him. Excuse me.” 

He frantically speedwalks out of Joshua’s room towards the bathroom, phone still in hand. Locking the door, he shuts the lid of the toilet and takes a cautious seat on cold porcelain. 

**(9:16 PM)**

**diqué: what. about. it.**

**gyu-kaku: pls**

**gyu-kaku: i’m at cheol and han’s new place and wonu still won’t talk to me.**

**diqué: ??????? what’s going on**

**gyu-kaku: pls seokmin just for a few minutes**

Seokmin sighs. Mingyu was so ridiculous. Then again, so was he, honestly. They were both ridiculous people with a ridiculous plan. Still, Seokmin hits the video call icon on their chat and there’s a blip and a few beeps before Mingyu’s blurry face comes into view. His friend shifts around to focus his camera and Seokmin spots Wonwoo sitting in a lawn chair in the background, reading a book like a cartoon man reading a newspaper and  _ who brings a book to their friends’ house tour? _

“HEY!” Mingyu yells and Seokmin flinches back at the screech from the audio feedback. “WHAT’S UP, SEOKMIN? IT’S SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU!”

“I’M FANTASTIC, HOW ABOUT YOU?” Seokmin plays along, mirroring Mingyu’s volume before realizing he didn’t answer the question correctly. “Uh, I mean not much-”

“I’M ALSO DOING REALLY WELL-”

“How about you-”

“NOTHING MUCH.” And  _ wow, what a mess. _ Seokmin watches as Wonwoo raises his head slightly, looking up from his book. He’s far enough from the camera that Seokmin can’t see the look on his face but he has a pretty good idea of what he’s thinking.

“Uhh...” he starts slowly. But it’s okay, because he and Mingyu both took improv in high school, thinking it would be an easy A. They had actually ended up enjoying themselves and Seokmin hopes Mingyu will also put those skills to use.  _ Now _ . 

“So uh, did you still want to go kayaking this weekend?”

“Yes, of course!” Mingyu gushes. “Good thing you reminded me- not that I forgot. I always remember everything we plan together!”

“Me too!” Seokmin matches his enthusiasm, grinning widely. 

“You have such a brilliant memory!” Mingyu exclaims and they continue to elaborate loudly on their “weekend plans”. Seokmin watches Wonwoo shift in his seat uncomfortably in the background, looking back and forth from Mingyu to his book and then at Mingyu again. He can hear Jihoon and Soonyoung’s conversation from the living room gradually rising in volume and his mind jumps to what Joshua’s doing. Was he suspicious of Seokmin running out earlier?

At one point, he fumbles his phone, dropping it on turquoise tiles. A loud  _ thud _ echoes and Seokmin yells out a “Sorry!” before turning back to the conversation.

“Ah, so clumsy,” Mingyu teases from the other end.

“Oh, Gyu stop it!”

He’s about to launch back into what they should wear to go kayaking when to his surprise, Wonwoo rises from his seat and starts to make his way towards them. Eyes flashing, Seokmin tries to signal to Mingyu what’s happening. Luckily, his friend seems to get the hint and Seokmin notices how he straightens his posture subtly, chest puffing out boisterously.

“Yeah, so anyway,” Mingyu stretches his arms out, yawning. “What time should we meet?”

“Hmm, what a good question!” Seokmin pretends to think. “Maybe at ten-”

And suddenly Wonwoo’s displeased face comes into focus as he peers over Mingyu’s shoulder. “Hey, Seok,” he greets quietly. “Sorry, but I couldn’t help but overhear that you’re planning on going kayaking?”

“Yup,” Seokmin struggles to contain his excitement.  _ Did that really just work? _

He can tell that Wonwoo is purposely making a point to only ask about Seokmin’s plans to “kayak”. And that Mingyu looks miffed about it, not glancing at the man behind him. Which one of them was Wonwoo even annoyed with? Probably both, realistically.

“ _ Well _ , I don’t know if the weather’s really cut out for kayaking right now. It’s supposed to be  _ incredibly  _ rainy this weekend.“

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Mingyu says with gritted teeth. “Or we’ll just do something else.  _ Together _ .”

“Together,” Seokmin echoes, nodding fervently and Wonwoo’s eye twitches like a comic book villain.

“Well, good luck with that,” he bites and Mingyu finally looks over his shoulder.

“Thank you _ hyung _ \- I will!” 

“I was talking to Seokmin.”

“Well, I was talking to you.”

_ Direct hit _ , Seokmin laughs to himself and Wonwoo practically sputters, scowl deepening like he’s having trouble thinking of a clever retort. “Whatever, you two,” he finally mutters. “I’m gonna go find Kkhuma.”

He turns on his heels and stomps towards the house. Seokmin senses how Mingyu wants to look back at Wonwoo. 

He doesn’t. Also- “Who’s Kkhuma?”

“Ah. Cheol’s new puppy.” 

“Woah, what? I wanna see the puppy!” Seokmin stands up excitedly, knocking over a soap dispenser next to the sink. As he puts it back, Mingyu chuckles.

“You should come over here too! We’re all watching a movie.”

Seokmin imagines Mingyu and Wonwoo seated on opposite ends of the couch, as far away from each other as possible while Seungcheol and Jeonghan laugh with each other, in an attempt to ease the awkward tension that they didn’t even know the reason for. He shakes his head. “It’s getting late.”

“Eh, is it? It’s only almost ten and-”

“Seokmin?”

Seokmin looks up, hearing a knock and voice from behind the bathroom door interrupting the conversation. Joshua knocks gently again. “Are you alright?”

“So concerned,” Mingyu tsks quietly from behind the screen and Seokmin shoots him a glare.

“I’m okay, hyung! Just talking to Mingyu.”

“Still?” Joshua sounds disappointed. Or maybe that’s just him. Seokmin shakes his head at himself.  _ Everyday I wake up and choose to cling onto hope that you might feel the same way.  _

“Yeah, uh…do you want to talk to him too?” Seokmin grimaces. Joshua probably thinks this is part of  _ their _ plan (and whose fault is that?).

“Um, yeah sure...” 

“Okay.” Seokmin opens the door for him as nonchalantly as he’s able to. “Here he is!” he exclaims nervously, holding up his phone.

“Hey, hyung! How goes it?” Mingyu flashes a smile at Joshua and the older man waves back casually. He gives Seokmin a look, as if to confirm that they were going to put on an act for Mingyu. Seokmin nods back at him and Joshua clicks his tongue.

“I’m good. Are you okay? Seokmin ran to the bathroom to talk to you.”

“Oh, really?” Mingyu replies carefully and a panicked look appears on Joshua’s face. Seokmin can tell that he thought he just exposed him. Oops.

“Uh, I was kidding!” Joshua laughs far too loudly. “He’s been hanging out with  _ me _ , after all.”

Seokmin tries not to let the stress Joshua added to the word  _ me _ tug at his heartstrings.  _ Me. Him. Me. Us. _

“Ahaha!” Mingyu forces a laugh back. “Well uh, why are you guys hanging out?”

Joshua just shoots him a pointed look. Before Seokmin can try to stop himself from overthinking the action, Joshua puts his arm around him to pull him closer. Seokmin feels his cheeks burn at the touch and  _ wow _ is he such a walking cliche.

“We’re just spending time together, Gyu. Why? Can’t I hang out with him?”

_ Oh. He’s really good at this pretending thing.  _ Seokmin looks at him but Joshua only stares intently at the screen. Mingyu smiles tauntingly and Seokmin is aware that it’s at his own expense but Joshua thinks it’s at his. “I never said that! In fact, that’s great- just- just wonderful! I hope you guys are having the best time!” he mocks, his voice dripping with dramatic sarcasm.

“We are!” Joshua bites back passive-aggressively. “I  _ always _ have fun with Seokmin.”

Seokmin hopes that part was sincere. Fuck, he really hopes it is.

“Well- me too!” Mingyu practically yells. “Josh, did you know- the other day, Seokmin and I went kayaking! Together!”

“You did?” And  _ ah _ , Seokmin is probably just imagining how Joshua’s face drops at the statement.  _ Acting, he’s acting! _ Seokmin decides that Joshua is a fantastic actor. Then again, Seokmin already thinks that Joshua is amazing at everything.

“Yup!” Mingyu lies through his teeth and Seokmin nods, lying along with him. “He almost fell out of the boat but I used my super strong muscles to help him up!”

Seokmin also decides that Mingyu is a horrible actor. But Joshua just goes quiet, like he believes Mingyu anyway. “You did?” he repeats in an even smaller voice, before he looks at Seokmin as if to ask  _ why didn’t you tell me this?  _ His arm around Seokmin’s shoulder goes limp and Seokmin feels a stab at his chest.

“Yes!” Mingyu snipes. Seokmin opens his mouth to speak up but suddenly, Joshua’s grip around his shoulders tightens again and a pair of lips crash against Seokmin’s cheek.

Seokmin tastes hot lava in his mouth. Joshua raises an eyebrow at Mingyu as he pulls away before Seokmin can take in the feeling. The taller man looks absolutely shocked but Seokmin knows it doesn’t compete with the incredulity on his own face. Joshua. Kissed. His. Cheek. 

There’s a pause, then- “Don’t you have a dog to go play with or something?”

“Kkhuma!” Mingyu’s eyes flash in excitement and he turns away from the camera. “Cheol! Where did Kkhuma go-  _ oh _ nooo...”

He tilts the camera to the left and Wonwoo’s approaching figure returns. Seokmin sucks in a breath. He’ll have to daydream blissfully about this kiss later.  _ Ah shit _ . He and Mingyu exchange an anxious look and Seokmin knows he has to get Joshua out of the bathroom.

“Ummmm hey, hyung?”

“What is it?” Joshua squeezes his arm and Seokmin has to kick himself internally. Joshua’s just acting. Acting with a capital A.

“I, um- do you remember how you said you’d take me to the, um-”  _ Fuck, where do people go on dates to?  _ “-The um, amusement park? On- on Wednesday?”

Wonwoo is about a metre away from them. Mingyu turns the camera away again so Joshua doesn’t see him coming. “You’re going to the amusement park?” he gasps fakely.

Joshua widens his eyes and nods. “Yup. Yeah! I’m really excited-” 

“Who’s going to the amusement park?” Wonwoo cuts in. Mingyu grits his teeth at Seokmin and Seokmin can only return the look.

“Well-”

“Nobody-”

“Me and Seok-”

Wonwoo raises his hands as they all speak at once. “Was that really that hard of a question to answer?”

“Nah. Seokmin and I are going to the amusement park on Wednesday.” Joshua tells Wonwoo. He turns back to Seokmin, smiling genuinely at the younger man. Seokmin swallows hard and who does Joshua think he is? Smiling like that and expecting to get away with it.

“That’s nice,” Wonwoo replies with a shrug before  _ oh no _ \- Seokmin watches a smirk spread across his face. “Mingyu. What do you think about this?”

“Uh.” Mingyu only pauses for a split second before he scoffs exaggeratedly. “I think the amusement park is a very nice place to go with your friend.”

“My friend Joshua!” Seokmin jumps in before Joshua can say something that will give away their plan not to Mingyu but to  _ Wonwoo _ . Because if Wonwoo caught wind that something was up between him and Joshua, he’d find out what was up between Seokmin and  _ Mingyu _ .

“Anyway!” Mingyu cuts in right after. “I’m gonna go find Kkhuma. Have fun on your date, guys!”

“Date?” Wonwoo narrows his eyes in suspicion. Fuck, Seokmin will have to do damage control with him later.

“It’s a figure of speech-” he tries but Joshua interrupts him, taking the cell phone from Seokmin.

“Yeah, it’s a date,” Joshua says confidently. “And don’t blab to anyone else about it.”

Seokmin stares at him as he presses the ‘end call’ button without warning. Joshua just nonchalantly hands him the phone. He raises his eyebrow at Seokmin’s perplexed expression.

“What? You were talking yourself into a corner.”

“It was that obvious?” Seokmin blurts out without thinking. Joshua laughs.

“I mean, yeah- I thought the plan was that Mingyu would think you and I were going on a date. Was that not it?”

“Um…” Seokmin chooses his next words more carefully. “It is the plan. However, I didn’t plan on Wonwoo knowing.”

“Does it matter if he knows? He’s not involved with this.”

“Yes, but-” Seokmin realizes he doesn’t have an answer for this. “Hey, why’d you tell Mingyu Wednesday?” Seokmin asks him before Joshua can keep asking about Wonwoo. “Isn’t Wednesday like- I don’t know, the least romantic day of the week?”

“I’m pretty sure the honour goes to Monday for that one,” Joshua says matter-of-factly.

“Um, okay yeah!” He has another question. “So uh, are we going then?” he asks in a tiny voice.

“Going where?”

“The amusement park?...”  _ Great going, you just embarrassed yourself again. He was just pretending for Mingyu. Pretending for you. _

“Sure.”

“Wait, really?” Seokmin widens his eyes. “Uh, I mean-  _ cool _ .”

Joshua nods slowly, meeting his eyes. “Yeah, why not? We can take cute photos on the ferris wheel or something-”

_ Is this a dream? Is this really happening?  _

“-So that you can show Mingyu!”

_ Oh. Never mind. _

Seokmin tries not to slouch and give away his dejection. Fuck, if he’d never lie to Joshua again if he could have him the way Seokmin wanted. Well, with Joshua’s enthusiastic agreement and consent, obviously. 

But that was never going to happen and Seokmin needs to stop pretending that there’s a chance it could.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua didn’t have to do that.

He didn’t have to kiss Seokmin on the cheek- if he had gone kayaking with Mingyu, that meant that things were moving along well with them. That was wonderful news!

It should be.

“So, uh,” Seokmin starts, arms crossed as they exit the bathroom. Joshua had just explained to him why Jihoon and Soonyoung left and Seokmin cheered for them. “It’s getting late. I should get home.”

“Yeah, it is.” Joshua chokes out. He doesn’t want Seokmin to go. That much is obvious. What’s not is why. “Hey, how’s the new rooming situation, by the way?”

“Oh, man,” Seokmin shakes his head, a mixture of disbelief and irritation on his face. “Living with Hansol  _ and  _ Boo is a nightmare, hyung. It’s only been a few days but I- where do I even start? Boo won’t stop singing-”

“Don’t you do the same thing?”

“Well, maybe but he does it nonstop, Joshua-hyung.  _ Nonstop _ .”

“...Like I said, don’t you do the sa-   
  


“And he eats all of Hansol’s snacks so Hansol eats all of my snacks and then I don’t have any more snacks!” Seokmin continues, voice growing higher. “And I walked it on them going at it too so that’s just great! They’re surprisingly quiet, actually. There’s no room for me left in that apartment. It was small enough to begin with but now it’s even smaller, you know?”

“I see-”

“So I was gonna stay at Minghao’s but then he-” Seokmin stops and clamps his mouth shut. Joshua doesn’t dwell on it- probably just another secret he’s not allowed to know. “So I went to Soonyoung’s but I guess that’s not happening now. Guess I’m going back to my place, then-”

“You can stay over.” The words leave Joshua’s mouth before he can stop them. Not that he would, right? That was a reasonable offer to make to a friend.

Seokmin goes quiet again. “Oh, it’s alright, hyung. I wouldn’t want to impose-”

“Impose on what?” Joshua practically laughs. “I- Seokmin, it’s literally just me and the one succulent Jeonghan forgot to take with him. And all the furniture that he didn’t bring with him. Either way, you wouldn’t be imposing.”

He’s still quiet. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. You’re welcome to stay here tonight. Um, maybe even more nights if you need to.”

_ Again, a reasonable offer _ , Joshua tells himself. Seokmin looks at the ground.

“If you’re sure…”

“Yeah. Seriously don’t worry about it,” Joshua says like  _ he’s _ not the one worrying about it.

“Oh-okay. Thank you, Shua-hyung. Y-you’re the best,” Seokmin stammers. “Shall I stay in Jeonghan’s old room?”

“Um, he took his sheets and duvet and everything so it’s just a mattress and a bedframe.”

“I don’t mind!”

Joshua stares at him in horror. “Well,  _ I  _ mind. Seokmin, you can stay here in my room. I’ll take the couch.”

“But-”

“No buts!” Joshua gently shoves him back into the bedroom. “Let me find a pyjama shirt you can borrow.”

“Oh, I brought my own,” Seokmin points at the backpack on the floor of Joshua’s room.

“Ah, okay.” Joshua doesn’t know why that disappoints him. “Cool. If you need anything else-”

“Then, I’ll let you know.” Seokmin smiles at him earnestly. “Thanks again, hyung.”

Joshua leaves him to get ready for bed. He brushes his teeth after Seokmin takes a shower and he moves one of his warmer blankets over to the living room. When he goes back to his room to fetch a pillow, Seokmin is curled up on his bed, arms wrapped around Joshua’s stuffed Cinnamoroll (Seokmin’s adorable “Shuamoroll!” replays in his head). Joshua studies him, from the little mole on his cheek to the way the part in his hair falls over his eyebrows. He looks tiny in the oversized pyjama shirt and the Cinnamoroll is squished against his face.

Joshua’s heart does somersaults down to his stomach. He catches himself, and grabs the pillow he was looking for before forcing his legs to turn and walk back as quickly as he can.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Hey,” a voice breaks Seokmin’s train of thought. He slowly turns his head to his left and there’s Hansol. On Seokmin’s other side, Wonwoo snores loudly in the single bed- he’d been sleeping better since he claimed it and made Hansol switch with him to sleep on the double with Seokmin. _

_ Hansol looks uncomfortable. “What’s up, buddy?” Seokmin tries to crack a smile at him. _

_ “I just-” Hansol’s eyes flicker from Seokmin’s face to the ceiling and then to Seokmin’s face again. “-Are you still thinking about him?” _

_ “Who?” Of course Seokmin knows who. _

_ “Joshua.” _

_ “Yeah,” Seokmin swallows down the bubble of a sob. Fuck, he hasn’t stopped thinking about Joshua from the beginning of this trip and now it’s the last day and Wonwoo’s futile attempt at helping him and Hansol hasn’t succeeded, to say the least. _

_ “Okay,” is all Hansol says. He doesn’t turn back around, though. _

_ “Why? Are you still thinking about Hao?” _

_ Hansol rolls onto his back with a sigh. “No,” he admits and Seokmin takes back what he thought- at least this weird trip helped one of them get over their stupid feelings. _

_ “That’s good, right?” _

_ “I suppose,” Hansol frowns. “But…” _

_ “But what?” _

_ Hansol doesn’t reply and Seokmin sticks his arm out of the blanket to poke at his roommate’s shoulder. “But what?” he repeats. _

_ “But I’ve been thinking about someone else.” _

_ And  _ woah _. Seokmin didn’t expect  _ that _. “Someone I know?” He wants to ask if it’s- _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “From the group?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ Ah. “Are you gonna do anything about it?” _

_ Hansol scoffs. “What’s the point? Confessing didn’t go so well last time.” _

_ “But this could be different,” Seokmin points out. He has a strong feeling that he knows who Hansol is talking about. “You never know- he might feel the same way.” _

_ “We’ve been friends for so long I don’t think it’s even a possibility that he could,” Hansol mumbles before his eyes go big. “I just gave away who it is, didn’t I?” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin’s still in the same position on the bed when Joshua returns to his bedroom. The older pokes gently at his arm and Seokmin hums and stirs, stretching his arms out. 

“Hm, hyung? You okay?”

“Ah, Seokminnie- you see, hyung can’t really sleep...” Well that wasn’t a lie! The couch was scratchier than he remembered. That wasn’t Joshua’s fault. “Is it uh, alright if I- we- yeah, um…” 

“I told you I could take the couch, hyung.” Seokmin starts to sit up in the bed, ready to leave for the living room.

“No, I meant can we share the bed?” Was that weird? Was he being creepy? Joshua shouldn’t feel all hot like this.  _ It’s the summer weather _ , he insists to himself.

“I, um- yeah!” Seokmin’s voice cracks again and Joshua wants to jump out the window. “Sure!”

He moves the blanket out of the way and shifts his body as he pats the space beside him. “There you go!”

“Uh. Cool. Thanks.” Suddenly a robot, Joshua tentatively moves into the spot next to Seokmin- this is his own fucking bed, why is he so nervous? Seokmin moves the blanket up again and covers them both, patting the warm duvet to arrange it comfortably around Joshua and Joshua finds himself snuggling closer into the centre of the bed towards Seokmin.

“Mm, goodnight Shua-hyung...” Seokmin yawns quietly. It’s cute. He’s cute. Whatever.

“Goodnight, Minnie,” Joshua squeaks out. Seokmin closes his eyes, still facing Joshua. Joshua watches his eyelids fall gently, his lips parting softly as Seokmin collapses into slumber once more.

He’s staring, he knows it. But how can he help himself when Seokmin looks so cuddly, so soft and warm. Joshua adores the younger boy and he’d do anything for him. Like help him win the attention of somebody else even though Joshua just really-

Wait.  _ Wait _ .

Oh.

  
_ Oh _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mutual pining has entered the chat


	17. Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, I had to split a long chapter into two parts. Here's the first one :)

_ No. No. _

_ No. _

Joshua bolts upright, almost hitting the back of his head on his bed’s headboard. He looks panickedly from Seokmin, to the wall behind him, then back to Seokmin, and then at his Cinnamoroll plushie still pressed against the younger man’s cheeks. And  _ aww _ \- wait no! No! Joshua chokes back the bubble of worry in his throat.

He can’t like Seokmin like- like  _ that _ , can he? There’s no way, maybe he’s just so tired and emotional about everything else going on right now that he’s making stuff up in his head. There’s no way Joshua has a crush on Seokmin- that would be a very,  _ very  _ sad and pathetic turn of events. He’s all too aware that the sweet boy snoring quietly beside him likes someone else. Seokmin is pining over Kim fucking Mingyu, all two hundred whatever centimetres of that bumbling fool. No offense to Mingyu, of course- Joshua treasures him as one of his own good friends but- but  _ Mingyu?  _ Why does Seokmin have to like Mingyu?

(Why does Seokmin have to like someone who isn’t Joshua?)

He stares down at his lap in horror, not letting himself look at Seokmin any longer. But the light from the street outside is too bright and the summer night isn’t as dark as he’d hoped.

Joshua can’t like him like that. He just can’t. He can’t fall for someone who already has someone else on their mind. 

Not again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokmin can't sleep.

He’s unable to tear his gaze away from the gentle  _ up down up down _ flutter of Joshua's eyelids, the soft exhales drawn from his mouth, the little whines that accompany the breaths every so often, and Seokmin replays all of it. He replays the feeling of Joshua's lips on his cheek ("Guess someone's never gonna wash that side of their face again," Mingyu had teased over text later. Seokmin left him on read for that).

_ Stop it, _ he reminds himself. He didn’t want Joshua to worry about him, so Seokmin had pretended to be asleep before. Eventually, Joshua stopped stirring in the bed and Seokmin opened his eyes. The realness of the situation set in as he stared at the older man, shaky fingers still clutching Joshua’s Cinnamoroll plushie. 

_ He doesn't want you like that. You’re just a close friend to him and that's all you'll ever be. _

But it takes everything in him to stop from snuggling closer, to resist poking at bunny cheeks and leaning over to kiss pink lips that look so soft and  _ fuck _ , Seokmin wants to kiss him so badly. He won’t, obviously- he knows that it is probably very illegal and also incredibly creepy to kiss someone while they’re unconscious. Still, the thought- albeit a cheesy one- of himself being some kind of Prince Charming destined to wake Joshua up with a kiss like the latter was Sleeping Beauty makes Seokmin giddy all over again at two in the morning.

But this wasn’t a fairytale and Seokmin couldn’t be Joshua’s prince, no matter how much he wanted to try. He shuts his eyes, forcing himself to roll back on his side away from Joshua and his adorable sleeping face. Fuck, why was he still going along with Mingyu’s awful plan anyway? It didn’t seem like it was going to work for much longer, with Wonwoo’s growing suspicion over the video call and Mingyu’s terrible acting that was somehow getting worse. And what would he do if Joshua found out? Would Seokmin even still have him as a friend anymore if he knew what was going on?

A sudden  _ ping _ interrupts his train of worry and Seokmin glances at the blue glow lighting up his phone screen. Groggily reaching for his device, he squints at the message.

**(2:03 AM)**

**wonwoohoo: sus af**

_ Uh oh.  _ Seokmin slowly sits up in the bed as he tries to formulate an eloquent reply to Wonwoo in his head. He hopes Wonwoo doesn’t have read receipts turned on.

**(2:05 AM)**

**diqué: ??????**

_ Nice. That’ll show him. _

**(2:06 AM)**

**wonwoohoo: I’m sus about about you**

**wonwoohoo: And Gyu**

**wonwoohoo: Like ???????**

**wonwoohoo: Just got a feeling that’s all**

**diqué: i mean**

**diqué: idk what ur talking about haha**

**diqué: feeling about what**

**wonwoohoo: Like**

Seokmin watches the text bubble appear and disappear over and over until-

**(2:14 AM)**

**wonwoohoo: Why are you and mingyu flirting**

**wonwoohoo: Or whatever**

**wonwoohoo: The kayaking thing is just like**

**wonwoohoo: Just super sus, man**

_ Shit. _ But he can’t say he didn’t see this coming.

**(2:16 AM)**

**diqué: why do you care, though?**

**diqué: do you like him?**

**wonwoohoo: No LMAOOOOO**

**wonwoohoo: HAHAHAHA**

**wonwoohoo: You are truly comedian of the year Lee Seokmin I am on the floor**

**(2:18 AM)**

**wonwoohoo: Sorry, I am still laughing!**

**(2:21 AM)**

**wonwoohoo: Hey look I’m just curious alright**

**wonwoohoo: I thought you liked josh**

**wonwoohoo: So like idk just don’t lead Gyu on or whatever**

Seokmin stifles a laugh.

**(2:23 AM)**

**diqué: hmmmm you think mingyu likes me?**

**wonwoohoo: Idk maybe**

**wonwoohoo: Not that it matters to me because I literally don’t care if he does bro**

**wonwoohoo: I’m just wary**

**wonwoohoo: Something’s up and I’m gonna find out what**

**diqué: yeah okay goodnight hyung!**

Wonwoo’s text bubble immediately returns and Seokmin turns off his phone and puts it back on Joshua’s nightstand. He’ll deal with Wonwoo and the imaginary fist he’s waving at Seokmin through the phone- tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that, who knows? Either way, he’s going to sleep. For real, now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The first thing that pops into Joshua’s head when he wakes up is the realization that it’s Tuesday, which shouldn’t be surprising because yesterday was Monday and tomorrow is Wednesday and fuck, he has a date tomorrow. A date with Seokmin.

_ A date. _ With Lee Seokmin. What has he gotten himself into?

“So, uh tomorrow…” Seokmin fidgets with his cereal, his spoon clanking too loudly against the ceramic bowl as he stirs the Froot Loops violently. Joshua stands beside him at the kitchen counter. It’s somehow too formal to sit down and yet standing side-by-side next to the sink is still awkward and weird and  _ fuck _ , Joshua doesn’t want to make things even more awkward and weird with his stupid feelings and  _ Seokmin doesn’t like you like that, it’s is a waste of time to even think about this- _

“It’s not an actual date, right?” Seokmin asks him and the pain in Joshua’s chest spreads.

“Of course not,” he tries to smile back. “We just need to take enough photos for Mingyu to think that it  _ is _ a date.”

“Right, of course,” Seokmin nods far too quickly for Joshua’s liking, looking back down at his breakfast. “Don’t worry, hyung. I won’t make things weird,” he laughs nervously, as if he doesn’t want Joshua to get the wrong idea. “I know I’m probably one of the last people you’d ever consider going out with, right?” 

_ Wrong. _

“Definitely. I would never be interested in you.” Joshua lies and he swears he sees Seokmin’s smile tremble and the almost hopeful expression on his face crumble. There goes Joshua’s mind again, making him notice things that aren’t even there!

“No offense,” he tacks on without thinking. “You’re a very sweet dongsaeng and I love the time we spend together-”  _ Stop it, you’re being too obvious _ . “-But I just- just  _ no _ . It’s not gonna happen,” he stammers, the last sentence directed more at himself than to Seokmin. “We’re just friends and I don’t-”

“I get it, I know,” Seokmin interrupts him, his face red and  _ shit _ , did Joshua just give himself away? “Don’t worry, hyung. I’m not- It’s cool. I understand.”

The cheery tone of his giggle hurts. It really,  _ really  _ hurts and Joshua can’t do anything but smile bitterly down at his cornflakes. Seokmin clears his throat as he places his ceramic bowl into the sink.

“We can uh, finally pick the song you’re gonna sing for the showcase right now,” he suggests. “If you don’t have anywhere to be right now, of course.”

“I’m free the whole day,” Joshua says. “Are you gonna go see everyone later?” He had checked the group chat right before bed and found out about some impromptu beach day to help Soonyoung and the dance team film something.

“Yup. You’re not coming right? I know how sand makes you sneeze,” Seokmin jokes and  _ who cares if he remembers that? It doesn’t mean anything. _

“I’m not going, no,” Joshua affirms, reaching for his phone. “Want to look at my playlists now, then?”

“Of course,” Seokmin smiles genuinely at him and Joshua plasters on a grin, as if nothing’s wrong and he hasn’t just gotten himself into the biggest mess ever.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The sun spits its glare in Seokmin’s face. He squints, shielding his eyes as he chuckles lightly at Chan swatting at Junhui and Soonyoung. The maknae is frowning but clearly enjoying the goofy jabs.

“So, Channie! Are you ready for uni?” Junhui messes up Chan’s hair and Soonyoung punches his arm playfully. 

“Hm, I guess I don’t have a choice, right? I’m already registered for my courses and everything.”

“Yeah, but are you excited, though?” Seungkwan hops off of the large log beside them and throws an arm around Chan. “Big adjustment.”

“I am,” Chan reassures him. “It’ll be nice to see everyone on a semi-regular basis.”

“Except Jeonghan-hyung and Seungcheol-hyung,” Minghao points out as he walks up to him. The two oldest of the group had graduated with their bachelor’s degrees in the spring. Jeonghan was ready to do his master’s degree in accounting at another university nearby while Seungcheol had earned a prestigious research position at a company that had ties to the aquarium he used to work at.

“True,” Chan shrugs a little sadly. “At least Shua-hyung’s still gonna be here for another year.”

“Yeah, his major requires five years to complete at minimum,” Junhui recalls. 

Soonyoung reaches for the camera. “I’m gonna check how our last recording went. So uh, take five guys.”

Seokmin watches as the rest of the dancers scatter. Minghao and Junhui walk back towards the water while Chan picks up an unusually long stick and hikes towards the concession stands. Soonyoung takes a seat next to him on the log and Seungkwan plops down on Seokmin’s other side.

While the dance captain clicks through the camera with a thoughtful look on his face, Seungkwan elbows Seokmin in the ribs. “So! I heard  _ someone  _ stayed over at Joshua’s place last night.”

“What about it?” Seokmin elbows him back. “Can you blame me? You and Hansol haven’t been the easiest to live with, honestly.”

Seungkwan narrows his eyes and Seokmin doesn’t want this to turn into a fight. He doesn't like fighting with his friends. “Look, I just- it was really out of the blue and I don’t want to third-wheel you two, okay? And I told you to stop taking my snacks.”

“That was Hansollie, you know it was him!”

“Way to throw your man under the bus,” Soonyoung remarks, still looking through the camera. Seungkwan looks like he wants to make another snarky defense but fortunate, Soonyoung cuts in again.

“Boo’s right about one thing- what’s actually going on with you and Shua-hyung?”

“I just stayed over,” Seokmin shrugs, even though he’s jumping on the inside at the idea of mentioning the kiss on the cheek he had mooned over about last night. And this morning.  _ And _ during the car ride to the beach with Minghao driving.  _ And _ the fact that he had a  _ not-date _ with Joshua tomorrow. Except then he’d have to provide context for that and that was a capital red  _ nope _ . “Nothing happened. We’re just friends.”

“ _ For now, _ ” Seungkwan sing-songs. Soonyoung starts mumbling something else but Seokmin tunes him out, burying his face in his hands, like it was somehow Seungkwan’s fault that he’s still building up hope in his heart that maybe,  _ maybe _ he still had a chance. He knows he’s just doing it to himself at this point and that he’s probably just-

“-Setting yourself up for heartbreak,” Soonyoung finally looks up, shooting Seokmin a sympathetic expression. “Seriously, I’m worried that both of you are gonna end up getting hurt.”

“Who, me and Shua? Or me and Kwan? What does he-”

“ _ No _ . You and Gyu.”

Seokmin almost falls backwards off the log. “How do you know about that?” he practically shrieks.

Soonyoung just cackles at his shock. “Blame Xu Minghao and his loose lips when he drinks.”

Seokmin follows his gaze out to the open sea, where Minghao is trying to run from Junhui splashing water at him. Even from a distance, he can tell that Minghao is sticking his tongue out at the older man, while Junhui cackles as he tries to chase him through the water.

“We get it! You guys are cute and shit,” Soonyoung shakes his head in mock despair. Out of nowhere, Minghao falls over in the water and they all double over with laughter as Junhui extends a hand out to him, only to be pulled down into the sea too.

“I don’t get it,” Seungkwan remarks. 

“I don’t get  _ them, _ ” Soonyoung corrects him. “Seriously, if there’s anyone who’s been pretending the longest, it’s those two. I can barely run an entire dance practice without them flirting like it’s normal for two friends to do that.”

“That’s the thing,” Seokmin points out. “It  _ is _ normal for them.”

He’s tempted to tell them about Minghao and Junhui’s current situation- Minghao had spilled the beans about his plan with Mingyu, after all. But before he can say anything, Seungkwan turns back to Seokmin to shake him by the shoulders. “And you! What did you mean before? What did Minghao say?”

Seokmin switches to debating whether he should admit to anything about  _ his  _ secret but luckily, Soonyoung distracts them both not a second later. He giggles down at his phone, the camera and its contents quickly forgotten. Seokmin checks his screen and he’s not at all shocked to see Jihoon’s profile photo pop up next to the chat bubbles.

“I think the better question is-” he begins hastily. “-Anything happen during your little late night excursion last night?”

“What?” Seungkwan shrieks and leans over Seokmin in an attempt to start shaking Soonyoung instead and Seokmin breathes a quiet sigh of relief.

“It was nice,” Soonyoung just smiles, humming. “I showed him my dance and we went back to my dorm and just talked for a while.”

“You should fill him in on your talk yesterday,” Seokmin adds and Soonyoung launches into the explanation, adding that it had been about four in the morning by the time Jihoon left his dorm. Seokmin laughs as Soonyoung swoons over the events.

“So, we’re not like, you know-  _ official _ yet,” the dancer finishes. “But I really think that we’re finally getting somewhere!”

“Good,” Seungkwan rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “At least  _ someone _ here isn’t a scaredy-cat.”

“I know, I know,” Seokmin groans, resting his chin in his palms. And he does know- he knows he’s the biggest chicken in the world.

“Hm, what was that? I didn’t say it was you, Seokmin.”

“Guys guys guys, don’t you think Jihoon looks like the cutest bowl of rice?”

“Okay.”

“Shut up!”

“It’s true! I called him that last night and he just shrugged and smiled?” Soonyoung swings one leg over the log as he lays down sideways with his arms behind his head. “I’m sorry, I’m just really glad that things are changing. Even if it’s a slow and gradual change.”

“Don’t be sorry, we’re happy for you,” Seokmin pats his knee. And he is- he’s truly happy that things are working out with Soonyoung and Jihoon. Even if he’s envious of their situation at the same time.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua smooths down his jeans with slightly sweaty palms and re-cuffs the collar of his red and white flannel for the fourteenth time today. And it’s only noon.

He doesn’t have a right to be this nervous.  _ It’s not a real date, it’s not a real date, _ he repeats to himself in his head.  _ You’re just hanging out alone at a place that could be a suitable date location for couples but that doesn’t mean anything. _

And  _ fuck _ , he doesn’t want to think about this. About any of it. Because Joshua knows that the more deeply he assesses the entire situation, the more evidence will unravel to pile onto this hypothesis that he likes Seokmin. As more than a close friend and as more than a cute dongsaeng.

He tries to block it out, thinking about other things. Like- like how he’s still pissed about Jeonghan moving out with little notice! Yup, that’s all Joshua can think about right now and he is infuriated! Jeonghan should be a more thoughtful best friend and oh well, at least Joshua has Seokmin to keep him company-

No!  _ Bad!  _ Joshua scolds himself. He is  _ not  _ allowed to think about how Seokmin had come home last night with fries from the beach concession stand because  _ I was worried that you hadn’t eaten yet, hyung _ . He is also not allowed to think about the six smiley faces (in a row! In a row!) the younger had sent him when Joshua heart eyes-reacted to his Instagram story at the beach. Hell, Joshua shouldn’t have even sent a heart eyes-react. He should have just sent the  _ 100  _ emoji react or maybe the laughing face react. And  _ oh no, _ Seokmin probably thinks Joshua has a crush on him now and he’s probably texting Minghao or whoever to make last-minute plans so he doesn’t have to hang out with Joshua for the whole day and-

His phone buzzes in his pocket, distracting him from his panic. But only momentarily.

**(12:10 PM)**

**diqué: i’m downstairs, hyung!!! be up in a few minutes!!!!!!**

**diqué: :))))))**

Joshua prepares to type back a response when-

**(12:11 PM)**

**diqué: ily <333**

**diqué: shit**

**diqué: sorry typo haha**

Joshua groans as he knocks his forehead against the door. Great, now he’s overthinking their fucking text messages. Another buzz comes from his phone.

**(12:14 PM)**

**diqué: sorry i’m sorry**

**rocketman: dw. see you soon :)**

**diqué: okay :D**

Before Joshua can even exhale, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it hesitantly and there’s Seokmin, just standing there looking so adorable and shy in his stupid denim jacket and khakis that he wasn’t wearing earlier in the day and it’s  _ so _ unfair and Joshua wonders how he’s going to make it through this date-  _ day _ . Just another day!

“Um, so!” Seokmin rakes a hand through his hair. “So I was talking to Minghao-”

_ Yup, he wants to cancel on me. It’s okay, it’s- _

“-And he said we could borrow his car to get there. Probably a lot nicer than taking the bus, huh?”

“Oh,” Joshua chokes out, sucking back in the sigh of relief that threatens to come out of his mouth. “Uh, yeah! That’s great, thank you.”

Seokmin scratches at the back of his neck. "Sorry, I know Hao's car isn't really fancy or anything…" he trails off and the embarrassed look on his face makes Joshua want to pull him into a hug.

"Hey, no. That kind of thing doesn't matter to me," he reassures Seokmin. And this wasn't a date anyway so he's not sure why Seokmin is being so bashful right now.

"Alright, then," the younger nods slowly. “You ready to go, then?”

“Yeah,” Joshua swallows hard, hoping his feelings aren’t written all over his face.  _ Ready as I’ll ever be. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When they reach the parking lot, Seokmin glances at Joshua’s hair. It looks shinier and neater than it did in the morning. But maybe that was because Seokmin had left Joshua’s apartment at nine o’clock- he had to return to his own place to help Seungkwan find the spare razor blades. When he arrived he also changed into nicer clothes but  _ what was the point of that? It’s not like Shua-hyung noticed. _

“Give me the keys,” Joshua demands, suddenly. “I’ll drive.”

“What? I wanted to drive?” Seokmin whines but Joshua just gives him that bunny look with the bunny eyes and bunny pout (before retracting it almost immediately) and Seokmin hands over Minghao’s keys, grumbling. Even though the idea of Joshua driving the two of them to the amusement park on a  _ not-date _ only jet-propels the butterflies in his stomach.

Joshua steps into the driver’s seat and they fall quickly into easy conversation on the way to Adrenaline World. Seokmin kind of dies a little inside everytime Joshua puts his arm behind him on the headrest of the passenger seat to check his blindspots. Other than that, he manages to make it through the car ride without staring too long at his hyung.

Great.  _ Only several more hours to go _ , he thinks to himself even though who is he kidding? He doesn't want this day to be over quickly at all. Joshua walks all the way around the back to open his door for him and  _ that’s just the way he is, shut up. _

Adrenaline World is bigger than he remembers. Seokmin marvels at the sight of what looks like hundreds of colourful theme park rides towering over them, about a third of them being roller coasters. The overwhelming aroma of hot churros and piercing cotton candy sugar braves through the huge crowds of people surrounding them. After they pay for their tickets, Seokmin unfolds the very complex map he took from the entrance and he’s hit with a rush of memories as he looks through all the different sections of the park.

“The first time I came here, I was with Mingyu and Minghao. I think it was junior year of high school?” he chatters excitedly to Joshua. “All of us ate too many mini donuts- I think there was a promotion or something- and we almost puked on the log flume ride in Splash Island. But luckily we didn’t and we puked afterwards! And this other time I came here for a physics project in senior year and I didn’t know anyone in my class so I got lost in Jungle Fair but I ended up in Galaxy Town after I walked for forty minutes so it turned out okay. And this _other_ time, I came here with Soonyoung and Seungkwan and Hansol and Chan and we still got lost in Clown City because you know how Chan has clown-phobia, right? Or whatever that’s called. And then we ended up in Land of Terror but I almost cried because one of the haunted house actors- but they were like, outside the haunted house ‘cause I was too scared to go in- uh, anyway they said “Boo” to me but I thought someone was just calling Seungkwan so I didn’t think anything of it at first and then they chased us and then I really did cry. But that’s okay because Hansol cried too and Soonyoung bought us both snow cones at Ice Kingdom and that was the first time I had a snow cone.”

He stops talking when he sees the unreadable expression on Joshua’s face and  _ oh _ , he’s probably boring Joshua to sleep with his rambling. Or he’s at least mildly disgusted with the stories about vomiting and crying.

But a sincere smile spreads across Joshua’s face and  _ oh. _ “Go on. What were you saying?”

“Uh, that was it,” Seokmin shrugs, even though he already has another story lined up about how Chan ended up in tears too when they accidentally wound up back in Clown City again after the snow cone detour.

“Seokmin,” Joshua places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You know I’ll always enjoy listening to your stories, right? It’s okay, I swear. It’s more than okay.”

And Seokmin kind of wants to cry all over again (and they’re only at the entrance of the park) because  _ fuck _ , he doesn’t deserve any of the kindness Joshua gives him. He knows he isn’t special. He knows that Joshua would take the time out of his day to listen to anyone talk his ear off. But that just gives Seokmin another reason to like him. As if he needed any more.

“Anyway-” Joshua suddenly jerks his hand back, the unreadable expression returning and Seokmin’s heart sinks. Maybe Joshua was secretly a mind-reader. “Any ride you want to go on first?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Two hours later, they’ve run through the smaller flat rides from Cloudy Dome and Creature Planet and now they’re in Galaxy Town. Joshua’s legs are jelly after their third spin on some kind of top spin spaceship ride that just keeps turning them upside down over and over. From behind him, Seokmin just giggles joyfully and Joshua is too aware of how much he loves his laugh. 

He always has. But now things are different and Joshua doesn’t want to have these stupid feelings that are going to do way more harm than good.

“Can we go to Ice Kingdom? I want a snow cone,” Seokmin practically skips up beside him. They fall into a calmer walking pace once more and Joshua doesn’t fail to notice the way Seokmin’s hand keeps brushing against his. He’s been doing that since after they played on the bumper planes in Cloudy Dome. And Joshua knows it’s accidental, that  _ he doesn’t mean to _ , but he still fights back the urge to take Seokmin’s hand properly and hold it in his own. If things were different and Joshua was a little braver, he would have already intertwined their fingers as soon as they caught their breaths every time they got off of a new ride.

“Hyung?”

Seokmin’s worried tone has no right to be this cute. “Oh, yeah. Let’s go get snow cones,” Joshua nods, clearing his throat. Seokmin beams at him and Joshua thinks his smile also has no right to be this cute.

Suddenly, he realizes something else. “Hey, do you want to go on a roller coaster first? Before we eat anything.”

“I’m sure it’s fine! It’s just ice, right?” Seokmin chuckles nervously and Joshua furrows his brow in confusion. They haven’t gone on any of the roller coasters yet. Come to think of it, Seokmin hadn’t mentioned going on any roller coasters in his many stories about the park.

And then he realizes. “Are you afraid of roller coasters?” Joshua raises his eyebrows with a knowing look. He tries not to grin too widely, not wanting Seokmin to think that he’s making fun of him.

“No!” Seokmin answers too quickly, crossing his arms defensively. “I mean- no, I am not, hyung,” he repeats with a more even tone.

Joshua continues to grin at him and Seokmin covers his face with his hands.  _ Cute. Just adorable. _

“Okay, so maybe I am,” the younger of the two whines. “I’ll- I’ll try to go on one with you if you want-”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Joshua rubs his back consolingly. “We don’t have to go on any. There’s so many other rides here, anyway.”

He quickly retracts his hand again- he really needs to be more careful with his actions. Seokmin peeks through his fingers at him and Joshua wants to hug him again.

“Well, the thing is- I’ve always wanted to try them but I always panic when I get to the front of the line.”

“Ah,” Joshua nods understandingly. “Well, now’s as good of a time as any to try. But only if you want to.”

“Hmm…” Seokmin seems to be thinking it through.

“And I’ll be there right beside you the whole time,” Joshua adds and  _ that was okay, right?  _ He was just trying to be comforting for his friend.

“I-” Seokmin starts and the twinge of a blush creeps up on his cheeks. “I can’t promise that I’m not gonna start freaking out at the front of the line but I want to try it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!” Seokmin almost yells, visibly more confident than he had been just a few moments ago. “Let’s do it, hyung!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I can’t do it!” Seokmin shrieks when they finally reach the front of the line for Blue Dragon, one of the less scary coasters in Joshua’s opinion. He ignores the strange looks from the people behind them in line and Joshua grabs his wrist, tugging him towards the cart in the middle of the dragon train.

_ Okay, at least we’re not sitting in the front. But still.  _ Seokmin gulps as he looks up at the tall loops and hills stretching out above them. Screams erupt from the dragon train that was just sent through the track and all of a sudden, Seokmin and Joshua are sitting inside the one parked. The screams don’t stop and  _ this  _ is what Joshua considers a less scary coaster? 

“Hyung, what if the ride gets stuck at the top of the loop? While we’re upside down?”

“It’ll be fine! I promise,” Joshua exclaims. The ride operator comes by to click their seatbelts in place. “Hey- it’s not so different from the log flume you almost puked on with Minghao and Mingyu.” Joshua adds, squeezing his hand and  _ great _ , if Seokmin doesn’t pass out from the coaster he’ll definitely pass out if Joshua holds his hand the whole time. 

“Do you- do you want to hold my hand?” Joshua stammers like  _ he’s  _ the one who has anything to be nervous about. “Or cling onto my arm. If you want.”

And  _ yup _ . It was time to pass out. “If you don’t mind,” Seokmin replies quietly and Joshua just smiles back.

“Of course not! Just like, um. Squeeze my hand when you need to.”

Before Seokmin can even process his words, there’s a chime from the ride operation station and the dragon starts to move.

“Goodbye, world!” Seokmin cries. He knows he’s being dramatic but he can’t help it. He’s on a fucking roller coaster with a whooping four loops and too many rolling hills to count. Seokmin grabs onto Joshua’s arm as the train moves up the lift hill steadily. This always looked like the scariest part to him, because it could just drop without warning and now he can’t climb out of the coaster, either. Seokmin shakes in his seat and Joshua hums calmly beside him. He places his hand over Seokmin’s on his arm and Seokmin sees white. 

The train stops at the top of the hill, inching slowly towards the drop. “Hey, you’re okay. It’s okay,” Joshua draws circles over his knuckles and Seokmin’s mind goes blank before-

“AHHHHHH!” he screams, shutting his eyes tightly as the coaster zooms downwards before zipping through a loop. Joshua cheers along with the rest of the people on the ride while Seokmin continues to yell and tremble as the coaster speeds through the track.

He does manage to open his eyes a few times throughout the ride, catching a glimpse of how thrilled Joshua looks beside him. He’s leaning forward, his eyes tiny crescents while the wind pushes his hair back wildly. And Seokmin likes seeing him happy. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hey, hey. It’s over now.” Joshua pats Seokmin’s back as they step out of the train. “You did it!”

“I did-” Seokmin pants heavily as he stops to catch his breath. He turns to Joshua with wide eyes. “I did it! I finally rode a roller coaster!”

“More than that. You just conquered a fear, Minnie,” Joshua laughs with him. Should he give Seokmin a hug? Was this an appropriate time to?

“You don’t think it’s a stupid fear?” Seokmin blurts out, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket.

“Of course, not. It’s not something you can really help, right? But you conquered it on your own terms and that’s what matters,” Joshua reassures him and Seokmin throws his arms around him. 

_ Oh. _ “Thank you for coming with me, hyung,” he mumbles through the hug. “And for like, encouraging me. You’re always so encouraging and I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime,” Joshua tries to smile back, though it’s more of just a cautious upturn of his lips.

And maybe it’s accidental again, the way Seokmin doesn’t hesitate to grab his hand this time as they make their way to Ice Kingdom (“I did really want that snow cone, though”). 

So of course Joshua buys him a snow cone. Of course Seokmin asks him to share one, because the snow cones are massive and it would be a shame to waste two of them. Of course he makes a mess and gets syrup all over his mouth.

Of course Joshua pretends he doesn’t want to kiss it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking about the way they were supposed to take photos to make mingyu jealous-


	18. Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no thoughts only shua and kyeom dancing together on the home;run cruise ship.

_ “Hyung’s missing,” is the first thing Hansol says to him when he wakes up on the morning before the cruise ends its journey. Seokmin frowns, rubbing his eyes as he slowly rises from the bed. _

_ “What do you mean, missing?” _

_ Hansol shrugs. “I can’t find Wonwoo-hyung, so therefore he’s missing?”  _

_ Seokmin wants to ask him if he even tried looking yet, but Hansol swerves on his heel and makes his way to the bathroom, shutting the door tightly before Seokmin can make his snarky comment. He groans, throwing his head back in mild agony before he slides on his sandals and gets ready for the day. Which, he supposes, would have to begin with search for Wonwoo. _

_ Within twenty minutes, he discovers that Wonwoo is just upstairs at the continental buffet. Seokmin scoffs to himself- it should have been one of the first places Hansol checked. He doesn’t waste any time approaching Wonwoo, who’s sitting alone with a very high stack of pancakes- the kind of breakfast a teenager in an early 2000s movie would eat two bites of before dashing out the door for their first day of high school. Except, Wonwoo isn’t even eating. Seokmin frowns as he notices the way Wonwoo is staring out the window, in somewhat of a trance. He doesn’t notice Seokmin walking up to him until the younger siddles up beside him on the booth seat. _

_ “Are you okay?” _

_ “Oh!” Wonwoo shakes his head and blinks at Seokmin. “Good morning, Seokmin. How are you?” _

_ “Um I’m fine, I guess...” Seokmin responds slowly, wrinkling his nose and almost immediately, Wonwoo goes back to staring out the window.  _

_ “How about you?” Seokmin repeats and Wonwoo doesn’t respond. “Hyung?” he tries again. But Wonwoo’s eyes don’t stray from the winter sea. Seokmin sighs, impatient. There’s a lot of things he’ll never understand about his friend, and he doesn’t try to anymore.  _

_ At least, not for most things. So, Seokmin asks him the question that has been on his mind since the beginning of the strangest trip he has been on in his life. _

_ “Why are we here?” _

_ Wonwoo blinks again, and finally tears his gaze away once more to give Seokmin the side eye. “What do you mean?” _

_ “Why did you bring us here with you?” Seokmin demands to know. _

_ “I told you- I had extra tickets and-” _

_ “I know,” Seokmin cuts him off, hoping he doesn’t sound too rude. “But there’s something else, isn’t there?” _

_ Wonwoo goes quiet again. “Hyung, please tell me what’s going on,” Seokmin pleads.  _

_ There’s another lull of silence between them and Seokmin wonders if he should just go back to bed. He opens his mouth, ready to announce that he’ll leave Wonwoo and his massive stack of pancakes alone when- _

_ “You really want the real reason?” Wonwoo asks in the quietest voice Seokmin has ever heard from him. _

_ “Of course,” Seokmin replies quickly. “Why, is it something really bad?” _

_ “Not really, I’m just- ugh.” _

_ “Hyung.” And how bad could this be? Was Wonwoo a spy? Did he shoplift a crayon from the university bookstore?  _

_ “Okay, fine,” his older friend scoffs gently. “I was...trying to change my reputation.” _

_ Seokmin frowns.  _ This _ , he had not expected. “What do you mean?” _

_ “Everyone just thinks I’m this cold, icy person. That I don’t know how to have fun,” Wonwoo almost whines and Seokmin grimaces. _

_ “I don’t...I don’t know if anyone actually thinks that-” he tries to placate him but Wonwoo shakes his head rigorously. _

_ “No, Seokmin- I  _ know  _ they do.” _

_ “Who’s they?” Seokmin shoots back. He’s genuinely curious. _

_ Wonwoo scoffs again. “You know- you guys. All of you.” _

_ “What?” Seokmin practically sputters. “None of us think that!” _

_ “Yes, you do,” Wonwoo insists. _

_ “No, we really don’t.”  _ Did they? _ Seokmin wonders if this wasn’t all just in his hyung’s head. Maybe he had missed this completely. “But either way, you’re...insecure about your personality?” _

_ “Well, when you put it that way- maybe? Just a little.” Wonwoo leans back on the booth seat with visible frustration. _

_ And Seokmin doesn’t know what to make of this. Should he just be a listening ear to Wonwoo when he was ready? Were they really about to have a heart-to-heart right here at the continental buffet?  _

_ “Do you want to talk about it?” _

_ “No.” Wonwoo’s gruff response comes quickly, and  _ oh okay.  _ Seokmin holds up his hands in surrender. _

_ “That’s fine- I’ll be here for you anytime,” he tries to smile and it seems to work because Wonwoo lets out a small smile back. So he had really been trying to prove something to Seokmin and Hansol this whole time. Seokmin supposes this isn’t really a huge deal in the long run, but there’s still something so rigid and yet comfortable about knowing that someone he thinks is as cool as Wonwoo still has self-doubts. _

_ “Can I ask another question?” _

_ “You just did.” And it’s a dumb joke also akin to an early 2000s movie. _

_ “Who would you have taken on this trip if Hansol hadn’t asked you to take us?” He wants to know who Wonwoo wanted to prove something to. Who he wanted to be aware of the- warmth? And positivity, perhaps- that he was capable of providing. _

_ “I don’t know,” Wonwoo answers after what feels like forever. Seokmin has a sneaking suspicion that he’s not telling the truth but he doesn’t pry further. _

_ “I don’t think you should try to change your entire personality. If it bothered me, or any of us-” _

_ “You wouldn’t be my friend?” _

_ “No. We’d tell you if we had a problem and we’d intend to stay your friend.” _

_ Wonwoo opens his mouth but no words come out. He slowly closes it again as he turns back to the sea. Seokmin considers opening the window for him but maybe the wind is too cold, too chilly. He wonders if it might snow. _

_ Nevertheless, he stays there, next to Wonwoo and the pancakes, as the two of them watch the waves shuffle.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua feels like a loser.

“Here,” he taps Seokmin on the shoulder and the younger man quickly turns around, having been previously distracted by the rainbow cotton candy pinwheels in the stalls nearby. Joshua awkwardly holds out the prize he had won from the balloon dart game. It’s a soft little tangerine plushie with a cute stitched-on smile and beads for eyes. A fluffy leaf sits on top of its head and chunky little arms protrude from its body.

Seokmin just stares at it and Joshua feels like crawling into a hole. He shouldn’t have rushed to win something for Seokmin- he should have played more rounds of the game so he could trade up for a bigger prize and even though he knows Seokmin is too kind to laugh in his face, Joshua still-

“For me?” Seokmin’s tiny voice interrupts his train of thought. Joshua nods quickly, like a bobblehead figure. He watches the way Seokmin’s face lights up and  _ okay _ , maybe Joshua overreacted. Maybe.

“It’s adorable!” Seokmin beams at him and the weight on Joshua’s heart lifts as Seokmin takes the plushie gently from his hands. “Thank you. I love it,” he says quietly as he strokes the leaf on top and Joshua swallows hard. He might as well have just handed Seokmin his heart wrapped up with a bow and said  _ here’s my heart, just take it. _

Suddenly, Seokmin’s eyes flash with an unreadable look and Joshua raises his eyebrows in concern. “What is it?”

“Um, wait here. I’ll be right back.” Seokmin scutters away before Joshua can reply. The older of the two is left alone in front of the cotton candy stall, unsure of what just happened and he sighs.

He decides he’s too anxious to follow Seokmin and takes a seat on a nearby bench instead. It’s only six in the evening and he can’t decide if he wants this day to stretch on longer or go home and sulk in a pool of his feelings. Joshua supposes it doesn’t matter- he won’t be able to run away from thoughts of Seokmin and his stupid smile either way. Seokmin’s approaching figure returns into view soon enough and Joshua squints at the pink blob in his hands.  _ Was that- _

“Here you go!” Seokmin holds out the peach plushie to him with a goofy grin and Joshua takes it with trembling hands-  _ fuck _ , he’s so embarassing. It’s almost exactly like the tangerine plushie he had won for Seokmin, except pink and more heart-shaped than round. It’s just as soft and Joshua tries not to think about how softly Seokmin is looking at him. Great. Now Joshua is soft and everything is soft.

“Do you like it, hyung? I won it from the basketball-throwing game!” And he’s so excited and Joshua can’t help but break into a smile too.

“I love it, Minnie. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome! And I mean- you kind of remind me of a peach, hyung,” Seokmin hums, poking at the leaf.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, um...You look all soft and sweet on the outside and on the inside you’re still soft and sweet. Like how when you bite into a peach it’s just as delicious on the inside as it looks on the outside.”

_ Oh no _ . Joshua is really getting his heart wrecked today. “Sorry, was that too weird?” Seokmin’s eyes widen and it would be funny if it didn’t hurt so much at the same time.

“No,” Joshua answers timidly. “I’ll- I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It was,” Seokmin nods. And if things couldn’t get any worse, a moment later he figures out that the plushies have magnetic hands, eagerly connecting the tangerine’s hand to the peach’s.

“They’re holding hands!” Joshua blurts out and  _ shut up, shut up. Stop it. _ Seokmin makes their arms sway together and everything hurts.

_ Change the topic, change the topic.  _ “Since when are you good at the basketball game, anyway?” he teases and Seokmin hums.

“Ah, Mingyu and I used to play a lot together-”

And they both realize it at the same time.

“Shit, Mingyu-”

“The photos-”

There’s a pause, and then Seokmin speaks up again. “We better get to the ferris wheel. I don’t remember which part of the park has one, though.”

Joshua digs the map out of his pocket and uncrinkles it. “Looks like there’s one in the new section of the park.”

“There’s a new section?” Seokmin gasps and  _ you’re so cute, please stop.  _ “What’s it called?”

Joshua scans the map again. “Hmm...Slumber Wonderland? I think the theme is dreams.”

Seokmin nods and Joshua starts to lead them in the direction of the right section. The night falls around them faster than a summer evening has the right to and a cool breeze sweeps past them. 

“Um, are you cold, hyung?” Seokmin stops in his steps. 

“I’m fine- fine,” Joshua tries to reassure him through practically chattering teeth. 

“No, you’re shivering. Here-” Seokmin shrugs off his denim jacket and  _ nooo, _ Joshua doesn't know how much more of this he can take. He stares down at the ground as Seokmin slides the jacket around his shoulders.

“But now you’ll be cold,” Joshua mumbles. He reluctantly adjusts the coat around his arms anyway.

“It’s okay, my shirt is thicker than yours. I’ll be fine,” Seokmin shakes his head. Joshua only feels a little bit better when he notices the lack of tremors from the younger man as they start walking again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The view from the ferris wheel isn’t as high as it looked from the ground. Seokmin exhales, taking in the picture- it’s already somehow dark enough that all the night lights of the rides sparkle around them. Music from all over the park chimes loudly and calmly all at once. An odd sense of deja-vu creeps up on him and then he remembers.

“Now you’re all red,” Joshua jokes, noticing too quickly. “Maybe I should have been worried about you getting hypothermia instead.”

And Seokmin wants to laugh at the insanity of it all, the way he can’t exactly tell Joshua,  _ Hey, I have recurring dreams of kissing you on a ferris wheel! Now here we are and isn’t that just hilarious? _

“Seriously, are you okay?” Joshua nudges him by the shoulder as the ferris wheel inches closer to the top. The ride is still rotating to collect and drop off riders one little pink carriage at a time before it starts to spin properly.

“I’m fine,” he lies. “Just warm, like you said,” he chuckles nervously, the tangerine plushie wobbling on his lap. Joshua just shakes his head.

“I guess it  _ is _ still summer,” he mutters under his breath before he suddenly sits up straighter. “Uh, we should probably take the photos for Mingyu now, right?”

“Right.” Seokmin feels silly. That’s all they were really here for at the end, wasn’t it? Whipping out his phone, he opens Instagram and goes into his settings to change his close friends list to only Mingyu.

“Oh, so the others won’t see, right?”

“Exactly.” Seokmin doesn’t even know what he’ll do if any more of the others found out about the entire plan. Half of the group seems to know already and he would rather keep it that way. Joshua leans over to swipe on his screen and Seokmin can barely look him in the eye when the older picks out the filter with all the hearts on it.  _ It still doesn’t mean anything. _

“Okay,” Joshua takes his phone and holds it up. “Do you think the view looks okay?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin swallows, finally looking at him. “It’s perfect.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And Joshua wants to kiss him.

He doesn’t know how he’s holding it together, he doesn’t know how he can even muster up the courage to press their cheeks together and smile at the camera like he doesn’t want anything more than to turn his head just enough to brush his lips on Seokmin’s cheek. He knows he could just do it- he’d done it before and in the same context of attempting to make Mingyu jealous.

Somehow it’s different tonight. The scene is more than vaguely romantic and it’s even worse when Seokmin doesn’t seem to be aware of it.

“Hold up your arms more,” Seokmin requests quietly as he takes his phone from him. “Maybe he’ll notice that you’re wearing my jacket.”

Joshua complies and then the ferris wheel starts spinning. Seokmin puts his phone down and jumps up, peering out of the carriage excitedly. Joshua smiles and follows his actions. The ride begins to feel like it’s taking an eternity and Joshua can’t even try to enjoy the ride for what it is because as guilty as he feels, he wants so much more with the happy boy who’s bouncing in his seat beside him. 

The ferris wheel stops at the very top, their carriage clicking in place and Seokmin turns to him with an uncertain look. 

“Hey, hyung?”

_ Kiss him,  _ the voice inside Joshua’s head screams.  _ What are you waiting for?  _

“What is it?”

_ Do it. _

“Close your eyes.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Are you gonna tell him?” Seokmin nudges Hansol by the shoulder as they sit side-by-side on their rugged couch, exhausted after unpacking their luggage.  _

_ They had only arrived back home a few hours ago after stopping at the university to help Wonwoo drop the canoe he had swindled from some strangers on the cruise. To Seokmin’s chagrin, they had run into Joshua and Jeonghan studying immediately afterwards. Seokmin wasn’t ready to see Joshua but it didn’t matter. There he was, looking all pretty and unknowing as ever. He and Jeonghan had both been understandably worried but that didn’t matter to Wonwoo, apparently- no one was going to find out about their irresponsible little trip. _

_ And now Seokmin’s back in his apartment, back in his ordinary life where nothing, yet everything, had changed. Joshua has a boyfriend and he can’t do anything to change that. Not that he even necessarily would- Seokmin just wants him to be happy. But the selfish part of him wants Joshua to be happy with  _ him _. _

_ Hansol rolls over onto his side on the couch, his legs falling over Seokmin’s lap. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replies and Seokmin shakes back into reality. _

_ “You know- your feelings for Seungkwan.” _

_ His roommate groans. “Don’t say it like that.” _

_ “Why not?” _

_ “If you say it out loud, it’ll make it more real.” _

_ Seokmin hits his ankle lightly. “Hey, you admitted it yourself last night. And I really think this will be different.” _

_ He knows it will. Seungkwan has liked Hansol for long enough that it had gotten to a point where none of the others would even notice, believing that it was just the way Seungkwan acted around him all the time.  _

_ Hansol sighs,“But what if it’s not? What if he never wants to talk to me ever again? What if it changes everything?” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ What if it changes everything? _

Joshua knows it will. It’s becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore his feelings now that instead of seeing Seokmin once or twice a week for a few hours, the younger man is literally right down the hall-  _ no _ , he’s literally right beside him every night, snoring away and unaware of the way Joshua wobbles and shakes like a trapeze artist on a tightrope whenever he’s around him. 

And does he even want to ignore his feelings? Does he even want to push them away? Joshua is aware that to some degree, it’s what’s right. But another part of him, the same one that kind of sobs on the inside everytime the younger boy as much as smiles at him, wants to do nothing more than fall headfirst into acceptance of all this. He wants to lay in bed with terrible love songs blasting through his headphones, Seokmin snuggled up beside him unaware of the music. He wants to doodle their initials together in a heart and blush openly before crumpling up the paper immediately.

He has a crush. A real crush that swerved from seemingly out of nowhere to hit him like a semi-truck. Except-

Except the more Joshua thinks about it, the more he wonders if he’d been holding back these feelings all along. Maybe not since forever, but perhaps still for long enough that he’s now floored at the denial he used to be in.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s funny how they go from already comfortablely close to practically inseparable over the next two weeks. Seokmin doesn’t think it’s that surprising- after all, who wouldn’t grow closer to a new roommate when they’re already a friend? But what surprises him is how easily they fall into new routines together. It’s something simple as a grocery run, with Seokmin’s mind going cloudy everytime Joshua puts every available flavour of every one of Seokmin’s favourite snacks in the shopping cart. Or when Joshua pesters him to help with laundry and Seokmin tries his best, their clothes getting all mixed up anyway and all of a sudden Seokmin starts waking up in Joshua’s comfiest sweatpants. 

He doesn’t expect Joshua to eat dinner with him almost every night but he does and it hurts, especially when the older cooks (or really just prepares food) for him. It hurts, as ridiculous as it sounds because Seokmin knows he doesn’t deserve to sit there in Joshua’s soft cotton shirt and watch him heat up a hot pocket. Joshua is feeding him fucking hot pockets for dinner and Seokmin has chosen to enjoy it anyway because he’s so stupid for him. The crusts are dry and the cheese burns his tongue and Seokmin is stupid. Joshua gets embarrassed about it one night and Seokmin resists the urge to tell him that he didn’t mind because it was so cute. He wakes up from a nap the following evening to homemade pizza. And of course it’s pepperoni and of course his heart grows as full as his stomach. 

They curl up in bed and watch movies together at night, the summer chill breezing through the windows. Sometimes the movies are awful but it doesn’t matter because Seokmin spends so much of it staring away from the screen at something else anyway. One night, Joshua starts leaning into him and  _ stop overthinking! Stop overthinking right now!  _

Seokmin doesn’t know how but he musters up the courage to pull the old yawn-and-stretch trick to slowly put his arm around the smaller man (the way he cringes at everything he does!). Joshua tentatively shifts closer and lays his head on Seokmin’s shoulder. Seokmin lets out a breath he’s all too aware of holding. Another day passes and so does another movie and this time, Joshua doesn’t hang back from throwing his arm around Seokmin. Without thinking, Seokmin immediately buries his face in the crook of Joshua’s neck. He hears the little amused scoff escape from Joshua’s lips and Seokmin tries to hide the smile that spreads across his face.

He hangs out with Jihoon and Soonyoung when he practices for the showcase in Jihoon’s studio. The two of them keep making eyes at each other even while Soonyoung pulls his whole “horonghae” agenda out of his ass at every opportunity. Seokmin tells them he’s leaving, that he’s going home and Soonyoung asks him “Which one?”

And somehow it only hits him right there and then, as he stops in front of the apartment- it’s so easy to call Joshua’s quiet little apartment a home. _Their_ _home_ , the dreamy overly-optimistic voice in his head keeps whispering. And really, it’s Joshua himself who feels like a comfortable resting place to him, a place where Seokmin could run to with all his worries. He knew that from the beginning but everything in the last couple of weeks seemed to push those specific thoughts to the forefront of his mind again.

Joshua feels like home. Seokmin watches Joshua drink soda directly from the four litre bottle and Joshua feels like home.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They don’t talk about the kiss.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ “Close your eyes.” _

_ Joshua laughs nervously. “Why?” _

_ “I just- can I try something? If you hate it just tell me and I’ll never do it again.” _

_ It’s terrifying to himself, the way his mind jumps too quickly to what he knows is the wrong conclusion. It has to be, there’s no way Seokmin would- _

_ “I’m so sorry if- if-” _

_ Seokmin doesn’t finish his sentence.  _

_ Joshua’s eyelids flutter shut. _

_ “If wh-” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Everything happens all at once and he doesn’t even sink in at first. Then Joshua’s mind goes blank and all he can think about is Seokmin Seokmin Seokmin. _

_ Seokmin kissing him. _

_ He doesn’t get to revel in the feeling for long. It’s only a feather-light press to his lips, a short-lived feeling of warmth. It doesn’t even register quickly enough for Joshua to kiss him back before he hears a click. _

_ Oh. _

_ Seokmin pulls back. “I got the photo,” he says, his voice barely louder than a whisper.  _


	19. Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you could say this is the first of another two-parter arc (had to cut a super long chapter in two again)

The sound of Mingyu’s cackle doesn’t improve at five in the afternoon. Seokmin has to shush him so he doesn’t wake up Minghao and Soonyoung, who are snoring from opposite ends of Mingyu’s bed. The four friends had been playing video games at Mingyu’s house before the two dancers fell asleep, Minghao having waved a hand to wake them up before their group dinner plans later in the evening.

“So you kissed him?”

“Yup.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Did he kiss you back?” Mingyu shakes him excitedly by the shoulders. “Or wait- don’t tell me-” he gasps exaggeratedly. “He ran away from you in disgust, didn’t he?”

Seokmin scoffs. “That wasn’t that long ago and I’m still living with him, aren’t I? He’s still speaking to me so it could have gone worse.”

But who is he kidding? It could have gone a lot better. It could have gone way better if Seokmin hadn’t done something so stupid and impulsive. What had he been thinking, kissing Joshua like that when he knew it wasn’t going to change anything?

And now he can’t stop thinking about the kiss, only forcing it to the back of his mind when Joshua was actually interacting with him at home and he had to make sure he wasn’t going to accidentally do something even dumber, like kiss him again. All Seokmin could think about was how everything had felt so right, even if only for that brief second when Joshua’s lips were pressed gently against his own. He wouldn’t have been able to tell if the world had stopped spinning in that moment because all he knew was how much he couldn’t get enough of the sweetness of the snow cone syrup left on the older’s soft lips. 

But the blank, unreadable expression on Joshua’s face once Seokmin pulled away made his heart clench in his chest, jagged pieces smashed together. So he had plastered on his best smile, quickly explaining that it was just for a photo. That part wasn’t exactly a lie; Seokmin really had taken the photo and posted it on his close friends Instagram story for Mingyu to see. Maybe the photo had been blurry and maybe Mingyu admitted later that he had no idea what “that last photo” had been. It was fine! Everything was fine and it didn’t matter that Joshua immediately changed the subject and never once brought up the kiss since it had happened.

“You’re an idiot,” Mingyu shakes his head and shuffles the bag of chips in his hands as he sifts through it to look for the saltier pieces. “Who kisses their crush and never talks about it with them again?”

Seokmin just sighs. “I mean, he hasn’t exactly said anything about it either, so I didn’t want to be the one to bring it up first.”

“You’re such a scaredy-cat.”

Seokmin punches him lightly on the shoulder. “But he was so cute the whole day, Mingyu!” he pouts, his expression shifting from irritated to dreamy in a millisecond flat. “Even if it wasn’t a real date, it sure felt like it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being delusional again-”

“You are,” Minghao suddenly yawns from behind him.

Seokmin throws one of Mingyu’s pillows at his face. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I was, and then your stupid swooning woke me up again,” Minghao grumbles. “Seriously, just get over it, man. I’m getting sick of hearing about your silly little infatuation that isn’t going anywhere.”

_ Ouch. _ “It’s not a silly infatuation, Hao,” Seokmin protests. He’s perfectly aware of how foolish he might sound but he doesn’t care anymore.

“Then what is it, Seokmin?” Minghao suddenly sits up from the bed, nearly fuming. “Are you in love with him?”

“I mean, maybe-” Seokmin mumbles, cheeks flushed. He doesn’t get to dwell on how it’s the first time he’s admitted this out loud, as Mingyu and his broad frame whip around, almost knocking him over. 

The taller man frowns at Minghao. “Chill, what are you getting so worked up for?”

“I am chill!” Minghao shrieks back. “I just don’t want to see Seokmin keep hurting himself over and over again when he doesn’t have the chance he keeps hoping he has with Josh.”

_ Double ouch. _ Minghao’s words shouldn’t hurt anymore but they still do. “Why does it matter to you, Hao?” Seokmin asks him quietly.

“Yeah, Minghao,” Mingyu nods, and stuffs more chips into his mouth. “Why do you care if he and Josh get married and adopt twenty children and name five of them Mingyu Junior-”

“It doesn’t matter to me! I just think you should stop wasting your time because love is stupid and Josh only likes you as a friend!” Minghao stands up angrily and, with the most dramatic flair Seokmin has ever seen him with, storms out of Mingyu’s room with a huff. 

A silence falls over the room as Seokmin and Mingyu turn to each other with perplexed expressions. Meanwhile, Soonyoung finally rises from the bed, stretching out his arms.

“Good morning, my little cubs! Why are we yelling?”

Mingyu pushes him back into the bed and Seokmin shoves the pillow over his face.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seungcheol furrows his brow in concern as he watches Jeonghan carefully place the tiniest cut of raw pork on the grill. “Once again- you know you can put more than one piece on at a time right?”

“Pfft, of course I know that,” Jeonghan scoffs. “You know this is- this is just how I like to do things!” he stammers and Seungcheol throws his hands in the air.

“Everytime we come here!” he remarks, shaking his head and Seokmin nods his head along with the rest of the table. Most of the gang had made it to the Korean barbeque restaurant on time. Mingyu did not get lost when he drove Seokmin, Soonyoung, and Minghao to the restaurant in Minghao’s car.

(“I’m taking the keys ‘cause you’re angry today and angry people shouldn’t drive,” Mingyu talks to Minghao slowly as if he’s ever the one who knows better. Minghao rolls his eyes but steps into the backseat anyway.

“Can I drive?” Soonyoung asks, before yawning again.

“Tired people shouldn't drive either.”

“What about me?” Seokmin asks, because he likes feeling included.

“Absolutely not,” Minghao rolls down the window to wave his fist at him.)

The servers refill their waters and as he and his friends wait for the rest of the group to arrive, Seokmin scans the table. Minghao hasn’t come back from the bathroom yet and Seungcheol and Wonwoo argue heatedly about some new video game he hasn’t played yet. Soonyoung falls back asleep from Wonwoo’s other side, snoring away again. Beside Seungcheol, Jeonghan continues to struggle with the meat and Mingyu laughs at him from Seokmin’s left while he helps distribute the cooked meat around. 

On Seokmin’s right, there’s Seungkwan and Chan looking at the menu together to decide on more dishes to order. He wonders where Hansol is- he would have expected him to arrive with Seungkwan, since weren’t they unable to be apart for even five minutes? Especially these days when they were living together. But Seokmin hasn’t heard from either of them in a while and Seungkwan had arrived alone earlier. 

Jihoon wanders in dazedly at that moment and slumps down next to Soonyoung. He ignores the multiple questions thrown at him about why he looks tired and it’s not long before Jihoon passes out on Soonyoung’s shoulder, joining him in slumber.

Seokmin feels a hand slap down and squeeze his knee and he doesn’t need to turn his head to know that Mingyu is staring intently at Wonwoo to get a reaction out of the older man. Seokmin grimaces as Mingyu keeps rubbing his thigh and  _ seriously? _ “Dude,” he hisses, gritting his teeth.

“What?” Mingyu hisses back, matching his expression. His hand moves to Seokmin’s knee.

“You realize how this looks, right?”

“You bet I do!” It doesn’t seem like he does. Mingyu traces circles on his knee and Wonwoo finally looks at them.

Mingyu beams back while Seokmin flashes him an awkward smile. The look on Wonwoo’s face is nothing short of indignant. 

“You two seem to be having fun,” he sniffs. Seungcheol continues to ramble on in his ear, oblivious. “In fact-” Wonwoo continues, his eyes narrowed, “You guys have been having a lot of fun lately,  _ haven’t you?” _

The panic sets in and Seokmin hopes his nervousness isn’t obvious on his face. But Wonwoo’s attempt at a yell across the table is drowned out by the cheers from more meat arriving. Wonwoo looks over the plates of lean beef, having to stand up slightly to even meet Seokmin’s eyes.  _ “You _ \- ah, sorry- you know what Seokmin, you’re a little-”

“Uh, what up, Hansol!” Mingyu’s ear-piercing screech blasts through the restaurant as the servers leave their booth and Hansol appears. Seokmin lets out a sigh of relief because this  _ cannot  _ be the day the others find out what he and Mingyu have been up to.

“Uh, hey...” Hansol’s practically speaking at the ground as he shuffles into the seat beside Chan. Seokmin frowns when he sees Seungkwan look away from his boyfriend, grabbing the menu again and flipping through it aggressively. Chan looks back and forth from Hansol to Seungkwan on either side of him with a similarly confused look on his face.

_ Huh?  _

Seungcheol slowly puts down the cut of pork he’s about to set down on the grill. “Uh- hey, so-” he chuckles nervously. “Hansol, why don’t you order that fish you like so much? It’s happy hour!”

“Don’t know if I can finish it, hyung,” Hansol mumbles. Seokmin feels Seungkwan tense up from beside him.  _ Uh oh. _

“But Boo likes that fish too, right?” Jeonghan, for once, doesn’t try to fan the flames. He shoots Seungkwan an encouraging smile. “You’ll help your boy finish his favourite fish, won’t you?”

“Hyung, it’s fine-” 

“Jeonghan-hyung, please stay out of it,” Seungkwan’s says stoically as he stands up and pushes over Seokmin and Mingyu to leave the booth seat. Mingyu mutters something under his breath about getting kicked, holding his shoulder, as Seungkwan stomps towards the bathroom. Seokmin locks eyes with Chan, who looks like he doesn’t know whether to follow Seungkwan or stay with a trembling Hansol staring at the silverware in front of him.

Silence envelops the table and Jeonghan finally speaks after the longest forty seconds Seokmin has ever experienced. “What was that? Hansol, what’s going on?”

Hansol doesn’t answer, glancing at the exit of the booth from his own side. Seokmin leans back to look past Chan and suddenly Hansol’s holding his forehead with the most downcast expression Seokmin has ever seen on him, even compared to how he looked during the entire Minghao fiasco.

“Nothing...everything’s fine,” he finally responds tearfully and Seokmin can hear him choke back a sob. He slowly stands up, about to leave. “I’ll be back, I- I just. Yeah- _ shit-.” _

He slams into someone coming to their table and he jumps back. Junhui grabs him gently by the shoulders. “Oh, sorry man. Hey, are you oka-”

Hansol pushes past him and takes off in the direction out of the restaurant. Junhui turns back, as confused as the rest of them as he watches Hansol leave. “What was that?”

“Hey, is Boo okay?” Minghao walks towards the table, returning from the restroom. “He looked really mad but he told me to fuck off and-  _ oh.  _ It’s  _ you _ .”

He glares at Junhui, crossing his arms with a harumph and  _ what the hell is going on with everyone? _

“It’s me!” Junhui exclaims back, apparently unaware of both Minghao’s tone and the tension in their cramped little booth. “Sorry I’m late to the party, guys. Got on the wrong bus!”

“Me too,” a new voice cuts in. Joshua rushes in, panting. “I mean, my bus was late.”

“I’m sure it was.” Minghao’s scoff is barely audible. He squeezes back into his seat next to Jeonghan while Junhui and Joshua slide into the empty seats next to Chan. Soonyoung wakes up and loudly asks if his special combo set has arrived yet and they all fall back into awkward chatter as more plates of meat fill up the table.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua tries to catch a glimpse of Seokmin’s smile but it’s too difficult to make eye contact with someone sitting in the same row as him. Over the buzz of the table, Seokmin’s distinctive, sunshiney laugh rings out cheerily, bright and happy and how pathetic is it that Joshua just wants to hug him and snuggle close to him even when they’re hanging out with their friends at the Korean barbeque restaurant? 

_ You’re so clingy, _ he sniffles to himself.  _ Seokmin wouldn’t want someone so clingy. _

He hopes Seokmin doesn’t think he and Junhui had been hanging out alone before they arrived at the restaurant. Not that it matters, anyway- Joshua knows he doesn’t stand a chance. He dodges the daggers thrown his way by Minghao, who  _ does _ seem to have jumped to the wrong conclusion. Joshua tries to ignore him but Junhui keeps having to lean into him to point at things on the menu they’re sharing.

“It’s happy hour!” his ex chirps directly in his ear. “I’m glad we’re all happy here.” 

Joshua’s mind wanders to Seokmin again, and then naturally, to the kiss they shared. Every freezeframe of that kiss kept him up at night, and what made it worse was Seokmin actually sleeping next to him in bed. The kiss takes up the last of the storage in Joshua’s mind, as he filed away every movement of Seokmin’s soft lips in that short moment. He remembers the determined yet uncertain expression on the younger’s face before he closed the gap between them. It hurts so  _ so _ badly that the kiss doesn’t matter to Seokmin the way it does to Joshua and the only thing that hurt more was knowing he can’t do anything about that.

If Seokmin even wanted him at all, he would have brought up the kiss at one of the many opportunities he had. He could have asked about it over any of their shared dinners or when Joshua does the laundry and Seokmin watches him while playing on his phone. But he never did and all that seemed to matter to him was Mingyu. Joshua stirs in what he hopes is a silent jealousy as Mingyu’s shrill giggle echoes through their crowd, blending in with Seokmin’s own never-ending laughter as they converse loudly, lost in their own little world.

Seungkwan returns to the table, taking a seat between Soonyoung and Wonwoo. He orders a corn on the cob and Joshua notices his prolonged silence for the rest of dinner. Hansol shuffles back in from the other direction and sits down next to Joshua, avoiding all eye contact with his boyfriend.

“What’s wrong?” Joshua frowns, nudging him.

“Nothing,” Hansol sighs, exhausted. From the way their friends keep looking between him and Seungkwan, Joshua guesses that they already tried interrogating him before Joshua arrived at the restaurant.

“It’s clearly not nothing. We don’t have to talk right now but I’m here whenever, okay?”

Hansol just nods. Joshua makes sure to hold him to his word later.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Are we sure we’re at the right place?” Soonyoung squints at the neon sign above their heads as they finally reach the building. 

Jihoon laughs- a real laugh too, not a polite fake one. “Silly, we’ve been here before. All of us.” 

The signage is just a diamond. A very large, neon blue diamond. “How does anyone even search for this place online?”

Seokmin looks around at the others, waiting for them to comment on Soonyoung and Jihoon’s intertwined hands. But there’s no teasing or taunting from any of them.  _ Huh, they must have already heard. _ Seokmin wonders if he’s just been so wrapped up in his own business that he hasn’t noticed that everyone found out about them. His mind is a blur trying to distinguish one mess from another. He had been so wrapped up in his own muddy predicaments, keeping track of every layer of every stupid lie he’d told this summer, that he hadn’t noticed what was going on with his friends.

Or maybe the same goes for the others. Chan distracts a despondent Hansol with a funny video on his phone while Minghao and Mingyu talk in hushed whispers all the way at the back of their pack. Seokmin fidgets between Jeonghan and Seungcheol as they chat animatedly about their new home entertainment system, something he can only nod along to. Soonyoung swings open the door a little too violently and they calmly stroll into the karaoke place. 

Electronic dance music floods through the front entrance, which is strange since Seokmin’s never heard of singing along to EDM. Jihoon, who made the reservation for karaoke, signs in for them and technicolour lights flashing from the ceiling capture the attention of the others as they wait for him.

Then Jihoon turns back to them with a sheepish expression. 

“So, I might have fucked up.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The strobe lights are blinding, a disco mixture of colours. Seungkwan screams into one of three microphones the karaoke place provided for their room, his previous stewing apparently having concluded, or at least paused. Or maybe it’s just the six shots Joshua has witnessed him down in the last ten minutes.

It’s a hot, sweaty mess of a karaoke room, despite the pretty decor of fuzzy fuschia loveseats and sofas. Jihoon accidentally booked a room fit for four people, rather than thirteen, which was a big part of the problem. Jeonghan hogs another microphone and the third one runs out of batteries in the first five minutes. Jihoon, one of the designated drivers, beckons for Jeonghan to share the mic with him. Chan tries to show off part of a dance team routine, failing to account for the lack of space around all of them.

Joshua’s not sure how many drinks he’s had by now. The quality is surprisingly high despite the cheap price and Seungcheol keeps pushing the room service button with no one holding him back. Everything’s a blur within ten minutes- or maybe fifteen, he’s not sure anymore. Joshua cheers and jumps for Seungkwan’s solo, and his next one too. By his fifth, he hobbles back to the fuzzy couch. Wonwoo is already slumped over the arm of the sofa, barely able to keep his eyes open. Junhui shakes his ass at all of them and Hansol, always having been one of the quieter drunks, has to restrain him from hopping onto the little drink table and knocking everything over. He manages to pull Junhui down and the two of them fall onto the couch, leaving no room for Joshua.

With a headache the size of the sun, Joshua tries to squeeze into an empty spot on the floor. He’s almost hit in the face by Soonyoung’s flailing arm and Jeonghan steps on his shoelace two seconds later, untying it as he finally passes the microphone to Mingyu. Mingyu, Mingyu,  _ stupid Kim Mingyu _ who takes the mic with a grin and Joshua’s eyes fall on Seokmin swaying happily beside him, his arm wrapped around the taller man’s bicep.

Joshua’s not drunk enough for this. 

Maybe he should have just arrived to dinner completely drunk, no- crossfaded. He can’t tear his eyes away from the picture- the terrible, horrendous image of Seokmin and Mingyu stuck to each other like glue as they cling onto each other. He thinks he sees Minghao attempt to pry them apart but it doesn’t matter. 

He’s seen enough. His heart throbs worse than his head, barely fitting in his ribcage. Right there and then in that hot, perspiring karaoke room, to the soundtrack of Boo Seungkwan’s melancholic ballad, Joshua cuts off the last sliver of hope holding the pieces together. He plucks one of the unopened bottles of soju- not his first choice for drowning his feelings away but it’ll do- from a protesting Seungcheol as he pushes past everyone on his way out the door.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He doesn’t expect Seokmin to follow him.

“You don’t need to run away from Mingyu for me,” Joshua mutters as Seokmin approaches him in the empty room he had found to hide in. The karaoke place had so many, it was a wonder why Jihoon didn’t just rebook the room when they arrived. Whatever. Joshua doesn’t give a fuck about that right now.

“I got worried,” Seokmin says in a small voice. “I- I saw you leave and you looked really upset. Unless- unless you’re just drunk. But if you want to be left alone-”

_ No. Come here, don’t leave. _

“Yes,” Joshua mutters, hiccuping. “Please, j-just go.”

He knows he’s not imagining the crestfallen expression on the younger’s face but Joshua also knows it doesn’t mean shit. It’s just the alcohol and even if it’s not, it still doesn’t mean anything. “Okay...” Seokmin looks at the ground. “I’m- I’m sorry for being a bother.”

He swerves on his heel, about to exit and Joshua resists the urge to call him back. He wants to apologize and pull him into his arms, no matter how wrong of him it would be. He just wants Seokmin. Seokmin and only Seokmin.

Then suddenly, Seokmin halts in his step, one hand already on the doorknob. Joshua weakly follows his gaze out the karaoke room window and there stands Mingyu.

And he’s not alone.

Joshua lets out a gasp as they watch Mingyu whisper to a drowsy Wonwoo. The latter looks somewhat surprised, despite his almost unconscious state. But there’s something about the way they lean close to each other and Joshua doesn’t know how much of it is Mingyu trying to steady Wonwoo.

“Seok…” Joshua sets down the soju and slowly stands, letting his arms reach out to the other man and  _ fuck, he’s awful for this, isn’t he? _

“Hyung, it’s okay,” Seokmin turns around to face him again, the look on his face reading somewhere between shock and confusion. “I’m just- I actually didn’t know they were speaking again. Not like- not like that,” he stutters, gesturing to their two friends who were practically locked in an embrace outside in the hallway.

“You don’t need to pretend that it’s okay,” Joshua mumbles. “You don’t need to pretend to be anything in front of me.”

He regrets the words almost immediately, knowing he just added to the list of times he’s all but given his feelings away. Yet his arms circle around Seokmin’s neck impulsively, hugging him tightly. Seokmin squeezes him back and Joshua hears a little sigh escape from his lips.

Joshua’s gaze returns to the window as he looks past Seokmin’s shoulders. Wonwoo has left the hallway but Mingyu stays, leaning against the wall of the room opposite to theirs. 

And he’s staring straight at Joshua and Seokmin. A burst of anger flares up inside the pits of Joshua’s stomach. How could Mingyu do this to Seokmin? He glares back at Mingyu, who wears an unclear expression as he watches them.

_ Doesn’t Gyu know how lucky he is?  _

“I’m- kind of tipsy,” Seokmin murmurs. Joshua pulls back and studies his features. Seokmin lets out a giggle, covering his face and  _ oh, he’s so cute. _ So pretty, so beautiful under the glow of the lights, even through Joshua’s partly distorted vision.

“Mingyu’s watching you,” he whispers breathily into Seokmin’s ear. “He looks really...actually I don’t know how to describe it, but he-”

“Confused, probably,” Seokmin whispers back. “I don’t know, hyung. He did see my Instagram story from that night where- you know. So uh, he must have seen the kiss.”

And there it is. The first mention of the kiss since it happened and it’s during a hazy night in a hot, sweaty karaoke room. Joshua’s mind is a blur but he’s not so drunk that he’ll say something he’ll regret.

“Then maybe we should do it again.”

_ Scratch that. _ “I mean-” he tries to retract hastily. “Our- our plan was to make him jealous right? So, if you…” Joshua trails off and Seokmin just stares at him, his face the prettiest blob Joshua has ever squinted at.

“Just- just come here,” he stammers and pulls Joshua back towards the sofa.

Their second kiss doesn’t taste like sweet syrup or soft hesitation. Neither does their third or their fourth or their fifth and then Joshua loses count. Seokmin tastes like raspberry vodka and pineapple juice, and Joshua can discern the younger’s growing confidence as Seokmin presses kiss after kiss on his mouth. Joshua kisses him back just as heatedly, matching his rhythm as he threads his fingers through Seokmin’s soft hair.

“Is- is Mingyu looking?” Joshua mumbles between kisses, not wanting his drunken state to stumble and reveal his true feelings.

“Probably,” Seokmin doesn’t even look up to check and Joshua knows that fact alone will drive him crazy for a while. Seokmin’s tongue slips inside his mouth and Joshua doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Mingyu won’t even be able to see that. “Maybe he just can’t believe that I’d be able to, uh be kissing someone so- so-”

“So what?” Joshua’s afraid to hear the end of that sentence.

“Effortlessly gorgeous,” Seokmin mumbles, then ducks his head bashfully.

_ Oh.  _ There’s something about his comment that makes Joshua think that maybe he should stop and think about it when he’s more sober. Seokmin pauses, then rests his lips against Joshua’s neck. Joshua’s breath hitches and he wonders how many times he’ll tell himself later that he fully, completely regrets this.

His mind cloudy, Joshua’s hands slide under Seokmin’s loose shirt. Seokmin feels so warm, so comfortable and Joshua lets himself believe that the lips running down messily from his neck to his shoulders have a force behind them that has nothing to do with Mingyu. He feels his own sleeve being tugged down as Seokmin sighs into his shoulder, his soft whine barely audible over the slow beats of the background music.

_ “Hyung.” _

“Don’t worry, Minnie,” Joshua whispers, cupping his face. “I promise Mingyu sees all of this.”

Seokmin whimpers against his mouth and Joshua giggles. He was so cute. So soft and innocent, so adorable with his gigantic heart and Joshua only wishes he could be the one Seokmin’s pining over. The younger shifts in his seat before lying down on the cushion of the karaoke room sofa, pulling Joshua down with him without breaking their kiss. 

Joshua’s untied Converse slips off his foot, landing on the wooden floor with a light thud as he kicks off the pillows in their way. Seokmin holds him closer, his hands sliding down to cup Joshua’s ass. Joshua’s not sure if he’s imagining that nor is he certain if he’s imagining the low moan Seokmin lets out into his mouth. His own fists grab a hold of Seokmin’s shirt to steady himself as he grinds into the younger’s hips. Seokmin follows his movements, timid sounds drawn from his mouth as he shyly gives Joshua’s ass a little squeeze.

A sudden very,  _ very _ high-pitched yell from outside interrupts them and they both sit up, their lips detaching hastily.

“Is that Boo?” Joshua catches himself, laughing half-heartedly.

“Sounds like him,” Seokmin smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “I didn’t know he could go  _ that _ high.”

Joshua’s surprised they can hear him from where they are. He doesn’t even remember where their room is relative to the room Jihoon booked but it’s probably pretty far away.

His eyes shift back to Mingyu, who also looks startled by Seungkwan’s high-note.

“Mingyu’s still standing there.”

Mingyu turns back to stare at them, facing their room with a strange nonchalance, despite his crossed arms. There’s something off about the whole picture but Joshua can’t put his finger on what it could be.

“He’s uh, still looking at us.”

“Right,” Seokmin chuckles forcefully. “And that’s- that’s exactly what I wanted.”

“Glad I could help,” Joshua tries to smile back and Seokmin brushes at his hair, a longing expression on his face as he stares into Joshua’s eyes. 

Joshua whips his head back to the window again. Mingyu’s gone.

Seokmin sighs, burying his head against Joshua’s chest. “Hyung, I’m- I’m drunk,” he whines wistfully. 

_ I know. Of course you are. _ “I can tell,” Joshua hums and Seokmin lets his hand fall to caress his cheek, a hopeful look in his big eyes.

“But can I just- one more?” he leans in and presses one more long, closed-mouth kiss on Joshua’s lips. Joshua savours the touch for that brief, magical second. Seokmin pulls back, before lifting Joshua’s hand to his lips and kissing the back of it, his cheeks crimson. The gesture tugs at Joshua’s heart, making his toes curl and reminding him of that fateful day at the bowling alley as he basks in the younger’s warm embrace.

Another shrill note echoes, this time sounding more like Soonyoung than Seungkwan, shattering their resolve again and Joshua forces himself to snap out of it. He couldn’t keep doing this to Seokmin. He had just put his selfish, tainted hands all over Seokmin’s body, kissing him all over and pretending he just wanted to be a good friend helping him get the boy he really wanted.

“I uh, need to use the restroom.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” Seokmin releases his hold on him and moves to let him climb out of the sofa. Joshua forces himself to hobble out of the room, without once looking back.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The door shuts with a quiet click and Seokmin groans, banging his head against the couch cushion. It didn’t hurt but it didn’t have to. Everything already hurts enough.

It takes a moment for it to sink in that he just made out with Joshua for twenty fucking minutes. Twenty very hot and rather _sexy_ minutes. Twenty more minutes to add to the weeks- _months?-_ in which Seokmin lied to him. He had just put his greedy, grimy hands all over Joshua’s body, too engrossed in how amazing the other felt on top of him and he’d let his body, his mouth, _his actions_ all take over his mind.

Who knows how far they would have gone if Seungkwan’s stupid but stupendous vocal talent hadn’t shaken the whole building. A part of him is desperate to know, desperate to scramble for an excuse to ask Joshua if they could continue this at home. The other part of him is relieved that they’d been interrupted, relieved that he didn’t do more damage than he’d already done.

He should probably go find the others. If Wonwoo and Mingyu have been wandering around the hallway, he’s sure the others have scattered too. He struggles to get up- he really did have a lot to drink tonight, at least that part wasn’t a lie and neither was his reaction to Mingyu and Wonwoo talking normally. Seokmin picks up the bottle of soju and he tries to kick away the pillows in his path, almost tripping on one of them before he spots a light cyan Converse sneaker nestled between the pile of cushions.

  
Oh. Joshua left a shoe behind. How did that even happen? He swears he sees it fucking  _ sparkle _ under the lights as he fumbles his phone out of his pocket to check the time, laughing a little defeatedly when it reads  _ 12:06 AM _ . This whole situation was nothing more than a misleading fairy tale without the happy ending. With another sigh, Seokmin picks up the shoe and stumbles towards the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 300+ kudos i have no idea how we've gotten here but here we are.  
> thank you so much.
> 
> started working on more seoksoo wips cause i want more content lol
> 
> i am still editing past chapters for flow/grammar stuff


	20. Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year

The hallways are narrow and the wallpaper on both sides are peeling off. In the distance, Seungkwan is still singing like he’s never gone to a karaoke place with other people before. Seokmin trudges through the halls, still making up his mind between finding his way back to the original room and finding Joshua in the washroom- wherever that was, anyway.

“Guess what I heard,” Mingyu sing-songs as his looming figure approaches Seokmin in his path.

“What?” What could possibly stir up his entire night even more?

“Apparently you already know this but-“ Mingyu pauses like he’s waiting for Seokmin to jump in. “-Hao and Jun have been fucking.”

“Oh, yeah,” Seokmin exhales, relieved that it wasn’t new information coming out of Mingyu’s mouth. “You didn’t walk in on them, did you?”

“No, but they were like _this-“_ Mingyu crosses his fingers and pushes them in Seokmin’s face. “-in one of the vacant karaoke rooms. I made a big fuss and then both of them just spilled everything. Maybe I should make a big fuss more often.”

“Oh,” Seokmin pats his shoulder. “Sorry that you had to see that. On top of what happened earlier, too.”

“What do you mean?” Mingyu snorts. “What happened earlier?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Seokmin scoffs, fist weakly reaching to punch his shoulder. “We saw you earlier and I know you saw us too.”

“Huh?”

“Why else would Joshua offer to make out with me until you left?”

_“Wait._ Wait,” Mingyu holds his hands up. “He did _what_ with you?”

Seokmin groans and shoves him again. “You know _what_. Mingyu, you were literally there. Watching us.”

“No, I wasn’t!” Mingyu protests. “Just- can you explain exactly what happened?”

So Seokmin does, starting from when Joshua had stomped away from their group’s booked room to seeing Mingyu whisper to a swaying Wonwoo. Mingyu’s eyes narrow in confusion as Seokmin defensively voices his explanation of the events.

“You saw me holding up Wonu in the hallways? Which I can admit, did happen but neither of us saw you or Josh while that was happening.”

“How?” Seokmin shrieks. “You looked right through the window while we were like, kissing and everything,” he says, mumbling the last part.

“I swear I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mingyu shakes his head fervently. “And trust me- Wonwoo still isn’t pleased with either of us. I was just helping him ‘cause he was on the verge of passing out- _wait.”_

“What?” Seokmin probes as Mingyu turns to the karaoke room adjacent to the wall they’re arguing beside. His friend taps on the glass and shoots Seokmin a pointed look.

“What?” Seokmin repeats. “What are you doing?”

Mingyu’s palm hits his own forehead with a plastic slap and a strange noise erupts from his mouth. It takes Seokmin a second to realize the noise is a giggle and oh- Mingyu’s just laughing at him. 

“What’s so funny?” he whines, crossing his arms. Mingyu’s laughter only grows louder and he doubles over, practically on the floor.

“Seokmin- the window is made of one-way glass. Dude, the only person who knew you made out with Joshua-hyung was _you.”_

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“What’s wrong?” Seungkwan puts his hands on his hips as he stares Hansol up and down. The other boy visibly gulps and tries to hide behind Seokmin._

_“And stop trying to hide behind Seok!” Seungkwan continues to fume. “Seriously, I know you’ve been avoiding me.”_

_Seokmin grimaces apologetically at the strangers passing from all around them, some of them shooting the three friends curious looks. They’re at the shopping mall, in search of a toaster for Seokmin and Hansol’s kitchen._

_Seungkwan wanted to tag along, so he did, despite Hansol’s nervous protests. Seokmin spent the entire afternoon trying to push his roommate to say something about his feelings, including a hard but necessary shoving when they made a detour to the stationary shop. A couple of weeks have already passed since Seokmin and Hansol ditched school for the cruise trip and Seokmin has been pestering him to say something for just as long._

_“Hansollie,” Seungkwan crosses his arms. “Whatever this is, I’m not going to be mad. Probably. Not mad for long, at least.”_

_“See, dude-” Seokmin turns around to face Hansol, gesturing to the confused boy next to them. “You guys need to talk.”_

_“But what if we didn’t’?” Hansol chuckles timidly. Straightening his back, he continues to stomp towards the food court, with Seungkwan and Seokmin scrambling to chase after him._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua turns off the tap, his hand shaking as he reaches for a paper towel. He catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and _fuck,_ _what’s wrong with him?_ His hair is an unruly mop, his cheeks flushed next to his swollen lips.

He’d kissed Seokmin with those lips. Kissed him so roughly and inconsiderately while the other boy had somebody else on his mind. And how could Joshua have done that to him? He was such a snake, a false friend who pretended he only had Seokmin’s best interests at heart.

Joshua tosses the paper towel in the trash bin, about to leave the washroom. Some of the others are still singing and he should probably catch a ride with one of the designated drivers. A part of him considers crashing at someone else’s home, too distraught about his actions to go back to his own apartment and face Seokmin- _sleep next to Seokmin._ He’s never felt so guilty and maybe he should just-

Suddenly, he hears a soft rattle in the bathroom stalls. A hiccup, followed by a sniffle.

Someone’s crying. And the familiarity of the whimpers hurts his heart.

“Hansol?”

Silence. The sniffles halt.

“I know you’re in there,” Joshua knocks gently on the stall door. “Do you...want to have that talk now?”

“Maybe…” his younger friend chokes out. The door unlocks with a click and Hansol steps out, blowing his nose into toilet paper. He sinks down the wall onto the dirty washroom floor and Joshua thinks this all feels very familiar.

Except for the dirty washroom floor part. “What happened between you and Seungkwan?”

“At first, living together was awesome.” Hansol waves his arm pathetically at the paper towel dispenser until Joshua pulls down the papers for him. “We got to be together all the time and we thought, wow, we really _are_ prepared for our future.”

Joshua thinks he sees where this is going. “And then...as time went on we started to argue a lot. A lot more than we used to and we’d get mad at each other over the stupidest things. And now we’re just at this point where- I don’t know, hyung. I think he doesn’t see a future for us anymore.”

“I’m sorry. Have you...spoken to him about this?”

“I’m not ready to have that conversation with him,” Hansol admits. “And I really don’t want to break up but I’m terrified that he does.”

“I hate to say it but you won’t be able to know without starting this discussion with him,” Joshua shrugs with a sad smile. He takes a seat on the floor next to his younger friend.

“But he doesn’t want to talk to me,” Hansol says quietly.

“Maybe- maybe he’s scared of the same thing you are,” Joshua tells him. “Maybe he thinks it’s _you_ who doesn’t want a future together anymore. And honestly, I think you both know what has to happen if you decide to stay together and work things out.”

“He has to move out,” Hansol nods reluctantly. “I know you’re right, hyung. I just don’t like that you’re right.”

He lets out a soft scoff and Joshua rubs his back comfortingly. “But doesn’t this mean we failed the test?” Hansol asks him, finally looking him in the eye.

“What test?”

“The test of living together. You know- like if we can’t live together, we shouldn’t- we shouldn’t’ even-”

“I don’t think that’s what it means,” Joshua interrupts him before Hansol forces words he can tell are hurting him to even say. “This just means you’re not ready to move in together yet. That doesn’t mean you aren’t ready to be in a committed relationship with each other. There’s like- different degrees, I guess? Of commitment.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Hansol nods slowly, pushing against the wall to steady himself as he stands up. “Thanks, Joshua.”

“Yeah, anytime.” Joshua stands up too, dusting his jeans off. Hansol wipes at his eyes again.

“But are you alright?”

“Me? I’m fine,” Joshua lies through his teeth. Of course he’s not fine. He knows he can’t just sit here and distract himself with helping Hansol with his problem, even though he does sincerely care.

“Are you sure? You look kind of...disheveled,” Hansol pokes at his hair. “And you’re only wearing one shoe.”

Oh. So he was. Hastily, Joshua spins to face the mirror, swerving Hansol around by the shoulders too. “Look at us,” he points out.

“Crying in the bathroom of a karaoke place,” Hansol finishes proudly and Joshua frowns.

“I’m not crying,” he protests, shoving the younger gently. “I’m just- just thinking through some things too.”

“What kind of th-“

“When do you think you’ll talk to Boo?” Joshua interrupts him quickly, turning on the tap again like it’ll somehow drown out his own despair. Fortunately, it sways Hansol’s attention and he looks down at his feet, pondering.

“Whenever he’s ready,” he half-shouts over the gushing faucet. “It just seems like he needs some space right now.”

“Right answer.” Joshua smiles, clapping him on the back one more time. “I should go find my shoe. You got a ride later?” he asks to make sure. Hansol nods and Joshua squeezes his shoulder before they part ways.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“I like you, okay?”_

_Joshua jumps in his seat at the sound of palms slamming down on tabletops and ice cubes rattling in drinks. A familiar voice continues to shout from three tables away. Across from him and over their trays, Junhui slowly puts down the French fry that hovered in front of his mouth._

_“I know it’s not what you wanted to hear but it’s true.”_

_He turns his head, his boyfriend mirroring his movements and there sits Hansol, Seungkwan, and Seokmin. The latter shrinks in his seat as Hansol shouts at his best friend. Joshua can’t see Seungkwan’s expression but he has a pretty good idea of what it looks like._

_“And don’t say I’m being impulsive, because trust me, I’ve thought this through. I mean, how could I not- you’re my best friend so why would I ever want to ruin our friendship unless-“ Hansol pauses, still oblivious to the watchful nosiness of the rest of the food court. “Unless I thought it was worth it for you to know, and for me to be honest about everything. Because I do. Think it’s worth it, I mean.”_

_“Did you know about this?” Junhui whispers excitedly to him and Joshua shakes his head. They all had an idea of how Seungkwan felt but last time he’d spent an extended amount of time with Hansol, the younger had sobbed over a completely different friend of theirs._

_“You don’t have to like me back- I mean, why would you? I’m not an idiot- well, actually I am-“ Joshua stifles a laugh at this and Hansol continues to babble._

_“But not about my own feelings. What I’m saying is, I’m not foolish enough to believe you could just, I don’t know. Wake up and feel the same way.”_

_“Hansol…“_

_“I even get it if you’re mad, because you have every right to be, but please don’t, like uh- never speak to me again or anything because I can just get over it. I promise. If it’s what you want I’ll-“_

_“Hansol-“_

_“-Stay away, to give you some space. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I-“_

_“Hansol!” Seungkwan yells, shaking him by the shoulders. “What I want is for you to let me talk now.”_

_“Oh,” Hansol falters. “Oh-“_

_“I like you too,” Seungkwan’s voice lowers in volume but Joshua can still hear him. “And you’re wrong- you are an idiot about your own feelings, because if you weren’t, you’d know I’ve liked you since forever. Dumbass.”_

_“You…have?” Joshua sees Hansol’s face slowly relax and it makes him bite back a grin, a reminder of how he himself felt when Junhui accepted his confession._

_“Duh. Why do you think I was so antsy about your crush on Minghao?” Seungkwan punches him on the arm. “And I’m not mad, if you haven’t noticed.”_

_“G-good,” Hansol mumbles, slowly taking a seat again. “I’d still understand if you were, honestly.”_

_“Hansol. shut up,” Seungkwan flops back down too and picks up his chopsticks. Joshua and Junhui watch them, waiting for what was to come next. But Seungkwan shoves sushi into his mouth at an alarming speed and Hansol takes an equally frighteningly long sip from his bubble tea._

_He does notice their red cheeks and shaky fingers prevail for the rest of their meal and perhaps Hansol and Seungkwan’s story is for themselves alone._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Your ears are so red,” Mingyu keeps teasing. His breath smells like lime juice and tonic water. Seokmin swats at him, having only mostly sobered up after a grueling walk.

“Whatever,” Seokmin grumbles. “Which room did you say Hao was in, again? We should make sure he’s still driving us back.”

“Ah, good idea.” Mingyu gestures at the room at the end of the hallway. “That one. I think. I don’t know, we could look through the windows and check- _oh wait.”_

“Can you stop?” Seokmin groans at him and they approach the room in question. Seokmin is about to throw open the door when Mingyu slams his meaty hand down on the door and puts his index finger over his lips. Seokmin opens his mouth, prepared to demand what he was doing when two voices ring out clearly from the other side of the door.

“Why are you embarrassed of me?” Junhui lets out a frustrated sound that’s somewhere between a whine and a wail. “Like, how long have we been friends, Hao? Why are you suddenly all weird about being seen with me this past while?”

“I’m not embarrassed of you!” Of course Minghao is yelling. “Who told you that? Was it Mingyu? Ugh, I hate that guy!”

“Hey!” Mingyu stomps his foot immaturely and Seokmin kicks his shin to silence him.

“He’s your best friend and not to mention, I thought I was as well?” Junhui shouts and Seokmin can hear Minghao rolling his eyes.

“Was it Hansol? I swear he thinks he knows everything-”

“Oh, so Hansol and Mingyu already suggested that you’re embarrassed of me?” Junhui scoffs. “See, everyone knows-”

“No!”

“Then why-”

“Because ever since we’ve started being, I don’t know, fuck buddies or whatever- everyone keeps messing with my head! I’m just glad no one else knows about this-”

“Did you already forget that tantrum Mingyu just threw in front of us like, ten minutes ago?” Junhui points out and Mingyu nods affirmingly. “And I already told you how Seokmin walked in on us- well, kind of. What do you even mean by “mess with your head”?”

“See? You’re doing it as well. Don’t _you_ get annoyed too? When everyone keeps saying we like each other when-“ Seokmin catches the stammer in Minghao’s tone. “Obviously, we don’t! Right?”

“HaoHao, if it bothers you so much, just stop listening to our friends,” Junhui snaps. “And it’s just- when you say things like that, _that’s_ what makes me think you’re embarrassed of even just the idea of us having any sort of romantic involvement. And then you’ll go and get weirdly mad at me like earlier in the restaurant when I don’t even know why!”

“Maybe it’s not about you, okay?” Minghao fumes. “Maybe it’s about me not wanting everyone to see me being like- like _this!”_

“What is “this”, exactly?” Seokmin can picture Junhui’s air quotes. “You aren’t making any sense. Stop talking in circles to avoid confronting exactly why you don’t want to be around me.”

“You know what, Wen Junhui?” Minghao shouts, his volume escalating to a level Seokmin has never heard coming from him.

“What?”

“You make too much sense when you drink,” Minghao tells him, footsteps approaching the entrance. Seokmin pulls Mingyu out of the way before-

_Bang!_ The door swings open and Minghao scowls at his mini crowd. “Eavesdropping again? Real cool, guys.”

Seokmin and Mingyu look at each other and Junhui stomps out of the room without casting a glance at any of them.

Minghao puts his hands on his hips, an expectant look on his face. “Let me guess- you two need a ride.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The cool breeze barely fazes him as Joshua pulls open the door to exit the karaoke building. He’s certain he checked all the rooms but he doesn’t find his missing shoe. It’s a shame, he really liked that pair of Converse. Maybe he can call the karaoke place in the afternoon to check again.

In the parking lot, the headlights of Seungcheol’s truck flash and the owner pokes his head out of the passenger seat window, waving wildly in a fashion that indicates he’s still inebriated. Joshua nods to him, walking towards the truck briskly and stepping inside.

From the driver’s seat, Jeonghan lets out a strident laugh as he catches Joshua’s nervous eye in the rearview mirror. “There you are. Didn’t know if you still wanted a ride.”

“Are we home yetttt?” Seungcheol whines, then coughs into his elbow. “I need to load up on carbsssss.” 

Jeonghan doesn’t respond, only rubbing a consoling hand on Seungcheol’s shoulder. He starts the engine and the truck starts to move. 

Joshua looks back and forth between his two best friends. Usually, from what he had seen and also experienced, it was Jeonghan who couldn’t handle his liquor, and it was Seungcheol who had to take care of him. It was a little unusual to watch the opposite. He supposes it was a fitting end to this entire strange evening.

“Hey, Shua?”

“Yeah?” he asks, turning back to Jeonghan, who stops right then at a red light.

“So! You know how I am, nosy ol’ Hannie! Can I ask-“

“Cut to the chase,” Joshua rolls his eyes, staring out the window at the few cars that passed them by at this hour. He can feel Jeonghan smirking in the front seat.

“Is there something going on with you and Seokmin?”

“No!” Joshua blurts out impulsively because who did Jeonghan think he was, asking that? Jeonghan just couldn’t believe that Joshua could find a cooler roommate, that was all.

“Are you sureeeee?” Seungcheol drawls on from the passenger seat. “Because all of us already knowwww.”

“Is it possible for you to not speak like thisssss?” Joshua imitates Seungcheol’s drunk speech pattern. “And know what, exactly?”

“Well, just that he lik-“

_Honk!_ Joshua jumps in his seat as Jeonghan sheepishly removes his hand from the car horn.

“Oops, oh no!” he expresses innocently while Joshua narrows his eyes. He’s too tired for this conversation.

“We’re just friends and roommates, okay? And he’s a way better roommate than you ever were,” he bites. Jeonghan just laughs and drives through the intersection while Seungcheol starts drunk singing like they never left the karaoke place. Joshua hates that they know just how to get under his skin.

“There’s nothing going on, okay?” he shouts five minutes later, when the topic has shifted long ago.

“Okay, Shua. Whatever you sayyyyy,” Seungcheol cackles and Joshua considers jumping out of the car in the middle of the highway.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_He’s happy for them._

_Seokmin takes a step back, allowing for Seungkwan and Hansol to walk in front of him. They’re conversing like that whole confession in the food court had been nothing more than a bizarre fever dream._

_Until Seungkwan, in an unusual display of hesitance, stretches his pinky out and Hansol links their fingers together almost immediately. It’s a small gesture but Seokmin knows his presence intrudes on something intimate, albeit in an unintentional manner._

_“Oh,” Hansol stops in his step and if it weren’t for his purposeful increasing of distance from the new couple, Seokmin would have crashed right into them. Seungkwan peers down at Hansol’s phone with him._

_“Look up- oh!“ The three of them glance up to the second floor, where Junhui and Joshua wave excitedly at them._

_Just who he wanted to see. Seokmin forces a smile and a wave back, as Hansol and Seungkwan call for them to come downstairs. Though he debates conjuring up an excuse to leave during the two minutes it takes for the other couple to arrive, he searches for a lonely artificial mall cactus to fixate on instead._

_Joshua is holding Junhui’s hand too._ As he should. _From his peripheral vision, Seokmin notices Hansol looking at him with worry and he forces himself to kick away the selfish thoughts again._

_Junhui greets Seungkwan with a report of an episode of a web series they watched together. Hansol jumps in with input while Joshua smiles at Seokmin like nothing’s changed._

_“We saw these two make a big, adorable fuss in the food court,” he gushes, gesturing to Hansol and Seungkwan._

_“Oh, yeah?” Seokmin shoves his hands into his pockets. “Should’ve said hi when you were there.”_

_Joshua replies with something about not wanting to interrupt their “moment when it was still fresh” and Seokmin nods, forcing himself to make eye contact even if it’s still embarrassingly difficult for him. Joshua moves on to rambling on about his day and all the puppies he and Junhui saw on their way to the mall._

_“There were so many, Minnie. It was like bring your dog to work day, except not to work, you know?” Joshua giggles and it’s the best and worst sound in the world. “And me and Jun made a bet on if we’d see more than thirty dogs today and I just won so now he-“ Joshua tugs on Junhui’s arm. “-Is paying for our frozen yogurt.”_

_“Oh!” Seokmin tries to match his enthusiasm. “He really is a great boyfriend, huh?”_

_The words coming out of his mouth don’t feel organic, though he’s aware they’re likely true, judging from Joshua’s expression. “Yeah, he’s the best…” Joshua trails away, glancing at Junhui wistfully. His boyfriend returns his look of affection and Seokmin looks past them at the plant again._

_“You’re right,” Junhui crows good-naturedly and wraps an arm around Joshua’s waist. Seokmin can only stare at the two of them staring at each other while he waits for a hole to open up beneath him and swallow him up._

_Nothing happens. “Man, now I want frozen yogurt too,” Hansol admits._

_“I’ll pay,” Seungkwan blurts out instantaneously. “For Hansollie, not for the rest of you,” he clarifies aggressively and Seokmin finally cracks a smile._

_Fifth-wheeling for the rest of the day isn’t ideal but- maybe more repeated exposure to Joshua’s new relationship would help ease the pain Seokmin is guilty about harbouring. Seokmin is pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn’t feel excluded by his friends during their outing, as he cheers silently when he notices Seungkwan and Hansol holding hands properly under the table._

_Joshua coos at Junhui and wipes yogurt from his mouth. Seokmin doesn’t care._

_Junhui starts feeding Joshua his favourite kiwi-flavoured yogurt. Seokmin doesn’t mind at all._

_Joshua kisses Junhui on the lips about five times in front of him._

_He’s happy for them._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I know what your problem is,” Seokmin announces to the near-empty car. They had already dropped off Mingyu and Soonyoung had passed on Minghao’s offer to drive back the same group they arrived at the restaurant with, choosing to hitch a ride in Jihoon’s van instead.

“You’re the last person I should take advice from right now,” Minghao sniffs far too dramatically for a car ride at two in the morning.

“You don’t even know what I’m about to say,” Seokmin retorts from the passenger seat.

“I do, actually. Just more bullshit about how I should confess to Jun, right? About how he and I should spin around in a circle holding hands in a grassy field?”

Seokmin crosses his arms. “I don’t get why someone who prides themselves on being brutally honest all the time isn’t telling the truth about the feelings they know they have.”

“Shut up-“

“That’s your comeback?” Seokmin doesn’t bite his tongue. “Face it. You’re just afraid. Xu Minghao you’re the epitome of that whole annoying cliche of being _afraid to love.”_

“No, stop,” Minghao pretends to gag but Seokmin continues to probe at him.

“I mean- I don’t think you can help it. I don’t know why you think having feelings is unprofessional, or whatever. And you’re not embarrassed of Jun-hyung, you’re embarrassed about being _perceived._ You just don’t want to be judged as one half of a disgustingly sweet couple like a good portion of our friends.”

_“Perceived?”_ Minghao sputters and for a split-second, Seokmin worries for his control of the vehicle. “That’s so stupid- I don’t have a crush on Jun, everyone just thinks I do and that’s the embarrassing part! Because it’s not true!”

“Ah, but perhaps it’s embarrassing because it _is_ true.” Seokmin is astonished that he himself didn’t figure it out before. “You just hate being proven wrong- and simultaneously proving everyone else right!”

“No!” Minghao shrieks, pushing on the brakes before they run through a stop sign. “Seokmin, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I know you and Mingyu like to get into each other’s heads and hype up your awful plans to get the attention of your own crushes. But that doesn’t mean you can try to analyze my behaviour to fit this agenda you have that I need to be with Jun ‘cause I like him.”

“Wait, so you admit it. You have feelings for him.”

“It doesn’t matter that I- _if_ I do,” Minghao falters. “What I have a problem with is how you and everyone else is butting in. It’s weird enough that I’ve been sleeping with him- I certainly don’t need an added complication of feelings- _that I don’t have.”_

“Oh.” Minghao’s words slowly sink in and a genuine wave of guilt rushes over Seokmin. He takes a deep breath. “I’m- I’m sorry. I’m sorry we’ve gone too far with our ribbing. Even if we did it in good fun, it doesn’t invalidate your feelings about it. I promise I’ll stop butting in from now on.”

Minghao sighs, his foot still on the brake in front of the intersection. “Listen, I know you were really upset when Jun was dating Josh. But you stepped back, didn’t you? Even if it was hard for you. So, I get it.”

“What does that have to do with-“

“Look, it was uncomfortable enough navigating the Hansol thing and that wasn’t anybody’s fault either. Just- I wanted Seungkwan to feel completely secure that Hansol had moved on from me. And on top of that, I really didn’t want Joshua-hyung to feel like he had “interrupted” anything between me and Jun.”

He pauses for a moment. “You weren’t the only one who needed to step back. I know that their breakup had some factors that were not ideal for any of us involved. And I’m sorry I lashed out at you back at Mingyu’s place. I’ll admit I was projecting a little when I said Josh doesn’t feel the same way towards you.”

_But doesn’t Jun feel the same way towards you?_ Seokmin almost says, before remembering the promise he just made. Nodding slowly, he gestures to the open road and Minghao finally drives through the intersection.

“Can I ask why the hell you have Josh’s shoe?” Minghao snorts, pointing at the Converse Seokmin placed on the floor of the car.

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“Well, I want to know. I mean, I won’t butt in either, because that’d make me a hypocrite.”

“Mm, it’s fine. Maybe I do need the advice,” Seokmin admits and proceeds to describe the events that took place earlier in the night. The look on Minghao’s face grows more and more exhausted as Seokmin outlines the story, reminding him of how he had reacted when he and Mingyu first came up with their (admittedly badly thought-out) plan.

“So you put your goblin hands and goblin mouth all over him?”

“Why do you have to say it like that?”

“Am I wrong?” Minghao huffs. “What do you want me to say, Seokmin? That’s it’s still a good idea to keep chasing him when even if he’ll kiss you back, he’ll run off anyway?”

“Well I-“

“I told you that Mingyu’s plan would fuck everything up. The one-way glass thing is lowkey funny, though. But if you really think you need my advice- just tell him the truth, man.”

Seokmin scans their surroundings while he pulls up to the parking lot of Joshua’s apartment building. “And I mean the whole truth. It’s not too late.” Minghao points down at the shoe again. “If you’re gonna keep chasing him, at least know where you’re even going.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua had nearly asked Jeonghan and Seungcheol if they would allow him to stay over at their house but caught himself in time, recognizing that the couple would definitely pester him on why exactly he felt the need to avoid his own home. He unlocks his apartment entrance, about to close it behind him when another hand reaches for the door, holding it open.

“You’re back too,” Seokmin comments like it isn’t obvious. Joshua waits for him to ask why they didn’t ride back home in the same car.

He doesn’t. “Uh, by the way-” Seokmin holds out to him something faded and blue. “This is yours, right? I found it after- yeah.”

“Oh, thanks,” Joshua tells him, grimacing a little. It was obvious that Seokmin didn’t want to talk about what happened earlier any more than he did. “I was looking for that.” 

Seokmin nods a little rigidly and pushes the Converse sneaker into his hands. Joshua pretends like he wasn’t half-hoping for some overly cheesy gesture of Seokmin kneeling down and putting the shoe back on for him. He’s relieved that the other man doesn’t seem to be aware of the strained tension he feels settle around them.

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” his roommate mutters as they enter the apartment. Joshua resists the urge to ask if he can join him because that would just be the worst way he could joke around right now.

He slides off his single sneaker, setting the other one down beside it. Seokmin walks to their room to grab a clean set of clothes and Joshua follows him, flopping onto the bed once the other man disappears to the bathroom. His eyelids grow heavy and before he knows it, he’s dozed off. Sleeping his problems away wasn’t ideal but maybe he-

_“Hyung,”_ a whine cuts in, accompanied by a poke at his arm. “Get your sweaty clothes off of the bed.”

“Shh, I’m trying to sleep,” he mutters back. Seokmin swats at him again.

“You’re gonna make the sheets smell like booze.”

“Who cares?”

“I do! I’m the one sleeping with you.”

The innuendo hangs in the air. Neither of them acknowledge it. Silence ripples through the bedroom before Joshua hears a grumble. A pair of arms scoop him up, causing his eyes to shoot open.

“Put me down!” he complains, kicking the air defensively. “When did you even get so strong?”

Seokmin just ignores him with a huff as he carries Joshua to the bathroom, opening the shower curtains and setting him down inside the bathtub. The older opens his mouth, expecting some cry of protest to come out but Seokmin just tosses a clean shirt at his face and closes the door. Joshua’s not even sure which one of them the shirt originally belonged to.

He would almost rather have dozed off again in the shower, unwilling to be alone with his thoughts of desperation and shame. Of course he doesn’t and Joshua properly washes up. Patting his hair dry, he exits the bathroom after his shower only to find Seokmin scrolling through his phone in bed. Joshua shakes his head at him, simultaneously towelling off the last of the water droplets as he swings his legs over into the bed.

“Aren’t you tired?” he yawns, gesturing at Seokmin’s phone. Seokmin gives him a look, but puts his phone away anyway. They both sink into the blankets and Joshua’s just glad the tension from before seemed to have faded away with time. Seokmin stirs in the bed, tossing and turning with his arms wrapped around all of Joshua’s pillows and stuffed animals.

Half an hour later, Joshua can’t take it anymore.

“Stop hogging the blankets,” he groans. “And the plushies. Shuamoroll is mine.”

“I named it that! So I get custody,” Seokmin responds with the cutest _humph_ Joshua’s ever heard.

“Custody? So now we’re divorced, huh? I see how it is,” Joshua scoffs good-naturedly. Seokmin just harumphs at him again, hugging the Cinnamoroll plushie closer to his chest and Joshua has never wanted to be a stuffed Sanrio character more badly than he does now.

“You wish we were married,” Seokmin mumbles under his breath and _yeah, I kind of fucking do._ Joshua catches himself and gathers the peach plushie into his arms and away from Seokmin’s side of the bed.

The younger of the two whines again and Joshua just shakes his head, about to roll back to the other side when the tangerine plushie starts climbing up his shoulder. Joshua raises an eyebrow as he eyes Seokmin’s hand hopping with the fruit until it’s burrowed in his neck.

“Minnie, you’re so childish.” _But so cute that I can’t even look at you._

Silence falls over them again. A soft exhale spills from Seokmin’s lips as Joshua shifts awkwardly in the blankets.

“Don’t leave the tangerine behind,” whimpers the tiny voice from behind him. “Shua-hyung, the tangerine _has_ to be with the peach. Please don’t separate them.”

“Stop acting cute,” Joshua tries to grumble but the strain in his tone taunts him that he’s really about to get teary over two stuffed fruits. Seokmin’s hand goes limp on his shoulder, the soft fluff of the tangerine tickling Joshua’s chin.

“The tangerine really loves the peach,” Seokmin sniffles, his voice growing smaller with every syllable.

It hurts. Joshua doesn’t even know what Seokmin is going on about but he wants to do everything in his power to make the pain go away.

“But the peach loves the tangerine too,” he chokes out, turning back around completely. He connects the peach’s hand to the tangerine’s. “And they’re not going anywhere.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**(8:00 AM)**

**mister strawberry: hello gamers!**

Seokmin sets his phone back on the nightstand and goes back to sleep.

**(8:01 AM)**

**mister strawberry: as you all know, the most important day of the year recently passed**

**(10:05 AM)**

**mister boo: my birthday was in january**

**(10:10 AM)**

**tigersaredummythicc: my birthday was in june**

**(10:11 AM)**

**mister strawberry: no!!**

**mister strawberry: im obviously talking about cheollie’s bday**

**mister strawberry: since we’ve all been busy we didn’t get the chance to throw him an official surprise party!!**

**mister strawberry: so i propose that everyone clear their schedules for the day after the showcase**

**(11:28 AM)**

**frog champion: ok**

**(11:30 AM)**

**mister strawberry: good**

**mister strawberry: now time to remove him from the chat so he doesn’t see this**

**(11:33 AM)**

**mister strawberry: does anyone know how to remove someone from a group chat**

“Party at Cheol and Han’s,” Seokmin reads back the messages from the morning absentmindedly. Joshua glances up from unzipping his guitar case. “The day after tomorrow.”

“Cheol’s birthday,” Joshua nods. “So I heard.”

He lays out his sheet music on the couch, unfurling the creases in the corners. “You’re not still mad at them, are you?” Seokmin blurts out.

“I was never mad,” Joshua responds quietly. Seokmin can’t tell whether he’s telling the truth. “Just- just disappointed that they didn’t tell me earlier about moving out. And I’m over it now- I’ve got the coolest new roommate anyway, right?”

He smiles sweetly at Seokmin, who gulps almost comically. Joshua just turns back to his guitar and Seokmin leans over the couch, glancing down at the song title with a grin. 

“I’m glad you ended up going with this one,” he remarks on Joshua’s song choice for the showcase.

Joshua laughs and that in itself is still Seokmin’s favourite song. “You said that the last few times I played it for you.”

“But it’s still the best song.”

“I guess so,” Joshua shrugs with a laugh. He moves his guitar into the proper playing position, fingers waiting on the strings.

“Play it again, hyung,” Seokmin gently knocks their shoulders together. Joshua smiles, and he starts to play the song. Seokmin listens patiently, a little disappointed Joshua is only playing the instrumental version right now. Perhaps that’s for the best, as he can save his voice for his real performance tomorrow.

The song comes to a close and Joshua sets the guitar down. “Is it really that great of a song?” he inquires over Seokmin’s proud applause.

“Of course it is! It makes me think of, you know. Growing old with my love and everything.” _Growing old with you,_ he almost lets slip.

“Well, that _is_ what the song is about,” Joshua remarks cheerfully. “I really like it too. But you know, I’m always glad to hear your opinion.”

He pauses. “You’re always so honest with me,” he murmurs, head ducked as he fumbles with the sheet music. “I really appreciate it.”

“Of course-“

“Thank you for always being honest with me,” Joshua repeats softly. Before Seokmin can figure out how to even answer that, Joshua stands, picking up his guitar and gathering his papers.

“I’m gonna go take a nap,” he announces and Seokmin nods slowly.

“Okay, I’ll just- oh, okay…” he trails off as Joshua walks away into their room. Seokmin watches him go, aware by now that Joshua just needed his space sometimes and he respects that, of course.

The door shuts with a quiet click _._ Seokmin leans against the wall and shuts his eyes.

_Thank you for always being honest with me._

How could he do this to Joshua? Joshua, who always believed in him. Joshua, who saw the best in everything Seokmin did. Joshua, who would be nothing short of shocked if he found out what Seokmin had been doing all along.

It all comes crashing down like a pile of bricks, all at once and _fuck_ did it hurt. Seokmin supposes that if he viewed what he was doing more objectively, he’d come to the conclusion that _oh,_ he was only doing this because he was so smitten but so shy at the same time- maybe he’d think what he was doing was just sweet and cute. But was it? It feels almost dirty, how he led Joshua to believe that Seokmin wants to spend all this time with him just to show off for Mingyu.

Minghao was right. He had been right from the start.

And the more Seokmin thinks about it, the worse the situation starts to appear. Joshua had invited him into his home and allowed him to stay for who knows how long. Even though Seokmin’s roommate problems were genuine, he had still let Joshua think that he had been truthful about everything. Maybe this all made it even worse, the way Seokmin not only couldn’t stick to telling the truth all the time but he couldn’t even be consistently a lying liar who lies to his hyung. Seokmin was just a stupid loser who sat there with tears in his eyes when the hyung he claimed to be so enamoured with started dating someone else. Someone cooler and less scared because why would Joshua ever spare Seokmin a glance when Seokmin had never told him the truth even back then? 

Now here they were and it all came full circle back to his inability to confess. 

There was zero reason to do this anymore. Any of it. Even if Wonwoo and Mingyu were still not communicating, this whole thing had spiraled into a mess that he could still fix if he spoke to Mingyu soon enough.

But Seokmin knows that isn’t enough. He still needs to come clean to Joshua about everything. All of it. He hopes Joshua will understand, and to some extent, Seokmin truly believes that he might. 

But he knows even then he doesn’t deserve it. But he has to do it. He thought all along that when this lie with Mingyu eventually ended (and on Mingyu’s terms), he would just tell Joshua that he lost interest in Mingyu. But that didn’t seem right anymore. It probably never was. 

And maybe this was what it meant to be brave all along. To do the right thing even when there was an easier way out. He’ll tell Joshua the truth after the showcase- he doesn’t want to distract or burden him with this. Seokmin chokes back a sob, his heart sinking once he realizes something else- Joshua will reject him directly this time.

Seokmin will finally confess and Joshua will finally reject him.

But anything was still better than losing him altogether. With a soft sigh, Seokmin takes out his phone. There was someone else he had to talk to first.

He has a few unopened text conversations, which he guesses range in intensity from more replies in the group chat to Wonwoo going all “sus sus sus” on him again. Seungkwan also DMs him about something, immediately after Hansol does and Seokmin doesn’t really want to open those messages right now either.

He settles on opening his chat with Mingyu and before he lets himself have second thoughts, Seokmin quickly taps out the messages.

**(9:57 PM)**

**diqué: i can't do this anymore**

**diqué: he’s gonna be so hurt if he finds out**

**diqué: sorry but i’m done**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you would like to see it.
> 
> edit: to be clear, the last part is indicating that seok is breaking off the deal with mingyu- sorry for any confusion jsdlkfjfdls


	21. Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wordcount: 10k

**_(1:08 AM)_ **

**_rocketman: Hey, are you still awake?_ **

**_diqué: i was about to head to bed_ **

**_diqué: why_ **

**_diqué: r u ok?_ **

**_(1:10 AM)_ **

**_diqué: hyung?_ **

**_rocketman: It’s ok_ **

**_rocketman: Have a good sleep :)_ **

**_diqué: ???_ **

**_diqué: what’s wrong?_ **

**_diqué: i’m happy to listen always_ **

**_(1:12 AM)_ **

**_rocketman: We broke up_ **

**_(1:15 AM)_ **

**_rocketman: Seok, you still there?_ **

**_diqué: sorry yeah im just_ **

**_diqué: im really sorry Shua hyung_ **

**_diqué: do u want to talk about it_ **

**_diqué: is there anything i can do to help?_ **

**_(1:16 AM)_ **

**_rocketman: Tbh idk atm_ **

**_rocketman: I guess I just wanted to_ **

**_rocketman: You know_ **

**_rocketman: Say it out loud. So it’s more real_ **

**_rocketman: Or at least type it out I guess_ **

**_rocketman: Thank you, though_ **

**_rocketman: You’re the best :)))_ **

_Seokmin stares at the chat bubble on his screen, the bleak, black letters staring back. Slowly, he sets his phone down on his bed, turning it off silently._

_Joshua and Junhui broke up. Joshua was single now. Joshua and Junhui broke up. Joshua was single now and maybe Seokmin would have a cha-_

_“No!” he scolds himself. “This isn’t about you at all. Shut up, shut up.”_

_“Who are you talking to, hyung?” Hansol’s voice rings out cheerily from the entrance of his room and Seokmin ducks his head, turning his back to his roommate. Hansol strolls over to him nonchalantly, oblivious as he plops down on the bed._

_“Do you think the gang would want to go play laser tag sometime? I’m trying to look up some arenas that are easily accessible to all of us-” Hansol stops, noticing Seokmin’s shaking shoulders. “Hey, you good?”_

_“They broke up,” Seokmin blurts out, turning back and letting his head fall onto Hansol’s lap. “Joshua-hyung and Jun-hyung broke up.”_

_“...Oh. Wow, I didn’t expect that,” Hansol scratches his head. “You seem distraught. Can I ask wh-”_

_“I know, I know I don’t have a reason to be so-” Seokmin swallows. “-Overwhelmed. This isn’t any of my business at all.”_

_“I guess?” Hansol nods slowly, like he doesn’t know what to say. “I mean, you can’t help how you feel. You’ve liked him for a really long time and now he’s, um. Available?” Hansol wrinkles his nose, second-guessing his choice of words. “I think it’s understandable for you to feel some way or another about this.”_

_“But he’s hurting, Hansol,” Seokmin replies quietly. “He’s hurting and even though it’s not my first thought, I still think about what it could mean for us. That’s so shitty, what the fuck am I doing?”_

_He knows he’s too sensitive, too easily swamped with emotions when anything attacks the most fragile part of his heart so impulsively. But Joshua was sad. When Joshua was sad, Seokmin hated the world and also himself, for still hoping. Clinging. Wishing._

_“Hmm,” Hansol wonders aloud. “To tell you the truth, I have no idea what to say about that. But it just happened, right? Give yourself some time to let it sink in. Then uh, I guess you’d have to figure out where to go from there.”_

_“That makes sense,” Seokmin mumbles, looking at the floor. Maybe he could allow himself to dwell on his feelings for just a little longer. But he’d have to do it privately. He couldn’t anyone see him so pitiful and guilty._

_Especially not Joshua. Seokmin is terrified of seeing him next- to just be able to perceive the fact that Joshua was single again only made his chest grow tighter and the little bit of hope that he’d tried his hardest to keep from blooming would just flourish and ruin everything._

_There was only one solution he could think of. He had to put distance between himself and Joshua, at least temporarily. It was for Joshua’s own good- and also for Seokmin’s. The last time he tried to avoid Joshua, it had led to Seokmin eventually accepting the situation, so theoretically, this should work out well._

_It wasn’t like he had any alternative plans, anyway. Seokmin musters up a grimace and turns back to Hansol._

_“So, what were you saying about laser tag?”_

  
  


  
  
  
  
  


_“Hrrrrk,”_ Soonyoung hack-coughs into the microphone and groans of varying volumes can be heard from the audience. “Um, good afternoon everybody!”

The crowd’s mild disgust is quickly forgotten as they erupt into cheers, Joshua clapping alongside his friends as they watch from below the stage. “What the hell is he wearing?” Jeonghan comments in horror from the spot beside him.

“What does it look like?” Joshua replies, because the answer was simple- Soonyoung was up there in front of their entire university in a tiger mascot suit. The only reason they even knew who was inside the costume was because the dancer’s friends received prior notice that he would be the host of the university’s summer showcase. Despite his previous fretting that he would be unable to host as Woozi, or at least without revealing his identity, Jihoon had managed to convince the organizers to find somebody else.

“Isn’t he performing in the show later?” Jeonghan points out. “How can he host _and_ perform with the dance team?”

Joshua nudges Jihoon, who’s clapping quietly on his other side. “Did you convince him to take over for you?”

“I didn’t have to,” Jihoon tells him with a smile. They look back up to the stage, where Soonyoung is rambling on the introductions of the show, the host struggling to read off of his cue cards through his mascot head.

“I know that many of you were hoping Woozi would finally show his face as the host,” he starts and the crowd cheers again. “Unfortunately, he will not!”

The audience boos. “But worry not!” Soonyoung continues enthusiastically, tossing his cards away. “Woozi loves his job and his loyal listeners. He told me to pass on the message that all he asks of you guys is to respect his right to reveal his true identity when he’s ready. But what I _can_ confirm for you is-” 

Soonyoung pauses and Joshua hears the tiny crack in his voice. “Woozi is the most special person I’ve ever met.”

The crowd coos and claps, as Jihoon’s friends shove him teasingly, poking at his red ears as much as they can get away with without anyone else noticing and without Jihoon shoving them back.

“And he’s doing great!” Soonyoung shouts. “But I hope you will enjoy having me, _Hoshi,_ as your host today.”

“Hoshi?” Jihoon repeats, dumbfounded. “How did he come up with that?”

“I’m pretty sure ‘Hoshi’ means ‘star’ in Japanese,” Jeonghan points out.

“Well,” Jihoon mumbles under his breath. “He really is the brightest star _I’ve_ ever seen.”

Joshua smiles. He scans the sea of faces, searching for their other friends. Half of the group is somewhere in the crowd, finding their way back from the concession stand, while the other half is waiting backstage in the large tent behind the grand platform, prepared to perform in the first act of the show. Wonwoo walks over to them, balancing six hotdogs in his arms, Hansol not far behind with various soft drinks. The five of them eat carefully as they watch the showcase progress, whistling and applauding the loudest for their friends while Jeonghan and Hansol film them with their cell phones.

Seungcheol had ended up roping in Mingyu to perform a rapping and beatboxing routine with him, in spite of Jihoon’s claim that the university did not consider those to be talents. Seungkwan belts out a powerful ballad, touching all of their hearts. Joshua catches Hansol sniffling again and he considers checking up on their situation.

He opens his mouth, ready to ask when Soonyoung takes the stage once more to announce the next performer.

“Well, Seungkwan’s singing sure made me happy!” he trills, cue cards still scattered on the floor. “Our next performer will also be singing for us. He’ll be performing a calming rendition of Only Think of You by Vanilla Acoustic. Please give it up for Lee Seokmin!”

Wild cheers burst through the crowd and Seokmin steps out from the curtains. Joshua just stares, barely registering Jeonghan tapping on his phone to take another video or Wonwoo swallowing the last of his hot dog with a low burp. Seokmin glows under the light of the sunny afternoon, his casual but sleek shirt hugging his hips loosely. There’s a little too much gel in his coffee-coloured locks but Joshua likes how his hair looks pushed back.

“Thank you, I was worried I had put too much in,” Seokmin had beamed at him before the show started. Joshua, Jeonghan, and Wonwoo had skipped backstage to wish their friends good luck, and Joshua took the opportunity to fuss over Seokmin’s outfit and hairstyle.

“Break a leg out there,” he told him, squeezing his shoulder. Seokmin stared at him, biting his lip like he wanted to say something.

“Hyung-” he started, the uncertainty on his face not swaying. “There’s something I have to tell you later.”

“Hm?” Joshua tilted his head. “Is it urgent? You could tell me now, there’s still a bit of time before the show starts.”

“But I don’t want to distract you from your own performance,” Seokmin blurted out. “Can we just talk later? Maybe find some time at Cheol’s party or something?”

“Ah, okay,” Joshua nodded slowly and without warning, Seokmin enveloped him in a hug. Joshua patted his back, chuckling. “Silly, is it a really big thing?”

“Kind of…” is all Seokmin managed to get out before Jeonghan tugged Joshua away and they all retreated back to the front to meet up with Jihoon.

Seokmin steps back as Soonyoung adjusts the microphone stand for him. He takes a tentative breath and places his hands around the mic. Joshua hugs his arms tightly over his chest, as if the mere motion could peel his eyes away from Seokmin. Stupid, gorgeous Seokmin that Joshua had all the time to gawk at earlier and yet here he is still staring with his jaw on the wet grass under his feet.

“Um, hi everyone,” Seokmin chuckles lightly and the crowd greets him back enthusiastically. “I know this is supposed to be a duet but uh, I guess I’ll be covering both parts? And this song is for...someone special in the crowd right now.”

Joshua feels Jeonghan and Jihoon eyeing him and even Hansol lets out a quiet laugh in his direction. How strange. He does his best to push away the image of Mingyu sitting backstage and watching Seokmin from the monitor.

“Yeah, so!” Seokmin practically shouts into the mic. “Here it is.”

  
  


_You're so pretty_

_In those clothes only you can pull off_

_You're so cute_

_Even when you eat, with those puffy cheeks_

_He says I look pretty_

_Without any makeup_

_He says I look cute_

_Even if I become a bit chubby_

_I never wanted to share you with anyone_

_I want to see you every breathing moment_

_But I'm a little worried I might lose you_

_What if I lose you_

_I wasn't sure at first_

_What made me flutter this much_

_But when everything you do seems so cute_

_I can't help but think of you every day_

  
  


Seokmin seems to finally spot him in the crowd. Joshua gives him his best smile and a thumbs up and Seokmin grins back. His confidence seems to soar from there but Joshua can tell there’s still an underlying current of uncertainty about something. He supposes it must be performance nerves.

_He says I'm funny_

_He says my cooking tastes like honey_

_Even our mushy ways_

_We enjoy every bit of it_

_I never wanted to share you with anyone_

_I want to see you every breathing moment_

_But I'm a little worried I might lose you_

_What if I lose you,_ _what if I want your voice to_

_Wake me up in the morning_

_I want your arms to_

_Put me to sleep at night_

_I never wanted to share you with anyone_

_I want to see you every breathing moment If you're fine with it, I'll take a step closer Please hold me and don't let go_

_I wasn't sure at first_

_What made me flutter this much_

_But when your love is all I can think of_

_I can't help but love you back the same_

_Only you_

  
  


“Yeah!” Jeonghan wails loudly and Hansol whistles over the thunderous applause around them. Seokmin takes his bows, some dramatically and others a little more shyly and Joshua’s eyes don’t leave his face until his figure disappears past the curtains.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Great job, buddy!” Soonyoung slams his bouncy paws down on Seokmin’s shoulders and Seokmin winces a bit at the force. Rubbing at his arm, he looks around the backstage tent, trying to remember where he left his belongings. He finally spots his backpack propped up on a small table next to a rolling rack of costumes and he makes his way over.

Just when he’s about to grab it, Seokmin catches a glimpse of Junhui running past him, his eyes trained confusedly on Soonyoung. Chan struggles to catch up to him, indiscernible protests spilling from his mouth. Seokmin smiles, ready to walk over too when the dance team starts yelling over each other.

“I mean, it’s not really a secret?” Chan crosses his arms defensively. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised, hyung.”

“I just never thought he’d admit it out loud, though,” Junhui shouts back, raking a hand through his styled-up hair. “I’m not complaining, though. I feel like maybe we could finally make some progress towards our communication.”

“Okay, as happy as I am for you, we need him right now for a different reason,” Soonyoung pushes them away from each other. “Twenty-five minutes left until intermission is over and I think I need to remind all of you some different parts of the choreography.”

_Of course._ Seokmin ducks behind the rolling rack, looking both ways before slinging his bag over his shoulders and taking off out of the tent. He has a pretty good idea of what the dance team, minus Minghao, is shouting about. Considering his promise to Minghao and the very probable possibility of Minghao walking up to the team in about five seconds from now, Seokmin is not about to get caught in the middle of it all, especially today. All he wants to do tonight is surprise Seungcheol for his belated birthday party and confess to Joshua properly. The last thing he needs right now is more drama, even though he’ll be the first to admit he’s itching to know how this will all work out.

Seokmin makes it out of the tent unscathed, exhaling as he slows down his pace. He takes out his phone, ready to text his friends to see where they were standing in the audience. A sudden tap on his shoulder makes him jump and he whips his head around.

“Oh, it’s just you,” Seokmin tucks away his cell phone while Mingyu shuffles his feet in front of him.

“Yep, just me,” he grimaces and the corners of Seokmin’s mouth drop. “Look, are we like, cool?” Mingyu asks him carefully, his tone laced with concern and Seokmin squints at him.

“Of course?” he replies, confused. “Why wouldn’t we be?”

“You’d tell me if something was up, right?” Mingyu blurts out and Seokmin nods quickly.

“Well, yeah,” he affirms. “What’s up, though? Is something the matter?”

“I’m not sure…” Mingyu trails off, scratching his head. “You know what? I’m probably just overthinking things.”

He shakes his head and gestures weakly at the large crowd of university students. “Let’s just go find the others. Forget I said anything.”

“Okay?” Seokmin struggles to keep up with Mingyu’s longer stride. He seemed to be using it to his advantage today. “By the way,” Seokmin adds. “Did you get my text? About dissolving the plan?”

“What text?” Mingyu looks at him incredulously. “And- you want to dissolve the plan?”

“Yeah,” Seokmin responds, frowning. “Did you not receive my message from last night?”

“No?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Mingyu shrugs. “But why do you want to break off our plan? It’s been going pretty well, if I do say so myself.”

“But Wonwoo is already super suspicious,” Seokmin points out. “I just don’t think this is effective for either of us anymore. Maybe it never was, I don’t know. It got Wonwoo’s attention but he seems like he doesn’t know how to approach you anymore. At least, not sober anyway.”

“Can we just do it for a little longer?” Mingyu pleads. “At least until he starts to ask me about it more. Even if it’s about how suspicious he is.”

“But that’s what I’m saying- he’s not going to approach you,” Seokmin points out. “This is getting out of hand and I already told Joshua-hyung I had something to talk to him about. I-” Seokmin pauses. “I’m gonna tell him the truth. About everything.”

“Everything?”

“All of it,” Seokmin nods firmly. “I’ve made up my mind, Gyu. I’m sorry.”

“Everything?” Mingyu repeats, narrowing his eyes. Seokmin holds up his hands defensively.

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

Mingyu grows quiet for a moment and Seokmin holds his breath. “Fine,” the taller man finally agrees, albeit begrudgingly. “Tell him, Seokmin. Tell Joshua everything!” he shouts. “And I’ll tell Wonwoo everything. Look at us, telling everyone everything! Who knows, maybe you’ll even start telling _me_ everything, huh?”

“What?” Seokmin gapes at him but Mingyu spins on his heel and stomps away, disappearing into the crowd. Seokmin pinches the bridge of his nose frustratedly. Of course, _of course_ he’ll just run into a new issue after running away from another. Huffing, he reaches into his pocket, wanting to check his phone again.

He’s pretty sure he sent that message to Mingyu last night. But if he didn’t receive it, then what happened? Seokmin scrolls through his phone, sifting through several text conversations before the message he sent last night pops up on his screen and- _oh, no. Oh, no._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Joshua isn’t sure what he just walked into.

“Who told you!” Minghao shrieks, his face in his hands and Junhui throws his hands in the air in confusion.

“Does it matter? I like you too, you know. I just never thought this would actually happen, since you’ve always been so defensive about the idea.”

"But don't you see?" Minghao stomps around while Junhui watches him frantically. Chan, donned in their slick team outfits, has one hand on the stairs' railing, looking back and forth from the stage to his friends. On stage, Soonyoung drones on about how amazing the dance team is, still wearing the tiger costume.

"See what?" Junhui waves his arms around the air.

"You don't have to pretend just because they told you!"

"Pretend what?" Junhui echoes. Soonyoung continues to screech from the front.

_“The dance team is ferocious, just like a tiger. Rawr!”_

"That you actually feel the same way," Minghao huffs. "If you really did, you would have said something before. Maybe before we started being friends with benefits. Maybe before I got close to Hansol and he kind of got the wrong idea. Maybe before you were dating him," Minghao nods at Joshua, who's next in line to perform after the dance team. "You've had plenty of chances to say something before but you really waited until word got out about the truth? Bullshit."

_"I don’t know, I just think the dance team is stellar and very handsome, and in my very unbiased opinion, they deserve more funding..."_

"But what could I have done?" Junhui exclaims. "You'd always act a certain way that made me think, _I think HaoHao's in denial,_ but I knew it wouldn't be an easy conversation to have if I was the one who told you the truth."

_"You know who on the dance team is really cool? The captain, Kwon Soonyoung! He’s so sexy and stylish, and I think everyone should know that..."_

"You..." Minghao is finally at a loss for words. “What do you want me to say?”

“Say that you really do feel the same way I do,” Junhui replies firmly. “We need to discuss the circumstances about our entire situation but I just want you to not be afraid of even starting that conversation.”

The determination in his eyes is undeniable and Joshua realizes that perhaps, this could be the true closure he’s been seeking for so long.

Not that it’s about him. Minghao stays silent for the longest time and Joshua holds his breath for them. No matter what comes out of this, he’ll support them and he thinks he can finally say there are no hard feelings- and mean it completely.

“Why are you all still standing around?” Soonyoung’s voice breaks through the silence in the tent. Somehow, he’s already changed out of his mascot suit. “We have a routine to perform! Chop, chop!”

“Yes, hyung!” Chan tries weakly after no one else says anything. Minghao snaps out of it and trudges up the stairs after his captain, the other two following him not a second later.

Before Joshua knows it, it’s his turn to perform. Soonyoung, back in his hosting costume, calls out his name and Joshua nods to himself one more time in front of the backstage mirror. He grabs his guitar and walks up to wait in the wings.

“Wow, the dance team was just spectacular! You know who else will be spectacular? That would be Hong Joshua, who will be performing the acoustic version of 17 by Pink Sweats. Please welcome him to the stage!”

Wiping down the palms of his hands, Joshua takes a deep breath and strolls out to the stage. Applause bursts from the audience fanned out in front of him and Joshua wonders when the university population got so big. Wasn’t it the summer time? Why were there still so many students and why were they all _here?_ Waiting. Anticipating. For him.

Joshua swallows the lump in his throat and shakily reaches for the microphone. “Um, hello?” he musters, and the mic squeaks, sending out a horribly pitchy audio feedback loop. The audience covers their ears, wincing and Joshua cringes. How did he let Seokmin talk him into this?

He looks out at the crowd. A sea of expectant faces look back at him. Joshua searches for a familiar face, anybody he’s certain he can count on. But there’s too many people, many with hair colours too bright and neon and Joshua can’t pick out his friends.

And he can’t find Seokmin. If there’s ever a time Joshua needs him the most, it’s right now, right as he stands in front of thousands of people with sweaty hands trembling under his guitar. A few people cough and Joshua shakes his head to himself.

He can do this. He has to. And not just because there’s a tiger standing off to the side holding his arms up with confusion at Joshua’s frozen state.

“Hi,” he tries again and thankfully, the audio is fine again. “Um, thank you for coming and I hope you’ll enjoy this performa-”

He stops. His eyes land on Seokmin, who’s standing there, right in the centre of the crowd and waving at him wildly. On either side of him stands Jeonghan and Hansol, both still holding their phones up. Next to them are Seungcheol and Wonwoo and Jihoon and Mingyu and-

They’re all there. Seokmin beams at him and waves again. Joshua smiles back, hoping the younger man can recognize who it’s for.

“This song goes out to someone very important to me,” he blurts out impulsively into the microphone. Joshua’s fingers move to prepare the first chord and then he’s off.

  
  


_I would need a million words_

_If I tried to define_

_All the things you mean to me, yeah_

_For you I'd die a thousand lives_

_Special kind of energy_

_'Cause love is born when hearts collide_

_Every time you touch me_

_You remind me that I'm still alive_

_So promise you'll never change_

_And I'll always be the same_

_We'll be dancing the same groove_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

_And I'll never lie to you_

_Just don't you hold back on me_

_I wanna love you as strong_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

_I don't really know what's right_

_But I can never call you wrong_

_I just wanna dance with you_

_Floating over marble floors_

_You're something like an angel_

_You do something to my mind_

_I can see a thousand years_

_When I'm looking in your eyes_

_So promise you'll never change_

_And I'll always be the same_

_We'll be dancing the same groove_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

_And I'll never lie to you_

_Just don't you hold back on me_

_I wanna love you as strong_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

_Just promise you'll never change_

_And I'll always be the same_

_We'll be dancing the same groove_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

_And I'll never lie to you_

_Just don't you hold back on me_

_I wanna love you as strong_

_When we're ninety-two, the same as seventeen_

  
  


The last note fades away and the crowd erupts into cheers and yells. Joshua stands there, frozen and stunned again. The audience liked his song. His friends liked his song.

Seokmin liked his song. Joshua catches his eye again and Seokmin looks up at him, his expression nothing short of proud and loving. For the second time that day, Joshua has a hard time tearing his gaze away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**(5:18 PM)**

**mister strawberry: are we all accounted for?**

**mister strawberry: say aye pls**

**rocketman: Aye**

**catboy extraordinaire: aye!**

**tigersaredummythicc: AYE**

**wonwoohoo: aye.**

**doctor universe: sure**

**frog champion: ok**

**gyu-kaku: AYE**

**diqué: AYE**

**mister boo: fuck yeah hyung**

**kidney privilege: aye**

**chanasaur: AYE**

**(5:19 PM)**

**mister strawberry: some of you did not follow my instructions**

**mister strawberry: but i will overlook that**

**mister strawberry: this time**

**mister strawberry: alright gamers assemble**

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**(5:30 PM)**

**esketit: josh can you add me back to the gc**

**esketit: why did i get kicked :(**

“He’s getting suspicious!” Seokmin yells into the living room, opening the screen door and waving his phone at his friends as if they could even see the screenshot of Seungcheol’s message to Joshua that the latter had sent to Seokmin.

“Which means that they’re on their way,” Soonyoung adds, taping the birthday banner up with Minghao holding up the other side. “Seungcheol works fast but Jeonghan and Joshua work faster.”

Seungkwan squints at their spirit-filled banner. “Congrats on your graduation?”

“We’re on a budget here,” Chan points out, blowing air into a balloon. “He _did_ graduate college in April.”

Everyone laughs and Seokmin walks into the kitchen. Mingyu and Junhui place finishing touches on the homemade birthday cake, icing the third layer carefully with pink and white frosting.

“That looks like a wedding cake,” Seokmin laughs and Junhui chortles along with him. Mingyu doesn’t even look up from the icing and Seokmin frowns to himself. What the hell did he even do? Was Mingyu really that upset about dissolving the plan? Seokmin crosses his arms stubbornly and flounces back to the patio. It doesn’t matter what Mingyu thinks- being honest with Joshua is more important and Seokmin regrets having taken so long to act on resolving his previous actions.

Out on the patio, Hansol unpacks the party sized chip bags and Jihoon sets down five different brands of coolers on the table. Wonwoo places a party hat on Kkhuma, trying to calm down the barking puppy who has already peed in three sets of sandals since they all arrived. 

Seokmin coos at the sight and Wonwoo gives him a small smile. “Party hats are over there,” he says, gesturing to a stack of colourful cones sitting on the corner of the table. “By the way-”

“Listen-” Seokmin starts at the same time and they both laugh a little awkwardly. Wonwoo nods for him to continue first and Seokmin looks around the room.

“I know you’ve been confused about how I’ve- or rather, Mingyu _and_ I- have been acting,” he explains slowly and Wonwoo scoffs.

“And I’ll bet it has something to do with that weird text I got last night.”

“Yeah. It does,” Seokmin admits. “And I’m gonna tell you everything. I’ve been trying to get Mingyu to agree, but I’m done lying and-”

“Seokmin, it’s okay,” Wonwoo shrugs, patting at Kkhuma’s snowy fur. “I’m not stupid, I know what’s going on.”

_What?_ “What do you...mean?” Seokmin bites his lip, choosing his words carefully. “I- I don’t think you-”

“That text wasn’t meant for me, was it?” Kkhuma’s hat falls off and Wonwoo reaches down to pick it up. Seokmin’s mouth falls open in surprise. “I don’t know who you meant to send it to but you were talking about me, right?”

“Wait. Wait-” Seokmin whips out his cell phone again and looks for the message.

**(9:57 PM)**

**diqué: i can't do this anymore**

**diqué: he’s gonna be so hurt if he finds out**

**diqué: sorry but i’m done**

“Yeah, that one,” Wonwoo peers down at his phone. “You knew I would be hurt to find out you and Mingyu are actually going out now.”

“Excuse me?” Seokmin screeches and Wonwoo puts Kkhuma down, the puppy rushing back indoors. Wonwoo gives Seokmin a sad smile and he shrugs again.

“At first, I really was super confused,” he tells him. “Especially during that video call when Joshua said you and _him_ were going out on a date. But I was thinking about it all last night and I finally figured it out. It’s so simple, I don’t know why I overthought all of it before.”

“Um-”

“You and Mingyu were flirting because you guys were just into each other. And Joshua was helping you make Mingyu jealous, right?” Wonwoo raises an eyebrow at him and Seokmin just continues to gape at him, unsure of how to respond.

“I knew it,” Wonwoo shakes his head. “I’m not mad at you, Seokmin. Actually, I kind of am but-”

He pauses and lets out a sigh. “I guess I can’t really do anything about it, right?”

He pushes gently past Seokmin and wanders back inside. The younger man just stands there, feet stuck to the floor. He slams his palm on his forehead, groaning. Everytime he thought the mess that was this entire situation would finally stop piling up, something else would happen and Seokmin would sink deeper into this horribly dug hole he and Mingyu had created.

And- _no._ He’s not going to let Wonwoo believe another lie either. Seokmin pulls himself together and turns around, about to follow Wonwoo and explain the real truth. He needs to pull Mingyu aside too, and just talk everything through with the both of them. Whether Mingyu liked that or not.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Can I at least get a hint on where we’re going?” Seungcheol whines in the backseat, squirming as Joshua and Jeonghan stifle their giggles in the front. Seungcheol kicks his boyfriend’s seat immaturely and Jeonghan gives up, letting out a cackle. His laughter is contagious and Joshua bursts into guffaws too, slapping his knee loudly. Seungcheol continues to protest and his complaints just make his friends laugh harder.

“You guys!”

“We’re sorry,” Joshua calms down and tries to placate him. “You’ll see, okay? We’re almost there.”

Seungcheol harrumphs and rolls down the window. “Fine. But it just looks like we’re going back to our house.”

“Interesting!” Jeonghan declares and stops at a red light. “Speaking of our house-” he hastily diverts the topic at hand. “Shua, you’ve only been over a few times to visit us. And you never stay too long, either.”

Joshua snorts, looking away from him. It had been a while since Jeonghan moved out but his sudden betrayal, no matter how minor it was, still stung. “That’s because I’m still mad at you.”

“Oh, come on,” Jeonghan hits his arm lightly. “I’m still not sure why you were that angry in the first place.”

“You’re still not sure? It’s because I’m never a priority to anyone and I’m just sick of being reminded of it all the time!” Joshua explodes and the car grows silent. “It’s not even necessarily about being _first_ priority,” he bites. “It’s the fact that you two told me so late and you guys haven’t been that apologetic about it. You’ll go on about your stupid jacuzzi and your stupid swimming pool but you haven’t asked how I’ve been handling _my_ new living situation.”

“I mean, we asked how you and Seokmin were,” Jeonghan reminds him. “The night of our karaoke time, remember?”

“It’s not the same,” Joshua mutters. “You just wanted to bug me about him, specifically.”

“Okay, he’s right,” Seungcheol admits, leaning in from the backseat and placing a hand on each of their seats. “We haven’t been fair to Joshua. We owe him a real apology.”

Jeonghan sighs, leaning back in the driver’s seat. “I suppose it was pretty irresponsible of us.”

“It was,” Joshua mutters.

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan finally mumbles, turning to Joshua when they stop at another intersection. “We were being inconsiderate towards you.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol scratches at the back of his neck. “We got caught up with our own stuff but that’s a reason, not an excuse.”

“Thank you,” Joshua says quietly. Jeonghan pulls up into his driveway and Seungcheol looks around their surroundings outside.

“Wait, why are we at home?”

Jeonghan and Joshua just smile.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Mingyu!” Seokmin calls out after him, his tallest friend stomping away outside when he notices Seokmin coming. “Gyu, wait up!”

“Hyung, be careful-” Hansol tries to warn him but Seokmin nearly faceplants on wooden planks when he trips over the extension cord strewn out on the patio. He picks himself up, dusting off his pants before his gaze follows the cord up to the tiny projector sitting on the snack table.

Jihoon adjusts the device and Hansol taps on his phone. “Jeonghan-hyung says we can use this to show off our favourite memories together,” the latter informs Seokmin. “I’ve been working on a whole slideshow for the past few days so I just need to find where I saved the file.”

Seungkwan enters the patio, Chan and Soonyoung in tow and the three of them sink comfortably into seat cushions. Hansol lets out continuous noises of frustration as he scrolls through his files and Seokmin turns back to Mingyu, who’s leaning against the door with his arms crossed.

“Look, we need to talk-” he insists but Mingyu immediately shoots back a glare.

“Whatever it is, you can say it here,” he insists angrily, waving his hand over their friends listening in confusion and curiosity. In Seokmin’s periphery, he notices Soonyoung pulling Jihoon onto his lap and Junhui stepping onto the patio to take a seat. “Say it in front of everyone, Seokmin,” Mingyu scowls. _“Tell them.”_

_What the hell?_ Seokmin narrows his eyes. “Why have you been so aggressive towards me today? What did I do?”

“You talk this big talk about deciding to tell everyone the truth, Seokmin,” Mingyu tells him, as Minghao walks out from the living room too. “And yet I’m almost certain you’ve been leaving me in the dark this whole time.”

“What are you talking about?” Seokmin yells back. 

Minghao steps forward in between them, arms outstretched. “If this is what I think it’s about, then I have something to say too,” he cuts in and Mingyu tries to elbow past him. “Both of you, stop it,” he hisses. “I told you guys to butt out of my business but you just had fuck that up too.”

All heads turn to look at Minghao but he’s only scowling at Mingyu and Seokmin. “One of you-” he points back and forth between them. “-Thought it was okay to tell him-” Minghao motions at Junhui. “-That I like him.”

Everyone opens their mouths at the same time. “Yeah, it’s true, okay!” Minghao snaps at them. “But my point is, I specifically told Seokmin to stop going around telling everyone, _‘Ooooh, Minghao’s in love with his fuck buddy slash best friend and he should tell him because I want to project my own love problems onto someone else’.”_

“You guys are fuck buddies?” At least three voices shout out but they’re instantly drowned by the louder voices.

“Now hold on just one second-” Junhui rises from his seat but the other three ignore him, still shouting over each other.

“But I wasn’t the one who told Junhui that you like him!” Seokmin shouts at Minghao, who just scoffs.

“Well, then it must be you, then!” he declares, whipping around to face Mingyu. _“Look at me, I’m Mingyu and I concoct terribly executed plans with Seokmin to get Wonwoo to like me and shocker- none of them work!”_

“WHAT?” Wonwoo stands at the door of the patio, gripping at the handle with the most incredulous expression Seokmin has ever seen on his face. “What do you mean ‘concocting terribly executed plans’?”

_Oh, shit. Oh, no._ “Hyung, look. About that-” Mingyu starts to move towards him but a sudden gasp of excitement interrupts all of them.

“Yes!” Hansol cheers, tapping happily at his phone. “I got the slideshow to work. Guys, check this out.”

He swipes at his screen and the projector lights up. Cast upon the wall behind Seungkwan’s head is one image.

Just one.

One that immediately throws Seokmin’s entire group of friends into a frenzy of yells.

“I knew it!” Mingyu points furiously at the screen while Wonwoo dives over the table to turn off the projector. “I didn’t think there would actually be photographic evidence but I fucking called it.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Hansol cries, swiping frantically in an attempt to change the image. Wonwoo smashes the power off button in a panic but it’s too late.

They all saw it. The yells continue to erupt and Seokmin frantically looks from one friend to another. “Guys, when did this happen?” Soonyoung demands to know, his hands coming up to grip either side of his head.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Seokmin argues back. Wonwoo scrambles to pick himself off the floor, with the projector in his hands.

Seungkwan jumps up on the cushions and waves his arms around wildly. “What else could that look like? First, no one tells me about Junhui and Minghao being butt buddies-”

“Okay, first of all, never use that term in my presence again-” Jihoon groans, before getting interrupted like everyone else.

“-And now we’re seeing photos of Wonwoo and Seokmin embracing each other in bed. What the fuck, where was this even taken?”

“On the weird-ass cruise Wonwoo took me and Hansol on in January ‘cause he thought he wasn’t fun enough!” Seokmin shouts. Fuck it, if everything was getting exposed, he might as well just reveal all of it.”

“Seokmin, I don’t even care that you and Wonu fucked on a cruise ship in the past or whatever,” Mingyu wails tiredly over the ten other voices. “I just can’t believe you’d never tell me such a big thing and I had to decipher it from a text message.”

“We never had sex on the cruise ship!” Wonwoo and Seokmin scream in unison, the latter jumping up on the table and spilling an open beer can. “It really isn’t what it looks like, Gyu,” Seokmin pleads with him. “And what text message are you talking about?”

“The one I saw Wonwoo open this morning,” Mingyu cries out and Wonwoo narrows his eyes, taking out his phone.

**(9:57 PM)**

**diqué: i can't do this anymore**

**diqué: he’s gonna be so hurt if he finds out**

**diqué: sorry but i’m done**

“This again?” Seokmin can’t believe it. “That’s literally the message I told you about this morning. About dissolving the plan.”

“So, that message wasn’t about you and Mingyu being together?” Wonwoo gasps. “Also- okay, yeah can we go back to what the hell this plan you keep bringing up is?” he snaps. Seokmin is about to finally, _finally_ launch into an explanation but Mingyu budges in again.

“So, why were you guys cuddling like that?”

“Because he was drunk and insecure about being cool!” Seokmin retorts carelessly. Wonwoo angrily spins around to look up at him directly.

“Oh, yeah? I’m the reason you even got on that cruise. Don’t forget that I brought you there so you could stop being so obnoxiously smitten with Joshua,” Wonwoo snarls. “And it didn’t even work, did it Seokmin? Honestly, nobody sitting here has any idea how Joshua still doesn’t know that you’ve been in love with him since-”

“Since when?” a tiny, teary voice speaks up. Twelve- _twelve?_ \- heads turn to the doorway and Seokmin’s heart stops. 

Joshua stands at the entrance, visibly shaking with his arms crossed over his chest as he looks up at Seokmin with watery eyes and trembling lips. Seokmin almost doesn’t register Jeonghan and Seungcheol standing on either side of Joshua, looking nearly as shocked as their best friend. He picks up on a few gasps and other soft sounds of sympathy but Seokmin is only looking at Joshua.

Just like he always has. “H-hyung…” he squeaks out, his body as frozen as a museum statue. A million thoughts run through Seokmin’s mind, most of them creative variations of the word _fuck._ His mouth falls open but nothing comes out. Seokmin hears Joshua sniffle and before anyone can stop him, the older man swings a leg over the short fence of the patio and takes off running, disappearing around the corner of the yard.

“Hyung, wait!” Seokmin jumps off of the table so quickly he almost lands on his face- again- and chases after Joshua. The last thing he hears from the patio is an uncomfortable “Surprise?” from Soonyoung to Seungcheol and Wonwoo frustratedly calling out for Seokmin to turn back.

He doesn’t. Seokmin knows he’s made a hundred too many mistakes in the past few months. 

The last thing he wants to do is to make one more.

  
  
  
  
  
  


He finds Joshua sitting with his legs in the pool, shaking his hung head and mumbling indiscernible words under his breath. Seokmin approaches him slowly, not wanting to startle him.

But of course Joshua already knows he followed him. “Is this what you wanted to tell me tonight?” he mumbles, not looking up. Seokmin swallows the lump in his throat and quietly tiptoes closer to the swimming pool.

“Yeah,” he chokes out. “But it wasn’t...supposed to go this way.”

“I could tell,” Joshua scoffs a little. The waves in the water shift as he moves his feet.

“How much of that did you hear?” Seokmin asks quietly, kneeling down to sink his own legs into the pool. It’s nearly the end of August, the end of the summer but he’s glad he wore shorts on this particular day.

“Just enough,” Joshua responds. Seokmin almost expects him to move away from him. 

He doesn’t. “How- how long have you been in love with me?”

“...A long time,” Seokmin admits. “A really long time.”

He can’t say he expected _this_ to be the way Joshua found out about his feelings. A thousand permutations of reactions had run through his head after he made up his mind last night and he feels so silly that he didn’t consider any scenario where someone else took away his chance to confess.

As if he didn’t have more than a year to say those words. Joshua shakes his head again, and he finally glances at Seokmin. There are still remnants of tears in his eyes and Seokmin hates that he’s the reason why.

“Can you...start from the beginning?” Joshua asks him. “I think I deserve to know the truth.”

“You do,” Seokmin blurts out and from there, it all comes rushing out. All the words he had been biting back for so long spilled from his blubbering mouth in one barely eloquent stammer.

“I mean, how does this kind of thing even start, right? You meet some guy at a bowling alley ‘cause your friends wanted to fight each other. And you think, “Oh wow, he’s really cute,” because of course you do. You don’t let yourself think too much of it but before you know it, his friends become yours and yours become his. You see him a lot at school and it’s not just because you desperately search for gaps in your schedule so you can pretend to bump into him.

You start…you start doing things like- um, you always wanted to learn the guitar and he happens to be really talented at playing. I mean, of course he is- he’s amazing at everything. It’s- it’s definitely not an excuse to spend more time with him. He’s patient and kind while you’re paranoid that he’ll find out you exaggerated how much help you needed with that C Major chord. 

And you want to get his attention so badly. But nothing seems to work and you- it just doesn’t seem like he’ll ever see you as more than a friend. You hang onto that little thread of hope that one day, he’ll wake up and like you back. You’re just so hopeful that he’ll be just as smitten as you are if you make your feelings known,” Seokmin mumbles, looking away from Joshua’s face. He doesn’t know how much of this he can get through if he’s looking directly at him.

“So, you- you rehearse your confession in front of the mirror like, I don’t know- fifty-six times in an hour? Everyone says you’re reasonably attractive but deep down, you know you just aren’t cute enough to get immediately noticed by someone like him. Still, you try to look really nice when you confess, ‘cause every little thing could make a difference in his answer. You ask his best friends how he’d like to be confessed to, because you don’t want to make him uncomfortable with how much you- I- you don’t want to _be_ too much,” Seokmin pauses to take a breath, still afraid to see the look on Joshua’s face.

“The day we were planning to go to the dog café- that was the day I was gonna confess to you. Flowers and all, because Cheol said you like that cheesy stuff. And I was really nervous but also excited that maybe we’d finally go out on a date and you could see me differently. And then- and then you told me you just started dating Jun which obviously meant, well…you know. And those roses, do you remember them, hyung? I- I lied about them being from Soonyoung to Jihoon. Because…yeah.

Wonwoo took me and Hansol on a cruise trip to cheer us up about getting rejected. I promise nothing happened between him and I, like ever. We got back and Hansol was over Minghao but I wasn’t over you. I guess over time, I slowly got used to seeing you with Jun and forced myself to accept that we weren’t ever going to be more than friends.

But- but then you broke up with him. And I hated myself for thinking “Does this mean I still have a chance with Shua-hyung?” I really didn’t want to fall back into hoping for a chance so I- I distanced myself from you. But I- I hated being the reason you were sad. I never want to be the reason you’re sad.

You asked me why I was distant and I fucked up and said I liked Mingyu. I’ve never liked Mingyu that way and I am so, so sorry I lied to you about it. He asked me to help him make Wonwoo jealous and then, when you offered to help me make Mingyu jealous, I took advantage of your kindness because- because I couldn’t resist the idea of getting to hold you in my arms and kiss you. Even if it was all pretend on your end.

I’m so, so fucking sorry. I won’t make any excuses for myself. This is just- just me telling you the entire story of the truth. I- I’ve wanted to say this all for so long and I know there’s a huge chance you’re very angry with me. I don’t blame you at all, you should be upset with you. What I said earlier, about never wanting to be the reason you’re sad- I still mean it and I hate that I did this to you. It was all my fault,” Seokmin gulps and- this was it.

This was the moment. There were no roses shaking in his hands, no ferris wheels transporting them a hundred feet up the ground. Just Seokmin, Joshua, and the swimming pool beneath their feet. 

“And the last thing is- well, you already know it.…I’m in love with you, Joshua-hyung. You’re the kindest, smartest, most caring person I’ve ever met. That day at the abandoned mall, you told me that you didn’t feel like you were a priority in your past relationship or to some of our friends. But I- I want you to know that you’ve always been my first choice. My only choice.

I promise that if- only if you want me to, I’ll show you just how much I mean that. I promise I’ll always tell the truth and that there won’t be any secrets between us. Fuck, I just- you’re really special and it kills me that you were ever anyone’s second choice. I just don’t see how- yeah, you know. Yeah. I- I love you.”

Silence falls over them and Seokmin feels cathartic. But only for a brief moment. He finally looks at Joshua’s face again and he’d be lying if he said he could read his hyung’s expression.

“Hyung? Please- please say something,” Seokmin tries weakly. In the distance, their friends begin to sing the birthday song. 

“Joshua?” Seokmin tries again. The trace of desperation he catches in his own voice makes him want to curl up in a ball and sink into the ground. “I-I really am sorry…“

“I...” Joshua starts, only one syllable spilling from his lips as he opens and closes his mouth like a goldfish. He stares down at the water again, away from Seokmin’s own blubbering face and then-

He’s crying again. Seokmin made him cry again.

“I’m so sorry!” Seokmin blurts out again, instinctively stretching out his arms to hug him. But Joshua shoves him off, pushing him weakly as he turns to his other side with hunched shoulders. His silence turns into loud sobs as he buries his face in his hands and his shoulders shake heavily.

“Shua-hyung, I-”

“You know I love you too, right?” Joshua blurts out and _what._

_What? Is this really happening?_ “So it’s not that I don’t love you back. I do, I love you so damn much.”

“But?” Seokmin squeaks out, even though all that’s going through his head is Joshua’s _I love you so damn much._

“But- but I just…Minnie, do you know how guilty I felt? I fell in love with you while I thought you loved someone else and I felt so fucking awful about it. I felt horrible that I kissed you and that I enjoyed it.”

“But I enjoyed it too-”

“I know that. Now,” Joshua mutters, kicking at the water. “I’m just...I’m overwhelmed right now. This is so much to take in and I just...I don’t know.”

“Don’t know about…?” Seokmin gestures for him to continue. He has a sinking feeling he knows what Joshua’s about to say.

“I don’t know about this,” Joshua repeats softly. “About us. About _you.”_

There it was. “I- I see..” Seokmin rubs the back of his neck. “And I get-”

“And I think I- I need some space from you,” Joshua stutters, swinging his legs out of the pool. Slowly, he rises from his spot, picking at the hem of his shorts that didn’t manage to stay dry. “I need time to think about all this. It’s a lot.”

“I understand,” Seokmin swallows, barely able to keep down the sob that threatens to rise from his throat. “I’ll um, I’ll stay somewhere else for the night.”

“Actually, I think you should just take your stuff back from my place,” Joshua bites his lip. “All of it.”

“O-oh,” Seokmin’s voice cracks, his vision blurring and he’s finally unable to keep his own tears at bay. “I-I’ll come pick it up tomorrow morning. If that works for you.”

Joshua doesn’t reply. “Or you can leave my stuff at your door,” Seokmin suggests with a choked sniffle. “So you don’t have to see me.”

“Yeah,” Joshua nods slowly, the one-syllable word slicing through Seokmin’s heart. “I would prefer that.”

“Okay…” Seokmin mumbles. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats one more time, as if it would change anything.

“I know,” is all Joshua says, before turning on his heel and retreating back into the house.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_“You know hyung, maybe you should just date me.” Seokmin mumbles. He’s looking down at the gravel, kicking the pebbles with a quiet pout._

_And he looks and sounds so serious, but Joshua knows he’s kidding. Seokmin just likes to joke around with everyone and it’s one of the things Joshua loves about his friend._

  
  
  
  


_“Are you doing anything later?” Seokmin suddenly blurts out, touching at his hair with an uncertain expression. “I was thinking maybe we could, ah. Do something together. Maybe?”_

_“So you wouldn’t rather go fight for Mingyu at the roller rink?” Joshua teases. He’s only half-joking._

_Seokmin shakes his head wildly. “Nah, I uh- even on the off-chance that Mingyu doesn’t like Wonwoo-hyung, I’d rather not win him over this way, you know?”_

_“Right, right. So you’d rather spend time with me, then?” the older of the two laughs nervously. Why is he even nervous about this?_

_Seokmin looks down at the tiled floor, shuffling his feet shyly. “You could say that.”_

  
  
  
  


_“I wish I was someone’s first choice.”_

_A sad but understanding smile graces Seokmin’s face. “I get it. I-I want that for you too, hyung. You deserve someone who will make you their first priority.”_

(Someone like me _\- the words hang in the air, unspoken.)_

  
  
  
  


_“Aww, who’s this?” Seokmin picks up the stuffed Cinnamoroll._

_Joshua laughs. “I got that a while ago. From one of those crane machines at the mall’s arcade.”_

_“It’s so cute, just like hyung! Shuamoroll!” Seokmin’s smile reaches his eyes, before falling almost comically, like he said something wrong again._

_And Joshua shouldn’t have stiffened at his words just now either. He knows that._

_“I- um,” Seokmin looks at him panickedly, biting his lower lip. “That came out wrong, I wasn’t trying to be flirty or anything.”_

  
  
  
  


_“It’s not an actual date, right?” Seokmin asks him and the pain in Joshua’s chest spreads._

_“Of course not,” he tries to smile back. “We just need to take enough photos for Mingyu to think that it is a date.”_

_“Right, of course,” Seokmin nods far too quickly for Joshua’s liking, looking back down at his breakfast. “Don’t worry, hyung. I won’t make things weird,” he laughs nervously, as if he doesn’t want Joshua to get the wrong idea. “I know I’m probably one of the last people you’d ever consider going out with, right?”_

Wrong.

_“Definitely. I would never be interested in you.” Joshua lies and he swears he sees Seokmin’s smile tremble and the almost hopeful expression on his face crumble. There goes Joshua’s mind again, making him notice things that aren’t even there!_

_“No offense,” he tacks on without thinking. “You’re a very sweet dongsaeng and I love the time we spend together-”_ Stop it, you’re being too obvious. _“-But I just- just_ no. _It’s not gonna happen,” he stammers, the last sentence directed more at himself than to Seokmin. “We’re just friends and I don’t-”_

_“I get it, I know,” Seokmin interrupts him, his face red and shit, did Joshua just give himself away? “Don’t worry, hyung. I’m not- It’s cool. I understand.”_

  
  
  
  


_“You’re welcome! And I mean- you kind of remind me of a peach, hyung,” Seokmin hums, poking at the leaf._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You know, um...You look all soft and sweet on the outside and on the inside you’re still soft and sweet. Like how when you bite into a peach it’s just as delicious on the inside as it looks on the outside.”_

  
  
  
  


_“Is- is Mingyu looking?” Joshua mumbles between kisses, not wanting his drunken state to stumble and reveal his true feelings._

_“Probably,” Seokmin doesn’t even look up to check and Joshua knows that fact alone will drive him crazy for a while. Seokmin’s tongue slips inside his mouth and Joshua doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Mingyu won’t even be able to see that. “Maybe he just can’t believe that I’d be able to, uh be kissing someone so- so-”_

_“So what?” Joshua’s afraid to hear the end of that sentence._

_“Effortlessly gorgeous,” Seokmin mumbles, then ducks his head bashfully._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


With a soft click, Seokmin unlocks the door. He’s surprised he hasn’t forgotten how to. The lights are off already so he makes sure to be especially quiet as he sets down his belongings and walks back to his room.

He turns on the lightswitch and there’s a cocoon on his bed. It shifts and turns and a pair of headphones lie at the foot of the bedframe.

“Hyung?” Hansol yawns at the blinding flash of light. “Mm...you’re here.”

“Hey,” Seokmin makes his way over and musters up a sad smile. “I’m back.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah,” Seokmin exhales. “You know- you know why.”

“I guess I do.” Hansol murmurs, voice groggy.

No one had batted an eye when both Seokmin and Joshua both made excuses to leave the party early. The bus ride home was numb, and Seokmin doesn’t know how he managed to hold it together. There wasn’t anyone else on the bus to see him if he cried out loud, anyway. 

He can’t even dwell on the fact that _Joshua reciprocates his feelings_ for too long, because all he can think about is the betrayed expression on Joshua’s face when he discovered the truth.

“Where’s Seungkwan?” Seokmin pries, and Hansol’s face drops.

“He went home.”

“What do you mean?”

“He- he left.”

“...Oh,” Seokmin breathes out. “Are you okay? Did you guys…”

“I don’t know,” Hansol admits, his voice cracking. “W-we started yelling at each other again and then he left. I managed to fall asleep until you came back.”

“Oh.” He just had to ruin everything he came in contact with, didn’t he? Seokmin doesn’t question why Hansol is in his bed to begin with. Instead, he trudges to his roommate’s own room and sinks into the blankets without another word.

The dull ache in his heart never wavers throughout the night as Seokmin cries himself to sleep.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Everything hurts.

Joshua hugs his knees to his chest and the sobs return. He buries his face in his lap and a new rush of guilt, anger, betrayal, and devastation floods his mind. A part of him wonders if he was too harsh on Seokmin but- he had lied to Joshua. The whole situation was messy and involved half their friend group too but he still lied and Joshua thinks he’s allowed to be hurt.

Or maybe he really is being unfair- all in all, why should he be complaining that the man he loves not only returns his feelings but he always had. Seokmin has loved him from the start and Joshua doesn’t know how to handle it.

_You’ve always been my first choice. My only choice._

He blows his nose and tosses the tissue weakly next to the growing pile of snowballs on the floor. He reaches under his bed, his hand searching for the empty cardboard box Jeonghan had left behind when he had moved out. Joshua doesn’t want to pack Seokmin’s belongings up just yet, still submerged too deeply in a flurry of emotions.

Joshua lets himself cry through the night. At one point, his gaze lands on the peach and the tangerine plushies, still happily holding hands. 

His sobs grow heavier and without thinking, he detaches their hands. Joshua reaches for the tangerine plushie and drops it into the cardboard box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but i promise they will be okay
> 
> ps. the wonu and seok cruise scene hansol got a photo of is from chapter 15

**Author's Note:**

> first post on ao3  
> will likely edit this oop
> 
> i don't have twt ://
> 
> comments always appreciated!!!<333
> 
> EDIT 1/11: previous chapters have been proofread and grammar has been fixed


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